Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the
Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left.
He puts it on the scale. "Three pounds," he says.

"That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?", she
asks.

He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken
back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb. "Three and
a half pounds," he says.

"That looks better, I'll take them both."

[Wiggo's-sister]

There were three women that were training to be nuns. They had been
training for four years now.

"Well done!", said their teacher one day "You have gone
for four years without sinning. So before you become nuns we're going to
be a little generous and let you sin once for today. Then you can come
back, confess it to The Lord and you will become a nun!" So all three
of them set off. 10 minutes later the first nun came back and said:

"God forgive me for stealing money from the offering!".

The Teacher told her to drink some holy water and her sin will be forgiven.
Next the second nun returned and yelled "Lord forgive me for tagging on
the church!". She was told to drink the holy water too. Then her sin was
forgiven. Next the thrd nun comes back and shouts "Father, Forgive me for
throwing an old lady in the mud and laughing at her." the teacher told
her to drink the holy water as well, but she fell to her knees and yelled

"Forgive me! I peed in the Holy Water!"

[dirtydog]

Something new. Yellow holy water ! Yuck ! :fish:

[dirtydog]

Interested ? I don't know my ***** might glow in the dark !

:sun: :sun: :sun: :sun: :sun: :sun: :sun:

[dirtydog]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the
recently married couple's house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.

She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home
from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him
happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you
would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and
left. On the way home she thought about the love dress.
When she got home she got undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.

[dirtydog]

First, God made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself,
"There's something he's needing" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. She was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.Then God added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.


:D ;) :thumb:

[Wiggo]

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE: PFE) is making the announcement
today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE: PBG) as a power beverage suitable
for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount
And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests, "It
will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one."

[Wiggo's-sister]

If you want a gift that keeps on giving, try a pair of rabbits.

Though the rabbit has an innocent face, Its family planning is a disgrace:
In public it is always chewing, In private something else it's doing.

Two little rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves "They're gaining on
us," cried the female rabbit petrified. "What shall we do?"

"Let's you and me stop a moment," advised the male rabbit, "and out number them."

[Wiggo's-sister]

The older priest, speaking to the younger priest said,
"I know you were reaching out to the young people when
you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four
rows of pews. It worked. We got the front of the
church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued,
"And, you told me a little more beat to the music
would bring young people back to church, so I
supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll
gospel choir, that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone
too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protests the young priest. "My
confessions have nearly doubled since I started that!"


"I know, my son, but that flashing "TOOT 'n TELL or GO
TO HELL" neon sign really has to go.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his ***** into the
equipment, turned the switch on and ...everything else was
automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much
pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his *****.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried
every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service
Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was
programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of
milk."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man and a woman got in an elevator at the same time one day. The man
asked the woman which floor she wanted.

"Second floor", she said, "They're paying 25 dollars a pint at the
blood bank".

The man replied, "I'm going to the fourth. They pay 200 dollars an
ounce at the sperm bank".

A week later the man and woman both got on the same elevator again.
The man, recognizing the woman asked, "Second floor?".

With her mouth closed and her cheeks puffed out, she just shook her
head and held up four fingers.

[Kay]

Two cannibals, Handible and Elbob meet one day. Handible said, "You know, I just can't seem to
get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, stewed them, I've barbecued them,
I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."

Elbob asked, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" "Oh, you know, the ones that hang out at that
place at the bend in the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and
they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Aha!" the Elbob exclaimed, "No wonder! Those are fryers!"

[Kay]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

[Kay]

*File Description: Girlspeak To English Dictionary*

She says English
--------- -------
You want ... You want
We need ... I want
It's your decision ... The correct decision should be obvious by now ...
Do what you want ... You'll pay for this later
We need to talk... I need to complain
Sure...go ahead ... I don't want you to.
I'm not upset ... Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly ... You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive
tonight.... Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! ... And I'm not I'm on my period.

overreacting!

Be romantic, turn out the lights. ... I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. ... I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture,
wallpaper...
Hang the picture there ... No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise ... I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? ... I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? ... I did something today you're really not going to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. ... Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? ... Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. ... Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? ... [Too late, your dead.]
Yes ... No
No ... No
Maybe ... No
I'm sorry. ... You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? ... It's easy to fix, so you'd better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! ... Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The same old thing.... Nothing.
Nothing. ... Everything.
Everything.... My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really.... It's just that you're such an *******.
I don't want to talk about it.... Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

[Wiggo's-sister]

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday
and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is,it's still out there in your pockets."

----

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

----

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

----

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead
of him in front of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said
the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until
the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."