Jokes.

[meihui]

Programmers Drinking Song
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)

[meihui]

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed...

..oh wait, he does.

[meihui]

25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors



1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if
you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while
brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor
objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing,
shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!"
If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her
you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock.
Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and
the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about
two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit
the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the
duration of the class.

4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to
get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a
big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes,
saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take
a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers,
or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how
small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a
panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway
through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you
again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout
class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!"
Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking.
Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you
back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run
home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class,
release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand
sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look
at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After
a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this
once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every
time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to
"speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the
cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get
your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water
pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say,
"Pretty scary, huh?"

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class
until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the
strippers are going to arrive.

16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All"
or "An Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About."
Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra
credit.

19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the
building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note
to a rock, and throw it through the window.

20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think
up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class
and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that
he/she is "very inspiring."

21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor
that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and
relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper.
When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things
like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming
you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it
on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested,
and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic
interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make
copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next
to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck"
and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other
people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have
frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested
in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or
stop you, act annoyed and beat him up.

[meihui]

45 Cool Things To Do In A College Dorm Shower Stall



1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,
exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes
get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt
tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of
the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run
full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed
to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you.
Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those."
Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and
then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World
After All."

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next
stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or
you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the
chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick
numerous pins and forks in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try
to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say
that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting
negatively with your stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next
person showering.

10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they
come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to
sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the
residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little
battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw
them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the
power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of
your shower.

12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if
someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does,
tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that
the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations
and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in
your best groggy voice.

14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache,
then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain
"ditch" for all to see.

15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up
a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon
to set the trap up for you.

16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the
duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the
ground.

17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the
drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.

18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have
everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old
McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.

19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist
that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence
and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the
Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs,
bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory.
Leave wounded.

21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your
concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give
them the right to spread it.

22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it.
Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing
nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for
a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these
words REALLY mean?"

25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the
bathroom.

26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that
they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a
fountain.

27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and
wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about
how dizzy you are.

28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy
shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them
into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they
hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)

30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony
with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every
three measures.

31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have
rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo
on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.

32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and
Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people
using the toilet stalls.

33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to the
floor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Three
days later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and
terrorize the school.

34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon
leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by
the Germans. Be ****y.

35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and then
announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of
tastes like head cheese.

36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their
rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy
organization.

38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the
stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and
ignore them for the rest of your life.

39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime
Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet,
tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and
tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and
fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm
coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head.
Walk out a pegleg.

42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain,
light them on fire. Then they'll pay.

43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains
about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful
for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call
them ingrates.

44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets
a shock. Call them glowworms.

45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you
bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor
shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.

[meihui]

A Grad Students Schedule
A Grad Student's Schedule


6:30am Wakeup and lie awake in bed
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out
for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit
the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch
at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school
Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today must have
got more work done
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is
coming in today. He is, darn.
Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about
the class. Hate your TA job.
Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask
for your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to
your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
Feel good about him not grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around
the world (using the "finger" command, of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file, write a shell program to edit .plan more easily
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you dont need
& and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
11:05 perverted daydreams
11:11 read electronic news
mid-morning yawn time
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are
working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all the
garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more
than 256 characters per half minute
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs
12:20 BigMac/Fries time
Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk.
Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness
resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your
advisor
Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work
for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
graduation possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/
and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do
that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree
program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams.
Close the office door and open a few .gif files.
sharpen pencil
3:06 worry about never graduating
time to write a letter--NOT! no time for that.
rearrange desk
call up bank; see if you have any money
fear of losing aid next Fall
Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 watch the clock
make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office
9:01 The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office
late at night to "get the work done"
9:03 Check electronic mail
Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp sites since
network wont be loaded
Run into "since network wont be loaded" traffic and get the
pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space.
Back up all your pictures
10:11 Admire pictures
Begin work; Realize you need references
Realize its too late today to go to the library
Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night
Decide to turn in early and come back very early tommorrow morning
Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good
mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the
scoreboard.
Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two notches
above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place.
A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not wasted!!
Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman reruns
on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you
had."
Discuss philosophy with roommate
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke)
Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and
whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost
the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today
Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to
sleep.

[meihui]

A Psychology Course



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Dave stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Dave?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[meihui]

Aspiring Psychiatrists



The from various colleges were attending their first
class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student
from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "How about the
opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

[meihui]

College Habits To Bring Home



1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9. Yell "FLUSH!"

10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13. Get dressed in the dark.

14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17. Order pizza every Friday night.

18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a
room by yourself.

19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
much extra space.

20. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go
out.

21. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).

22. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay
phone in the house.

[DaoWay]

I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine
message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of
several celebrities. Here is what I heard:

CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep
answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away.
You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six.
Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"

BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be
an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like
to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever
your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."

LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your
@%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound
of the &*@#% beep!"

JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any
lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If
you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you
STUPID IDIOT!!!"

HOWARD COSELL: "I may have cast off my mortal coil in overtime but my
answering machine lives on with its inimitable running commentary. Anyway,
the big question facing us at the sound of the tone will be whether you
will leave a communicatory message of sufficient excitation to arouse the
auditory interest of your many fans or will you stoop once again to your
usual evasive obfuscation. We anxiously await what will be an indubitably
momentous decision."

G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the
tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event,
I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said."

MR. T: "HEY FOOL! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I really pity you if you don't
leave a message at the sound of the tone. And if you give me any back talk,
I'm gonna whomp you upside your head so bad you won't ever feel like talking
again! All you'll feel is pain! YOU HEAR ME? PAIN!"

WOODY ALLEN: "Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound
of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills
are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering
machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were
incompatible."

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the
machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly
known as 'BEEP!'"

[DaoWay]

Groucho Marx Quotes



================================================== ======================

Disclaimer:
All these have been collected from the Net.
The authenticity and exactitude of each quote is not guaranteed.
Sources are not known except where given.

( Ascii picture illustrations have been removed in this version for
alt.quotations and rec.humor but the illustrated version is posted
to alt.ascii- art and alt.comedy.mark-bros, for those who like the
ASCII illustrations. )

================================================== ======================


| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ | o |
| o | The | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Groucho Marx | o |
| o | | o |
| o | Fan Club | o |
| o |___________________/| o |
| o | ___________________ | o |
| o |/ | o | -cfbd-
| o | | o |
| o | | o |
| o | 12-4-97 | o |
| o | | o |




" I sent the club a wire stating, ^please accept my resignation. I
don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member^.
_Groucho and Me_ (1959) ch. 26


" Hello. I must be going." -- Groucho Marx


" Blood's not thicker than money. "

- Groucho Marx ( Double Dynamite )


" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

- Groucho Marx ( A Day at the Races ).


" Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
probably more than she ever did. "

- Groucho Marx ( Duck Soup ).


" I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. "

- Groucho Marx


"Room service? Send up a larger room"

- Groucho Marx


"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

- Groucho Marx

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna."

- Groucho Marx

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

- Groucho Marx

" Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. "

- Groucho Marx


" I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it
on I go into another room and read a good book. "
-- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx (1895-1977)


" From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
-- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977


" Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here!
You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!"
-- Groucho marx


When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
just whispering in her mouth".


" Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second
question first." -- Groucho Marx


" Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an
institution? "
- Groucho Marx


"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
-- Groucho Marx


"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open." - Groucho Marx


Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
-- Groucho Marx


"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx


" Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds
me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx


" Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." -- Groucho Marx


"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party."
-- Groucho Marx


" You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well,
we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in
the garage all night.." -- Groucho Marx


" Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to
your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any
difference." -- Groucho Marx


"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
-- Groucho Marx


Groucho: "What do you call a lady with a broken leg?"
"Eileen"
"What do you call an Oriental lady with a broken leg?"
"Irene"


" I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
I'll dance with the cows till you come home. " -- Groucho Marx


" I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's
good enough for him is good enough for me." -- Groucho Marx


" I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself." -- Groucho Marx


(To a steamship captain:) "If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time." -- Groucho Marx


"We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't
developed. We're going back next year."
-- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers )


"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
-- Groucho Marx


"How do you feel about women's rights ? "
" I like either side of them."
-- Groucho Marx


" Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! "
-- Groucho Marx

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception. "
- Groucho Marx


"Can I buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx


----------------------------------------------------------------------


From THE BIG SHOW

Interviewing Jane Powell from "You Bet Your Life"

GM: How old are you?
JP: 19
GM: You call that old...Why don't you step closer to the microphone
so that the announcer can hear you...On second thoughts just
step closer to the announcer.
JP: Well, which is which?
GM: The microphone is more hose in the head.

[DaoWay]

Rodney Dangerfield's "I Get No Respect" Quotes


"Good crowd... good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm
ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family
tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought
for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing
pens."

"When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled
through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio."

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every
room."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him... Do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I
don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your
mark..."

"On Halloween... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last
year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different... when I
answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up
and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt
up my wife!"

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she
won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"For two hours... some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom
guys laughing at me."

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from
New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him... how
am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?... He told me... That is why we
give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... No days...
just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."

"My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed...
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch
herself laugh."

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as
she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said... did you see the
guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."

"I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said... Why should
I... you never put out for me."

"I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude... but I
didn't see the mouse trap."

"A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went
over... Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

"My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back
saying... Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't
ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed
sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she
had her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a
toilet."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to
find that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won
first prize."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire
State building and planes started to attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in
a hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like
hers it had a hook on the end of it."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint
bernard!"

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The
bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said... surprise me. He showed
me a naked picture of my wife."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she
called me from a hotel."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah... my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend."

"One day... as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said...
Because you came home early."

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

"Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her... The best woman a man ever
had... The waiter joined me."

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom!"

[DaoWay]

Suggested Epitaphs For Current Celebrities



Excerpted from Ed Weiner's upcoming book, "DEATH ... Is Just God's Way of
Letting You Know She Didn't Find You All That Amusing"
See also: http://www.voicenet.com/~macguy/

Bill Clinton: "Not Inhaling"

Rush Limbaugh: "Nothing Left"

"Here Lied Richard Nixon"

Saddam Hussein: "Beneath Iraq and a Kurd Place"

Jay Leno: "Chin Up"

Ralph Nader: "Recalled"

Woody Allen: "Mia Culpa"

Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel: "Four Thumbs Down"

Prince Charles: "Never Say Di"

Princess Diana: "Chucked It All"

McCauley Culkin: "Home Alone"

Oscar Mayer: "Home Balone"

Madonna: "Not Home Alone -- Ever ... and Not Wearing Underwear, Either.
Does That Shock You? Wanna See Me Vogue? I Was a Singer, a Dancer, an
Actress, a Phenomenon, and I Can See You Peeking At My Breasts, But That's
Okay, Because ..."

Alan Dershowitz: "Appeal Denied"

Patty Hearst: "Tanya Tuckered"

David Lynch: "Rest in Peaks"

Catwoman: "Using Her Box"

Haagen-Dazs: "Forever In Our Hearts"

DeForest Kelley: "Bones"

George Lucas: "F/X Marks the Spot"

Joseph Heller: "Something Happened"

Jack Nicholson: "One Easy Peace"

Geraldo Rivera: "Finally, the Right Vault"

Hugh Hefner: "Death, Be Not Prude"

Paul Newman: "The Color of Mummy"

[DaoWay]

The Wisdom Of Supermodels



ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my
God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to
get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low
self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular
about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night.
We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall

ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks

ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help
it."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen
anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball
and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if
she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to
meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I
know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are
nearby."
-- Fabio

ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer

ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick
tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-- Carol Alt

ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as
royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little
scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all
over them."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS
"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON THINKING
"When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON LOGIC
"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it
shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington

ON BODY PARTS
"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I
feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks

ON BODY LANGUAGE
"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington

ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to,
and I would."
-- Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached
a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was
a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE
"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser
to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha

ON SELF-ESTEEM
"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
-- Cameron Diaz

[DaoWay]

Things People Havent Said
Things People Haven't Said


Hillary Clinton: I can't do that! It's illegal!

Pamela Lee: My, I have pretty feet! So, I like, get to wear clothes in
this movie?

Ted Kennedy: Shouldn't we wait until your 18? No thanks. I think I've had
enough to drink.

Bob Dole: I (singular) want to run for president.

Pauly Shore: I can't do that role. It's degrading to my acting talent.

The Spice Girls: So, what key is this song in?

Michael Jackson: Wow! That woman's hot!

Louis Fahrakan: Well, maybe somethings are my fault.

The Democratic National Committee: So, where did this money come from?

[DaoWay]

Those Smart Playmates Of The Year
Those Smart "Playmates Of The Year"


Howard Stern hosted Julie Cialini ('95 Playmate of the Year) and Stacy
Sanches ('96 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid joviality. The
ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions
from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them *as role
models* for young women to stay up on current affairs. The ladies' answers
were amusing (and a bit sad), but the bit did prove that you don't have to
be a neurosurgeon to earn a pile of cash! Love him or hate him, you have to
appreciate Howard's sense of the absurd.

Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: Gorbachev
Stacy: Gretzky
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)

Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: Something, something, for Certified Pianists.
Stacy: It's some kind of police organization.
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored
People)

Q: Who was the inventor of the light bulb?
Julie: I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the light
bulb guy.
Stacy: I don't know.
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the
phone guy!)

Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: Gore something-or-other.
Stacy: Bill Clinton.
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international
members of the market, Al Gore is the U.S. Vice President, Bill
Clinton is our president.)

Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: I don't know.
Stacy: Certified Investigation Association.
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)

Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: The Equator
Stacy: The Moon
(correct answer: The Sun)

Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to
what he termed "industry related" questions:

Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan"

Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: both knew it was an elite champagne

Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche

Q: Whose face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin