Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

Single Woman's Prayer


Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

[drpeterbright]

And there's this:

[drpeterbright]

And this:

[drpeterbright]

Viagra Maker Increasing Product Line

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a
whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in
today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the
following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask
directions when they got lost, compared to a control
group of 0.2 percent.


PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before
starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming
urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially
cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives
had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see
if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after
taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen:
whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than
your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want
to turn off televised sports and actually converse
with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage
can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for
men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose
turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in
Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.


The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to
make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as
available in men's rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing
the following drugs intended primarily for women:


NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse

HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance
instead of just writing things down

InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they
have made that involve said spouse

Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives
of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with
aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming
large quantities of fermented beverages while watching
contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more??

[drpeterbright]

Men's Rules For Women
49. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
45. Butthead is the smart one.
44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
39. Socks never constitute a gift.
38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
33. Curley is the bald one.
32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
26. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

[drpeterbright]

Women's Rules For Men
25. The Rosie O'Donnell Show is approximately one hour long. Depending on the time of day it comes on where you live, this would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, weed the garden, tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to constantly remind you to do.
24. A Barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine dinner out. (Citronella Candles do NOT set a romantic mood, either)
23. Dress to impress once in awhile. You never know, you may actually like all the other women ogling you from afar.
22. Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work.
21. Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy.
20. While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn't you give up wearing the "ripped to shreads" underwear, even if all the holes are worn just so?
19. We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification.
18. Don't complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won't pick on you about YOUR vast collection of "sneakers for every occasion".
17. Things you can help with scrubbing the bathroom, fixing things that don't need to be fixed, holding the instruction manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting a fire.
16. Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local sporting goods store.
15. While the lingerie with strategic openings appeals to you, most of the time we pray the store will exchange it for something more comfortable when you're not looking.
14. How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we've seen the pink underwear.
13. Sports Center comes on roughly every six hours. Plus they have continuous updates during every hour. If you miss something due to us talking to you, chances are you'll hear all about it in another 15 or so minutes, so relax.
12. We appreciate your input on most issues, but our Soap Operas aren't one of them. We already know she's the evil one, and he's screwing around. A recap complete with intervals of "I can't believe you're making me watch this" are unnecessary.
11. We know you watch Baywatch for the fine acting skills of the actors and actresses.
10. Even though you think Pamela Anderson is a babe, don't expect us to agree.
9. Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.
8. When lost, getting out and asking for directions is okay. Driving around aimlessly and swearing is not.
7. Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how sports are played and the rules. Help us understand these games better. Consider it your civic duty.
6. Beer burps are not considered a second language, even if you CAN burp the alphabet.
5. Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod, not crumpled on the floor.
4. Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to remind us how much you care.
3. Psst... We're only lending you the remote... If you have kids, you know who really owns that T.V.
2. We really are the sex crazed maniacs you fell in love with. Just reset your clock to our female standard time, and you'll see what I mean.
1. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many reasons we married you.

[drpeterbright]

Why Bicycles Are Better Than Women

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle"
unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss
politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize
before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get
sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont
get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you
dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better
parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without
having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a
decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you
had the last time you were on your bicycle.

[drpeterbright]

HOW GUYS THINK

By Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist
>>>>From The Boston Sunday Globe, August 20, 1989

Today we're going to explore the mysterious topic of How Guys Think, which has
baffled women in general, and the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine in
particular, for thousands of years.

The big question, of course, is: How come guys never call? After successful
dates, I mean. You single women out there know what I'm talking about. You go
out with a guy, and you have a great time, and he seems to have a great time,
and at the end of the evening he says, quote, "Can I call you?" And you -
interpreting this to mean "Can I call you?" - answer: "Sure!"

The instant you say think, the guy's body starts to dematerialize. Within a
few seconds you can stick a tire iron right through him and wave it around:
in a few more seconds, he has vanished entirely, gone into the mysterious Guy
Bermuda Triangle, where whole squadrons of your dates have disappeared over
the years, never to heard from again.

Eventually you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you, some kind
of emotional hang-up or personality defect that your dates are detecting. Or,
possibly, foot odor. You start having long, searching discussions with your
women friends in which you say such things as: "He really seemed to like me"
and "I didn't feel as though I was putting pressure on him" and "Would you
mind, strictly as a friend, smelling my feet?"

This is silly. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you should interpret
the behavior of your dates as a kind of guy *compliment* to you. Because when
the guy asks you if he can call you, what he's really asking you, in Guy Code,
is will you marry him. Yes. See, your basic guy is into a straight-ahead,
bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the
infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with
calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway. So here's
what the guy is thinking: If he calls you, you'll go out again, and you'll
probably have another great time - so you'll probably go out again and have
*another* great time, and so on until the only possible *option* will be to
get married. This is classic Guy Logic.

So when you say "Sure!" in a bright and cheery voice, you may think you're
simply indicating a willingness to go out again, but as far as he's concerned,
you're endorsing a lifetime commitment that he is quite frankly not ready to
make after only one date, so he naturally decides he can never see you again.
From that day forward, if he spots you on the street, he'll sprint in the
opposite direction to avoid the grave risk that the two of you might meet,
which would mean he'd have to ask you if you wanted to get a cup of coffee,
and you might say yes, and pretty soon you'd be enjoying each other's company
again, and suddenly a member of the clergy would appear at the table and
*you'd
have to get married - Aieeeeeee!*

(You woman think this is crazy, right? Whereas you guys out there are nodding
your heads.)

So, my advice for single women is that if you're on a date with a guy you
like, and he asks whether he can call you, you should give him a
non-threatening answer, such as: "No"

Or: "I guess so, but bear in mind that I'm a nun."

This will make him comfortable about seeing you again, each time gaining the
courage to approach you more closely, in the manner of a timid, easily
startled woodland creature such as a chipmunk. In a few years, if the two of
you really do have common interests and compatible personalities, you may
reach the point where he'll be willing to take The Big Step, namely, eating
granola directly from your hand.

No matter how close you become, however, remember this rule: Do not pressure
the guy to share his most sensitive innermost thought and feelings with you.
Guys hate this, and I'll tell you why: If you were to probe inside the guy
psyche, beneath that macho exterior and the endless droning about such things
as the 1978 World Series, you would find, deep down inside, a passionate,
heartfelt interest in: the 1978 World Series. Yes. The truth is, guys don't
*have* any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings. It's time you women
knew! All these years you've been agonizing about how to make the
relationship work, wondering how come he never talks to you, worrying about
all the anquished emotion he must have bottled up inside. And, meanwhile,
he's
fretting about how maybe he needs longer golf spikes. I'm sorry to have to
tell you this. Maybe you *should* become a nun.

Anyway, I hope I've cleared up any lingering questions anybody might have
regarding guys, as a gender. For some reason, I feel compelled to end this
with a personal note:

Heather Campbell, if you're out there, I just want to say that I had a really
nice time taking you to the Junior Prom in 1964, and I was a total jerk for
never, not once, mentioning this fact to you personally.

[drpeterbright]

The Armed Woman's Attitude Test
by Massad Ayoob printed in "Women & Guns", Dec '91 issue

The media, both entertainment and news, have grotesquely skewed the
public image of women who choose to responsibly own firearms for
self-defense. Unfortunately, constant exposure to public image can affect
self-image. That can be dangerous, whether the result is a woman who
becomes anorexic or a woman who allows herself to be talked out of
exercising her absolute right to effective personal protection.

This Armed Woman's Attitude Test is offered in the hopes of putting
some of the false images into a proper perspective. Please circle A, B, or
C in answer to each question.

What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it
that says, "The ultimate in feminine protection?"
A. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
B. Ultimate force equals ultimate personal protection.
C. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days.

For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
A. All you'll ever need.
B. Next to useless with nothing to back it up.
C. The signal to "Fire!"

The movie _Thelma_&_Louise_ was:
A. An insidious Hollywood plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
mindless violence by women.
B. A female buddy film that included allegories of empowerment.
C. A training film.

What was technically wrong with the scene in _Thelma_&_Louise_ where
the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
A. Real women would never do anything as tacky, tasteless, and
altogether gauche as pointing guns at a man, let alone taking his
icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
B. There is no Texas State Police per se, but rather a Department of
Public Safety that includes a Highway Patrol; they do not authorize
the .45 1911 auto for carry except by Texas Rangers; the ammo on the
officer's belt was revolver cartidges in single loops, not
appropriate auto pistol ammo in magazines.
C. The dumb broads left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
dashboards of the cruiser.

A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
A. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
B. Call the exterminator.
C. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

You are discussing the depressing local crime statistics with your
good-hearted neighbor, Ralph, who suggests that you buy a .25 caliber
pistol for home defense. You reply:
A. "Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the
evil ethos of mindless macho sexist brute force!"
B. "An amusing suggestion, Ralph, but don't you think it's a little
light for the purpose?"
C. "Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid
enough to give me wimpy advice like that!"

What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
A. "Yeech! It would be an obscene juxtaposition of the icon of death
with the symbol of nurturing!"
B. "Uncomfortable and impractical, designed by males for females."
C. "Not a bad idea, so long as it doesn't get in the way when you reach
for the MAC-10 submachinegun in your shoulder sling."

Define "male."
A. The first syllable of "malevolance," which in turn is only one letter
short of "male violence."
B. An individual of the opposite sex.
C. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but
rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace
and CapStun belong?
A. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
B. At the lower-threat levels of the Use of Force Continuum.
C. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores
your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised.
How many shots should you fire?
A. None. It would be better to die than sacrifice moral victory by
using "his" kind of force.
B. As many shots as are necessary to stop the attack.
C. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, when is the next time you'll get a
chance like this to express yourself, and get in touch with your
feelings?

Grading the Exam

If 8 or more (80 %) of your answers were "A," it is time to check into
a Reality Clinic. Perhaps the meek will inherit the earth, but only when
the rest of us are done with it.

If 8 or more of your answers were "B," welcome to the land of the
well-adjusted adults who manage their own responsibilities with an
appropriate level of power.

If 8 or more of your answers were "C," don't feel too bad. Society
may not have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start
casting for the lead role in _Bride_of_Rambo_.

[drpeterbright]

Why Beer Is Better Than Men

A beer always goes down easy.

A beer can't interrupt.

A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.

A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.

A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.

A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.

A beer doesn't snore.

A beer doesn't sulk.

A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.

A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.

A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.

A beer never needs a shave.

A beer tastes good.

A beer will only come when you want it to.

A beer won't switch the TV channel.

A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.

A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.

A beer's life does not revolve around the football.

Having a beer can't make you pregnant.

Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.

[drpeterbright]

Classified Ad Blunders
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

[drpeterbright]

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol


REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft
Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights
to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in
most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names
that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark
Office.

"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's
Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a
board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we
should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a
country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun
Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island
Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no
countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of
'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance
it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone
joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd
just trademark the trademark symbol."

Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look
at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and
Trademark Office in the morning."

Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark.
According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of
Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be
restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic
Church."

But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out
in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new
symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.

"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states
Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use
in the future."

Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil
Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer
developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten
years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of
the lawsuit.

Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the
N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee
Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William
Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe,
"[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will
benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough.
As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to
play catch-up."

So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest
acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice
Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases.
"Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We
already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the
new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new
trademark symbol.

"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky
is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the
rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several
representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that
doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry --
and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our
software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."

But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant.
"Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and
Trademark Office," stated Schexnader.

No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for
comment Tuesday.

[drpeterbright]

Men's Rules For Women
49. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
48. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
47. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
46. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
45. Butthead is the smart one.
44. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
43. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
42. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
41. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
40. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
39. Socks never constitute a gift.
38. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
37. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
36. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
34. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
33. Curley is the bald one.
32. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
31. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
30. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
29. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
28. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
27. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
26. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
24. Check your oil.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
19. Share the closet.
18. Share the bathroom.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13. You have too many shoes.
12. You have enough clothes.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
9. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Don't make us guess.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

[drpeterbright]

Microsoft To Allow Changing Of Blue Screen Of Death
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes. The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points. "We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users. The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship. Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."

[E^vol]

THAT IS WAY TOO FUNNY !!!!!!!!!