Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:


Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

[drpeterbright]

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a back up.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but no one is home.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10. Size does matter.


Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1 No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

[drpeterbright]

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background
mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't
find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and
it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with
my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0
beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I
used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole
system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in
my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0
still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the
immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with
your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've
never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of girlfriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after
that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the
resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to
FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top
of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he
can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you
try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

[drpeterbright]

Computer Language Breakthrough

Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the ultimate
computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the foremost Japanese
fourth generation language expert, as "the only truly elegant computer
language ever devised," NULL, as it is known, was developed by the same
department that originally invented the wrong number, the busy signal, and
the phrase, "The number you have reached is not in service."

NULL is the culmination of five years of work by a team of language
designers and computer science mathematicians. The final breakthrough
occurred when operating system expert Hugh Nicks suggested that if removing
GOTOs was good then why not scrap IF statements as well, since they usually
required typing too many characters anyway. This brilliant concept was
extended through a series of complex mathematical theorems that form the
basis of the NULL language. Put in layman's terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee,
electrical engineer and PROM reader, "Like we first we tossed out the bath
water, then the baby, and like finally the whole tub." The elegance and
conciseness of NULL can thus be proven to be a direct consequence of the
fact that the language as defined contains no statements at all. While at
first glance this may seem a drawback, in fact, it is a major improvement
over any other language. A few of the numerous reasons are:

Point 1: Highly structured constructs.

Point 2: Advanced data hiding techniques.

Point 3: A NULL compiler can be written first in NULL without ever
needing to be written in a lower level language.

Point 4: Since there are no statements to compile, in fact, no compiler
need ever be written in the first place, saving time and money.

Point 5: Since there will be no compilers, no new releases will ever be
issued hence maintenance is reduced.

Point 6: NULL programs are highly portable and totally machine
independent.

Point 7: NULL programs compile and execute rapidly. An important point
to note is that with the addition of a small amount of language
dependent code, e.g. PROC/END etc., all NULL programs can be compiled by
any other language compiler.

Point 8: Since there will never be new releases of NULL, all programs
are upwardly and downwardly compatible.

Point 9: NULL can be parsed top-down, bottom-up, left-right, right-left,
inside-out, and over-easy.

Point 10: NULL programs are both self-documenting for clarity and
self-concealing for security.

Point 11: NULL programmers are easy to find and once found can be fired
since they are not needed.

Point 12: If desired, specialized NULL hardware could be designed,
implementing the code in firmware. Of course, such hardware may require
years of development. One suggestion from Bell's VLSI experts Nora and
Andy Gates was to take an existing available chip and remove all the
instructions except NOOP. While this should work in theory, they
acknowledged that it is probably not the most efficient implementation.

These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all current
computer languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For further reading
consult any of the numerous books and articles by Donald Knuth, David
Parnas, and of course, the basis of all modern computer language theory,
"The Emperor's New Clothes."

[drpeterbright]

Ten Ways To Tell If It's A Redneck's Computer


1. The monitor is up on blocks.

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

3. The six front keys have rotted out.

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

7. The password is "Bubba".

8. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

9. The keyboard's camoflaged.

10. The varmint (mouse) has buckshot holes.

[drpeterbright]

Have you ever received a phone call the minute you stepped outside your
door? Has the bus you were waiting for ever appeared from behind a parked
truck the instant you light up a cigarette? Certain astute individuals have
noticed that such events are not the exception but, rather, the rule. Men
like Murphy, Peter and Parkinson have made it their life work to ferret out
the operating principles - the laws that govern the frustrating lives that
we mortals live. Here is a small sampling of these laws.

Murphy's Law
If anything can go wrong, it will.

O'Tool's Commentary On Murphy's Law
Murphy was an optimist.

The Unspeakable Law
As soon as you mention something ....
... if it's good, it goes away
... if it's bad, it happens.

Nonreciprocal Laws Of Expectations
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield
negative results.

Howe's Law
Every man has a scheme that will not work.

Zymurgy's First Law Of Evolving Systems Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a
larger can.

Etorre's Observation
The other line moves faster.

Skinner's Constant (Flanagan's Finagling Factor)
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or
subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have
got.

Murphy's Law Of Selective Gravity
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary To Murphy's Law Of Selective Gravity
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Gordon's First Law
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing
well.

Maier's Law
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

Hoare's Law Of Large Problems
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Boren's First Law
When in doubt, mumble.

The Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Barth's Distinction
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types,
and those who don't.

Segal's Law
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is
never sure.

The Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules
The first 90 % of the task takes 90 % of the time, and the last 10 %
takes the other 90 %

Farber's Fourth Law
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

[drpeterbright]

Don't Worry, Be Crabby


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much
blood when you grab a thorn.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my
cat.

Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore
someone completely.

The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
somebody else.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses...
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip:
Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls,
you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are down.

How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial
question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service,
throw in that little sprig of parsley.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that
all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up
sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Men are like small children.
You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

I love playing cards with children.
They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't
wanna know 'em!

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...
Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who
messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If they lined up all the men in the world... it would be one goofy line.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit
their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything.
Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV.
So I put the cat there.

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece
of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

Somewhere, over the rainbow...
that's where the airline will find my luggage.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...
it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath
Step 2: count to 10
Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire

[drpeterbright]

[drpeterbright]

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
- Gene Hill

"In dog years I'm dead"
- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
- Penny Ward Moser

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
- Danish Proverb

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."
- Michael Friedman

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
- Unknown

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
- Unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail..."
- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"
- Unknown

[drpeterbright]

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "...ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Liar!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

[drpeterbright]

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

"He's not clever," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[drpeterbright]

Bachelor's Cooking


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from
politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean
dish."

[drpeterbright]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[drpeterbright]

Child Of Bill Gates



10. Dad hires another baby to teethe for you.

9. If daddy doesn't give you the toy you want, you can rat him out to Janet
Reno.

8. You look at baby on Pampers package and think, "I can buy and sell you."

7. You can spit up on Al Gore when he claims he invented you.

6. You're two days old and already you can beat dad at arm wrestling.

5. When you crash Microsoft technicians are right there to reboot you.

4. Instead of Raffi CD playing in nursery -- Raffi playing in nursery.

3. The "goofy hair" gene skips a generation.

2. Cry all you want in movie theater -- if people complain, dad buys the
dump and kicks everybody out.

1. Easy laughs by calling yourself "Bill Version 2.0."

[drpeterbright]

God And Microsoft



1. In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those
he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And
God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said -
Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks
and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to
put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big.
And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took
a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look
up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the
Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was
good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said
to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and
every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not
even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You
will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier
to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows
could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmers that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God
asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I
am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And
God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the
Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all
the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you
will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will
disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use
lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you
will never be happy. All your programs will have errors. And you will
have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.