Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

Is Windows a Virus?


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

6. Viruses do unknown tasks in the background...so does windows.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus.

[drpeterbright]

Oh wonderful and wise Oracle tell me how would one implement a version > of Windows TP ...... windows for telepaths ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

You open the box labeled "Windows TP", carefully extracting the pouch labeled "License Agreement". You examine the contents of the pouch, finding an inflatable beanie bearing the Windows logo rather than the familiar 3.5" diskette package. You inflate the beanie, insert two "C"-size batteries (not included), and carefully place it on your head.

You press the Start button.

Immediately, the image of an hourglass comes to your mind. You find yourself trapped unable to move anything in your body save your eyes.

After an indeterminable delay, you regain control of your senses. You are suddenly compelled to speak your name and business affiliation. You then retrieve your Windows TP package and chant the Product-ID number.

Suddenly you see the words "Windows is detecting new hardware" flash before your eyes.

You crash to the floor, writhing in agony. You feel every muscle in your body contract and retract in turn. Your mind is filled with the image of a blue inchworm, creeping slowly across a grey field. The creature finally reaches the edge of its domain, and your seizure ceases. You take a moment to regain your composure, and you are reminded of your high school anatomy course as a complete listing of every organ in your body appears before your eyes. You browse the list for a moment, and utter the phrase "OK". After a short delay, you hear the sound of a trumpet echo through the recesses of your mind.

You find yourself in a large, barren space. You look around, and discover images labeled "My Brain", "Recycle Bin, and "Set up the Microsoft Network". You feel compelled to utter the word "Start", after which a list of options floods your mind. Weary from the detection phase, you utter the word "Shut down". You close your eyes, and blackness surrounds you. You feel yourself start to drift into sleep. Your peace is interrupted, however, as a bright orange light invades your nothingness. "It's now safe to shut down your mind".

You drift into unconsciousness, and sleep for several hours.

When you awaken, you are frozen in place as you see clouds and blue cycling colors. After a short eternity, the familiar "My Brain" icon reappears in your mind. But something is terribly wrong you can feel it in your gut. Just outside the range of primary vision, you can sense something lurking about you on all four sides. You slowly look up, and see the word "Safe Mode" glaring back at you. You back away slowly, swivel your head, and there it is, behind you as well. Your heartbeat quickened and you are terrified as you turn to your left and your right and it meets you there as well, its cold, heartless glare filling your soul with despair. Quickly, you summon Control Panel, System, Device Manager. You feel yourself frantically gasping for air as you run through the list of installed devices. You come upon "Respiratory System" and are horrified to see a black exclamation point on a yellow field next to the entry "Lungs". You close your eyes and utter the word "Properties". On the closed curtains of your eyelids, you see your life flashing before your eyes.

You force yourself to concentrate on your situation, attempting to discover which system devices are in conflict, when suddenly your entire body seizes up in pain.

You lose all sense of reality. You are floating through the clouds as you hear a voice echo through your mind: "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated." You start to black out and suddenly you remember your situation. You stare in horror at your blue extremities, knowing that, without oxygen, you will not last much longer. With all the consciousness you can muster, you force yourself...

To reboot.

You awaken in a place that is dark, but familiar. A solitary white prompt on a black field greets you. You look behind you and see the wreckage of the operating system that nearly spelled your demise. "Cannot find a file that may be needed to run Windows". You turn around to face the prompt, and a wide grin comes across your face. You take a deep breath and revel in the life-giving atmosphere. You laugh as you utter the words,

"DELTREE WINDOWS".

Suddenly you find yourself on the floor of your home. You find the charred remains of the Windows TP beanie littering the floor. You carefully gather them up, stack them neatly on an altar, and burn them, promising yourself never to risk your life with Microsoft again. You bury the ashes, knowing that your life is again in order.

You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows TP and Bill Gates' home address.

[drpeterbright]

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

[Kay]

[Wiggo's-sister]

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that
its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is
allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter
told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him
that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was
becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work
with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were
shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her
purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest,
baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then
spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch
more venom than usual.

"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always
be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in
second."

"Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

"Because you're an idiot!"

[Kheldar]

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch
more venom than usual.

"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always
be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in
second."

"Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

"Because you're an idiot!"

the wife must come inf first since she married an idiot

[Kheldar]

why are you explaing your ass over the internet - I think you need to keep an eye on your missus wiggo

[Wiggo's-sister]

Maybe Kay's trying to give us an indication as to what sort of mood she's in, like an ******* of a mood.........j/k :D

[drpeterbright]

[drpeterbright]

Blondes wish...


A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp.

They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a geenie.

The geenie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"

So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.

The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The geenie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here"

[drpeterbright]

Turned to stone


Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.

The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?"

Johnnie replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

[drpeterbright]

Changing lite bulbs


Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Exactly Five Hundred:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

17 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[drpeterbright]

There was a guy walking down the street and he bumped into an old buddy, Steve. Mark (the first guy) and Steve get talking and Mark asks Steve what he's been up to.

"I'm going to university," says Steve.

"Oh, really. What are you taking?" asks Mark.

"Philosophy," he says.

"What kind of philosophy?"

"Logic, actually," says Steve.

"What's logic?" asks Mark.

"Well, it's kind of like this -- have you got a fishbowl, Mark?"

"Yeah, I do as a matter of fact."

"Well, if you've got a fish bowl, you probably like fish, don't you."

"Yeah, I do."

"And if you like fish, chances are you probably like animals, right?"

"Yeah, I love animals."

"Well, if you love animals, I'd say there was a probability that you

like people as well."

"Yeah, I do. I like people."

"And if you like people, I'll bet you like women."

"That's for sure!"

"And, Mark, if you like women I'd be willing to bet that you like sex."

"Geez, Steve, I love sex."

"Well that's the way it works, Mark -- that's logic."

"Wow, that's great," says Mark.

At the end of their conversation, Steve had to run and Mark continued on his way down Richmond Street, only to bump into another friend, Paul.


They get talking and Mark tells Paul he ran into Steve only minutes earlier.

"Oh, really. What's he up to these days?" asks Paul.

"He's at university," says Mark.

"What's he taking?" asks Paul.

"Logic," says Mark.

"What's logic?" asks Paul.

"Well, let me see -- it's sort of like this, Paul: Have you got a fish bowl?"

"No, I haven't, Mark."

"What are you, some kind of fag?" says Mark indignantly.

[drpeterbright]

Did you hear about the blonde who was so confused that she sat on the TV and watched the couch.


Does she know BEEFY?