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  • Subject: Confucious Say...

    Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
    Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
    Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
    Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
    Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
    Man with holes in pocket, feels ****y all day.
    Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
    Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
    Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
    He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
    Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
    Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
    Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
    Man with ***** in peanut butter is ****ing nuts.
    Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
    Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have ****ty time.
    Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
    Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

    Comment


    • Confucious say...

      Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

      Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

      Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.

      Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

      A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

      Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

      Man who run behind car get exhausted.

      Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

      Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless *******.

      Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

      He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

      Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

      Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

      He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

      Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

      Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

      He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

      Elevator smell different to midget.

      Comment


      • A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf, and about to
        tee off on the third hole lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit
        her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly
        at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball
        smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

        They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to
        see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found
        no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon
        further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch
        with a turban on his head.

        The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

        "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the
        vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so
        grateful!" he answered.

        The wife asked "Are you a genie?"

        "Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful i will grant you two
        wishes, and the third i will keep for myself." the man replied.

        The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch
        handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The
        other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

        The genie nodded his head and said "Done!"

        The genie now said, "For my wish, i would like to have my way with
        your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after
        all, i made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

        The husband and wife agreed.

        After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife
        "How long have you been married?"

        To which she responded "Three years."

        The genie then asked "How old is your husband?"

        To which she replied "31 years old"

        The genie then asked "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

        Comment


        • A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while
          listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
          3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
          even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Jay's
          wife goes out and moves her car.A week later while they are eating
          breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5
          inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of
          the
          street, so the snowplow can get through."Jay's wife goes out and moves her
          car again.The next week they are having breakfast again,
          when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
          today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Jay's wife
          says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."Jay says, "Why don't you just leave
          it in the garage this time?

          Comment


          • Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
            buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large
            pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
            since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs,
            she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began
            to pig out.

            She ate and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!
            Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her
            face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
            then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten
            far too much and could not get off the ground.

            Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
            she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning
            upright against the barn wall. She'd found a
            solution!! She realized if she could just climb up
            that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be
            able to fly again.

            So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the
            handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her
            tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She
            dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

            Dead Fly.

            What is the moral of this sad story?

            "Never fly off the handle when you know you're
            full of sh*t."

            Comment


            • Todd was arrested AGAIN and the detective was leafing through his crime history folder.

              "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run,
              disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault,
              forgery, sexual assault, manslaughter..."

              "Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."

              Comment


              • Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a
                strong preaching on the devil.

                One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan
                stuff?"

                The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
                It's probably just your dad."

                Comment


                • I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
                  It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

                  Comment


                  • I don't want to worry you," Johnny said to his teacher, "but last night my dad said that if I didn't start getting better grades on my next report card, someone's ass was going to get kicked."

                    Comment


                    • A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog he
                      doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the local Baptist
                      pastor and asked, "Pastor, my dog is dead. Could you do a funeral
                      for the creature?"

                      Pastor Jones replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the
                      church, but there's a new denomination down the road - no telling what
                      they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

                      Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
                      for the service?"

                      Pastor Patrick asked, "Why didn't you TELL me the dog was Baptist?"

                      Comment


                      • Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of
                        Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and
                        in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have
                        interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was
                        escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.

                        One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before
                        him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter
                        innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.

                        Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's
                        curiosity was aroused.

                        "You," he called. "You, there!"

                        The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"

                        "Why are you here?"

                        "Armed robbery, your majesty."

                        "And are you guilty?"

                        "Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."

                        At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said,
                        "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him
                        here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid
                        innocent people who occupy it."

                        Comment


                        • The Outhouse Poem
                          =================

                          The service station trade was slow
                          The owner sat around,
                          With sharpened knife and cedar stick
                          Piled shavings on the ground.
                          No modern facilities had they,
                          The log across the rill
                          Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
                          That sat against the hill.
                          "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
                          The owner leaning back,
                          Said not a word but whittled on,
                          And nodded toward the shack.
                          With quickened step she entered there
                          But only stayed a minute,
                          Until she screamed, just like a snake
                          Or spider might be in it.
                          With startled look and beet red face

                          She bounded through the door,
                          And headed quickly for the car
                          Just like three gals before.
                          She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
                          The owner gave a shout,
                          As her silk stockings, down at her knees
                          Caught on a sassafras sprout.
                          She tripped and fell - got up, and then
                          In obvious disgust,
                          Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
                          And faded in the dust.
                          Of course we all desired to know
                          What made the gals all do
                          The things they did, and then we found
                          The whittling owner knew.

                          A speaking system he'd devised
                          To make the thing complete,
                          He tied a speaker on the wall
                          Beneath the toilet seat.
                          He'd wait until the gals got set
                          And then the devilish tike,
                          Would stop his whittling long enough,
                          To speak into the mike.
                          And as she sat, a voice below
                          Struck terror, fright and fear,
                          "Will you please use the other hole,
                          We're painting under here!"

                          Comment


                          • Now that was real
                            material

                            Comment


                            • A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

                              The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

                              Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

                              "Hey!" said the neighbor. "He *can* talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

                              "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

                              Comment


                              • Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes ...

                                The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

                                I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

                                Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

                                There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson, who was in the back seat, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing -- why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

                                A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

                                Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

                                Love,
                                Grandma
                                The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

                                Comment

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