Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

[drpeterbright]

What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun as long as your friends don't see you on 'em!

[drpeterbright]

What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
The pricks are on the inside

[drpeterbright]

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."

[drpeterbright]

''Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. Now, have you got all that in your head?''

''Yes.''

'' Yeah, I thought so.''

[drpeterbright]

When they made you, they broke the mold. Then, they found the moldmaker, dragged him out into the street, and shot him. Repeatedly

[drpeterbright]

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

[drpeterbright]

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

[drpeterbright]

3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

[drpeterbright]

Different Ways To Say ''You're Stupid''


A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.

[drpeterbright]

30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life



1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to
send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since
we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into
contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic
town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway,"
but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie
charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall
in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

[drpeterbright]

A New Virus Called "Work"


Warning:

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort
of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their
social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all,
then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had
enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub."

The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive
"work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work"
to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar
with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After
repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be
of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

[drpeterbright]

A Possessed Computer



For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and
our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the
class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and
switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and
immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was
hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation
between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain
myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny,
I never got more than a C in that class.

[drpeterbright]

Calling For Technical Support



Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold
for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call,
please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone
touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a
secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is
printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at
your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all
your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing
materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event
that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain
from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and
blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from
ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized
world.

(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us
to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your
equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please
press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the
numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad,
spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the
will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes
your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in
its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two
hours.

(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician
about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his
valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor
screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or,
alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every
possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only
telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I
consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can
probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the
central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not
honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line
immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly
desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the
reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of
a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this
week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you
may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows
you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would
like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the
telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for
Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic
starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate
that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack
combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing
so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base
and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non- living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support
and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product
users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs.

Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any
further technical problems arise.

[drpeterbright]

Computer Support Hacking Through The Jargon Jungle
Computer Support: Hacking Through The Jargon Jungle


When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data
input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know
what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer
industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've
gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the
uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha- Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user
feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta- Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta
is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer- Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger
"Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow
Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and
offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot
worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the
"Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself.
The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working
for IBM.

CPU- Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It
consists of a hard drive, an interface card, and a tiny spinning wheel
that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286,
a ferret if it's a 386, and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Default Directory- Black hole. Default directory is where all files that
you need disappear to.

Error message- Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on
users for the program's shortcomings.

File- A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps
to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when
you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock,
and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware- Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked
or battered.

Help- The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help
feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series
of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning
anything.

Input/Output- Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data
and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release- A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory- Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and
the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer- A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the
case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

Programmers- Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school
nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and
Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who
create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave
them noogies.

Reference Manual- Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to
compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date- A carefully calculated date determined by estimating
the actual shipping date and subtracting six months
from it.

User-Friendly- Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes
perfect sense to a programmer.

Users- Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.