Jokes.

[Kay]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[Wiggo's-sister]

"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought
that their ass was too fat,

15 percent said their ass was too thin
and the other five percent said they
didn't care - they would have married
him anyway!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.
For some reason the mother was unusually
quiet. Finally the husband asked what was
wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously,
what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll
tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed
the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day,
you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15
years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

[Kay]

Proper Diskette Care instruction guide...

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for
writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second
line.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty & so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
.. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.

I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell."

[Wiggo's-sister]

[Wiggo]

<center>Two Old Ladies</center>

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>An Old Lady And Her Hat</center>

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Three Old Ladies</center>

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Ethal and Mabel</center>

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm".
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Four Men Go Fishing</center>

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Kay]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the
doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to
pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was
making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large
black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last
week."

[Kay]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book
stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman
asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase.
The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and
said, "That book is one dollar, sir."

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price.
The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was
one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts
to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on
speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and
the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"

Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter."

The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said
it was a dollar."

Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was
a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."