Jokes.

[dirtydog]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his ***** and wipes the tip.

The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his ***** and wipes the tip.

The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his ***** out and wipes the tip.

The woman has finally had enough.

She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your ***** from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?'

The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'

The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?'

The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper.'

[dirtydog]

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.

The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.

The father who was an irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"

The father reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I dont want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."



:laugh:

[dirtydog]

A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, 'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair.'

Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed. 'I warned you to watch out. Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.'

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke the window?'

'Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'0H!, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

'Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem, it's the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said.

'And what's your wish, genie?' they asked in unison.

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said,
'Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
'Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind.'

The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, 'How old is your husband?'

'He's 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No ****! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?'


:bounce2:

[dirtydog]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'

[Wiggo's-sister]

LOL!!! that last one is the best one I've read for awhile

[dirtydog]

LOL!!! that last one is the best one I've read for awhile

Thanx. :D

[ne0z]

good joke dirtydog

[ne0z]

sounds like someone is going to www.jokes.com

[Wiggo]

<center>A Valentines Question.</center>

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
================================================== ======

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to
pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at
predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15, one to change the light bulb,
and three committees to approve the change and decide
who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician,
one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much
better the old one was.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace bulb while five
men review church lighting policy.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four
wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either
in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that
light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are
invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance
about your light bulb for the next Sunday service.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is
bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

[Wiggo's-sister]

You've Been Out Drinking Again
==============================

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So
the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He
figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he
stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the
door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached
his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but
he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing
over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it
out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there
again."

[dirtydog]

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four
wives to tell him how to do it.


My favorite ! :devil win :flames: :devil:

[Kay]

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:


10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

and the top answer........1.Size does matter

[Beefy]

Top 5 that computers must be female:

1. No one but God understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Kay]

must be male then, or couldn't you find 5 extra comparisons