Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was
down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken
nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

[belveder]

[belveder]

Alien Sex


A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

"Well," she said.

"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[Wiggo's-sister]

How And What?
=============

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch >a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast
Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of
The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt
Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad
Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce the Same? Somebody's
Gonna Lose A Trailer

[belveder]

Politicians


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when,
all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree
in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days
later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the
old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them politicians lie."

[belveder]

The Dress Of Love


An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting
for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing
naked?"

The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds: "This is the dress of love."

And he says to her: "Well, go iron it first."

[benue]

Christmas is cancelled!

T`was the night before Christmas-old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I`ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "thanks Santa"-what do I hear?
The old lady *****es cause I work late at night..
The elves want more money-The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought things would get better,
Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes- if that aint funny
Who ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible...Those mean little sh*ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yoyo`s - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I`m IBM
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I`m quitting this job...there`s just no enjoyment
I`ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There`s no christmas this year...now you know the
reason...
I found me a blonde. I`m going SOUTH for the season.



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl::rofl:

[asklepios]

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".


Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

[dryadsoul]

And here I thought his Grandad was TT BG Mod. :eek:

[minibubba]

And here I thought his Grandad was TT BG Mod. :eek:

nah, it's just what he will grow up to be :rofl:

[asklepios]

nah, it's just what he will grow up to be :rofl:

does that mean Olie = George Washington's grand dad? :rofl:

[asklepios]

this is an excerpt from a real IRC room
-----------------------------
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked by t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right
----------------------------

[minibubba]

this is an excerpt from a real IRC room
-----------------------------

:rofl: god that's good...

i was talking about the sam/teacher joke before, you've got to do a lot of talking to be a TT mod in the BG ...or at least it seems that way ;) :laugh:

[asklepios]

i was talking about the sam/teacher joke before, you've got to do a lot of talking to be a TT mod in the BG ...or at least it seems that way ;) :laugh:

oh and i thought you ppl were talking abt TT BG Mod being more dangerous than a guy with an axe in hand :rofl:

[minibubba]

oh and i thought you ppl were talking abt TT BG Mod being more dangerous than a guy with an axe in hand :rofl:

that's true too! :devil: