Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

College Admission Essay
Admission Essay


This essay was written by Hugh Gallagher when he was applying for college.
Hugh now attends New York University.

3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know
you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I
repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in
one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when
I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[drpeterbright]

The first letter is one MIT sends out, The second is one they got back.

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now
you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would
be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider
carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator
that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my
attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we
offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and
cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the
country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is*
tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative
and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 -
than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so
everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for
you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this
unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight,"
just check the appropriate box on the form.


May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now
you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most
universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to
carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so
selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited
universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a
powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility
for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn
that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to
limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest
professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self
indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny
and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports -
47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as
Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises
for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your
chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John
Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

[drpeterbright]

A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him
has finished his meal, but the bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he
sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the back into the bowl. The
other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[drpeterbright]

A minister, a psychologist, and an engineer are lost in the woods. They
come upon the cabin of a mountain man and, since it is cold and close to
dusk, they ask to spend the night. The mountain man agrees and lets them
in.

They notice that there is one room, heated by a stove in the middle of the
room, suspended about 8 feet above floor level by a series of wires
connecting it to the ceiling. They each survey this stove.

"Ah," says the Psychologist. "This man obviously feeds his psyche by
sitting beneath the source of heat. It makes him feel safe."

"No," disagrees the minister, "He is obviously making a statement about the
nature of God, the source of all things good. He is looking up, as in
Heaven, and he is recognizing that the love of God, like the heat from this
stove, radiates all around his world."

"You're both wrong," says the engineer, "He Obviously created this heat
source with advanced rules of physics in mind. See how the heat radiates
throughout the entire room."

After some argument, they ask the mountain man why he built the stove thus.
"Hmmm," he says, "Seems as I recall, I had lots of wire and a very short
stove pipe."

[drpeterbright]

A Physicist, A Chemist, And A Mathematician Stranded On A Deserted Island



A physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician are stuck on a deserted island
with several cans of food, but no can opener. They each try to think of a
way to open the cans.

First, the physicist makes his suggestion. They would construct a small
catapult out of the obligatory palm tree in order to throw the cans against
some rocks. The cans would break open and they could eat the contents.

The chemist dislikes this suggestion and proffers his own: They should make
a fire and put the cans over the fire. The contents of the cans would
expand and the cans would break open.

Finally, they both look to the mathematician to see if he can think of a
better suggestion. He thinks for a moment, then starts, "Let us assume that
we have a can opener..."

[drpeterbright]

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was
very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and
respected.

Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the
roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

[E^vol]

Where do you get all these jokes ???
:laugh:

[drpeterbright]

A Smart Engineer



There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical
things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on
the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your
problem is!"

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded
briefly:

One chalk mark ............. $1

Knowing where to put it..... $49,999

[drpeterbright]

Aeronautical Engineer's List


1. For an aero, a good night's sleep is like a job: it's something we all
dream of getting, but few of us ever will.
2. When in doubt, just wing it.
3. Being a rocket scientist is a great way to launch a career.
4. Propulsion provides the main thrust of our efforts.
5. The only restriction on the length of the landing gear is that it should
hit the ground first.
6. Orbital mechanics is really just a lot of circular reasoning and
roundabout proofs.
7. Aeros are just plane crazy.
8. The departments of the AAE school:
--Advanced paper airplane design (structures)
--Archery (Arrow dynamics)
--Snowball trajectory analysis (dynamics & controls)
--Rubber band launching (propulsion)
9. The following courses will be added starting Jan 1992 to improve our
chances of finding a job:
--The aerodynamics of hamburger flipping
--Heat transfer in french fries
--Begging made easy
10. Boeing: the sound an aircraft part makes when it falls off a plane and
hits the ground
11. Frictional effects are a real drag.
12. "I have not yet completed grading your test on stress, strain, and
tension. So let's talk about failure" -- structures prof
13. For the most part, beam theory is shear terror, but it does have its
great moments.
14. The material toughness factor is KC.
15. We all love Gruesome Hall.
16. We love gn (gus's network) even more.
17. The space shuttle theory: if you put enough thrust behind it, anything
will fly.
18. The boosters for the space shuttle produce 3 million pounds of thrust
each and can barely lift their own paperwork into orbit.
19. Fatigue is a very tiring class.
20. We're really not all space cadets.
21. We love sharing a building with the I.E.s (Imaginary Engineers).
22. Sign posted:
"In case of emergency (I.E., fire, tornado, etc) ..."
23. Enjoy your hours of sleep each week. Both of them.
24. Many aeros tend to be flighty people.
25. We don't have our heads in the clouds -- most of us haven't been that
down to earth in a long time.
26. U.S. Navy philosophy on landing on an aircraft carrier:
Aim for the deck and hope for the best.
27. Addendum to pilots' preflight checklist on commercial airliners:
Please verify that the following items are securely attached before
takeoff:
A) Wings B) Engines C) Fuselage
28. The theory of modern U.S. fighter jets:
Nothing can kill the pilot except for the plane.
29. We can always drop out of aero and become paratroopers.
30. "Stability is only good if you aren't heading straight into the ground."
-- flight controls prof
31. Spacecraft controls majors often have attitude problems.
32. The orbital radius of the satellite should exceed the radius of the
earth.
33. A belly flop is the most efficient way to stop an airplane on a short
runway
34. Too bad Physics 152 has nothing to do with reality. It would be great to
make our planes out of massless rods covered by frictionless surfaces.
35. Mechanical engineer: someone who wanted to be an aero but also wanted
to be employed.
36. It is an aeronautical fact that the bumblebee can't fly -- its wings
simply cannot generate sufficient lift. Apparently God just forgot to
tell that to the bumblebee.
37. How to fly:
1) Jump into the air and miss the ground.
or
2) Hurl yourself at the ground and miss (actually, this is a correct
summary of the theory behind orbital flight).
38. We all loved Physics 342 -- relatively speaking.
39. No one has ever been killed because a plane lost power -- all deaths in
planes have resulted from unsuccessful landings.
40. Logic is the right way to get the wrong answer and feel good about it.
41. "We shall neglect this term in the equation simply because we have no
idea how to deal with it." -- aerodynamics prof
42. NASA prelaunch bulletin on Endeavour's recovery of INTELSAT: "This
encounter will give us an opportunity to study the dynamics of
handling heavy objects in weightlessness."
43. You never get grades for landings -- all landings are strictly
pass/fail. Any landing you can walk away from is a 'pass'.
44. Enginere: Yesterday I couldn't spell one; now me are one.
45. Aero engineers historically do everything backwards. We even count
backwards
46. Aero engineer job search techniques:
Stand out on a street corner holding a sign reading, "Will build
spacecraft for food."
47. We enjoy our 340 homework to no end -- literally.
48. Save a tree -- drop AAE 340.
49. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
50. Design must take into account three major factors:
1) The expected operating stresses and material fatigue
2) 'Murphy was an optimist' principle: unexpected events
3) Management stupidity
51. Regardless of what the numbers say, it's still amazing that planes fly.

[drpeterbright]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he
usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner,
Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein
in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and
jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful
rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question
about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in
the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely
stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will
let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[drpeterbright]

An Archeological Find



Ok, the story behind this... There's this wacked out guy who digs things out
of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute,
labelling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that
this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institution after he sent
them his latest find.

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer
seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this
specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that
we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the
presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather,
it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the
variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
"Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought
to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of
us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you
off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the
common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to
have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our
lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's
notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of
our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon
dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also
deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the
scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for
one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but
was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was
hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you
seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director
has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the
site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip
to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several
of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the
"trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that
makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,


Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

[drpeterbright]

An Engineer In Hell



An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah you're an engineer-- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.

Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
Hell, so he starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the
engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the phone and says with a sneer, "So, how it's
going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God demands, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers' "Yeah, right, and just where are you
going to get a lawyer?"

[E^vol]

hahahahahaha:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[drpeterbright]

Astronomy Loses "Major Science" Status, Says World Science Federation


[**** For immediate release]

GENEVA (AP) January 25, 1999 -- In a surprising announcement, the World
Science Federation said today that the field of astronomy will no longer be
recognized as a major science along with the likes of physics and chemistry.
Instead it is being reclassified as a "trans-earth auxiliary scientific
pursuit" according to a new taxonomy laid down by the WSF, the international
scientific community's governing body.

"This is a painful issue that we've been grappling with for some time," said
Dr. Jean-Sven Johansson, president of the WSF. "The study of the heavens
has been considered a science since prehistoric times. But if it were just
discovered today, with all we've learned in the intervening millennia,
there's no way we would categorize astronomy as a major science. It is too
soft, too based on speculative theories, and too far removed from the
everyday world."

"[The reclassification] is a difficult but ultimately correct decision,"
read a supporting statement from the United States Council of Scientists.
"While we are sympathetic for practitioners of astronomy, we believe that
the sanctity of science demands a more rigorous test for inclusion than
merely a few centuries of tradition."

The news is a bitter pill for astronomers to swallow. For years they have
endured derision from their colleagues in the so-called 'hard' sciences of
physics, chemistry, and mathematics. Only recently had astronomers believed
they'd earned a measure of overdue respect from the broader community of
scholars. Stunning discoveries from the Hubble Space Telescope, plus new
theories on the origins of the universe, had put astronomy into the
forefront of public consciousness.

The WSF's announcement changes all that. While astronomy will still be
studied in schools and research institutions, its practitioners may no
longer refer to themselves "scientists". No future Ph.D. degrees may be
conveyed by accredited universities of science. However, a grandfather
clause allows current doctoral students to complete their studies and earn
degrees within 18 months.

Perhaps the most significant changes are in matters of protocol when
scientists meet. Astronomers will still be permitted to attend academic
gatherings, but they must defer to official scientists in lectures,
workshops, and buffet lines. They must also refrain from displaying items
that identify themselves as scientists, such as t-shirts or vanity license
plates.

Reaction to the WSF's announcement among astronomers was a mixture of
disappointment and outrage.

"I am very saddened by this decision," said Dr. Velikov Vonk, noted
planetologist and author of the seminal paper 'On Renaming The Big Bang To
Something More Dignified.' "Astronomers have added much to the rich history
of science and to our understanding of the universe around us. I pray the
WSF will reconsider."

"It is disheartening, but not altogether unexpected," added Arpad
Arkabaranan, a researcher at the University of New Jersey. "Rumors have
been circulating throughout the scientific community for several months.
Personally, I find it the pedantic act of a self-important panel. It
accomplishes little more than fostering confusion among schoolchildren and
requiring countless textbooks and encyclopedias to be rewritten, all for the
sake of purity of nomenclature. Does the WSF not have any more important
issues to worry about?"

Other astronomers accepted the news with less equanimity.

"Who died and left them boss?" fumed William McGilly, a propulsion engineer
with NASA's Goddard Research Center. "I wonder what science is next on
their hit list. If I were an anthropologist or a geologist or a
cosmetologist, I'd be putting together my resume quickly."

Dr. Johansson points out that astronomy has not been kicked out of the
scientific club entirely. Rather, it will become "auxiliary scientific
pursuit #1", the first in a new category of demi-sciences under the WSF's
revised hierarchy. "We will rename astronomy as 'trans-earth studies' to
reflect its new status," says Johansson. "We believe that after the
disappointment fades, astronomers will be proud and excited to act as the
trailblazers in this exciting new arena."

Still, the WSF's announcement could not have come at a worse time to a field
that was felt it was close to turning the corner. Notable breakthroughs in
coming years would have included the Mars Lander, the International Space
Station, and the much-anticipated results of a joint Canadian and Japanese
task force to develop a pronunciation of Uranus that would not make high
school students giggle. ("That was going to be huge for us," says Vonk
forlornly.)

The new classification takes effect on April 1st, giving astronomers
precious little time to solve what might be their last problem as
scientists. For years, English-speaking children have been taught the
phrase 'My very earnest mother just served us nine pickles' to remember the
names of the nine planets in order. ('My' stands for Mercury, 'very' for
Venus, etc.) If astronomers downgrade Pluto to a minor solar object as
planned, possibly as their final act before losing their own official
status, a new mnemonic will be necessary. The solution has eluded
astronomers and linguists from around the globe.

Ponders Arkabaranan: "My very earnest mother just served us....nutmeg?
Nachos? New England Clam Chowder? Oh, poop! Give us time, we'll think of
something."

[nps. Thanks to Mr. R.A. Lafferty for his assistance in this story.]

[drpeterbright]

Death Of Dinosaurs



Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was
orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs... the tallest ones, anyway.