Jokes.

[asklepios]

i m not going any way near that copy your are writing...:confused:

[Wiggo's-sister]

A hunter was combing the woods for the elusive
Sasquatch. After some time, he comes across an old
Indian chief. The chief asks the hunter what he is looking
for, and the hunter tells him: "Sasquatch."

Not knowing what this Sasquatch was, he asked the
hunter to describe it.

"Well, it's big, hairy, and probably stinks real bad," says
the hunter.

The chief thought for a few moments, and replied: "What
you looking for not called Sasquatch, it
called Squaw Snatch!"

[Kay]

The Barbie doll enjoys being one of the worlds most popular toys. However, along the way to getting that status, there were a number of doll variations that never quite made it. This is a list of the Barbie dolls that you most likely haven't seen on store shelves lately...

1) Scratch and Sniff Barbie (Use your imagination...we're not saying a word.)

2) Crash Test Barbie

3) Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere)

4) Marie Antionette Barbie (with removable head; guillotine included)

5) Hiroshima Barbie (just a shadow of her former self)

6) East German Swim Team Barbie (a Barbie head on a Ken doll)

7) Frozen Barbie on a Stick (in your grocer's frozen food section)

8) Forrest Gump Ken (Pull his string and he complains for two and a half boring hours.)

9) Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)

10) Broken Bungee Barbie [picture of a Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement]

11) FrankenBarbie [pic of green Barbie with bolts through her neck]

12) Shock Therapy Barbie (car battery and wires included)

13) Samuel L. Jackson Ken (He'll get medieval on your a**.)

14) Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)

15) Biker Barbie (We're talking Harleys, not Stumpjumpers.)

16) Fat Barbie, in the following three varieties: a) Big Butt Barbie b) Love Handles Barbie c) More Chins than a Chinese Phone Book Barbie

17) Peg Leg Barbie

18) Eye Patch Barbie

19) Politically Incorrect Barbie (Pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs.)

20) Death Row Barbie

21) Life Size Anatomically Correct Barbie (for all you perverts out there)

22) Grunge Barbie (with flannel shirt and a goatee)

23) Homeless Barbie (complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart)

24) Tattoo Barbie [pic of Barbie with tattoos all over her back]

25) Burn Victim Barbie (bandages and Bactine included)

26) Venus de Milo Barbie (made of rock; no head, no arms)

27) Bulemic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)

28) Cyberpunk Barbie (includes 'trodes and implants)

29) White Trash Barbie

30) KKK Barbie (see #29)

31) Tammy Fae Barbie (WAY too much makeup)

32) Serial Killer Barbie

33) Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)

34) Cannibal Barbie (Great visual imagery, huh?)

35) Fast Food Barbie (Also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?)

36) Teenage Slut Barbie (see #21)

37) Domestic Abuse Barbie (black eye)

38) Ski Bunny Barbie (soon to be #56)

39) Sucking Chest Wound Barbie [pic of same]

40) Alien Barbie (Don't tell ANYONE...)

41) Mafia Ken (With a violin case...you got a problem with that?)

42) Alcoholic Barbie

43) Mutant Barbie (Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball, wearing a Dark Phoenix costume)

44) Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie [pic of doll in skimpy dress]

45) FemmiNazi Barbie (Pull the string and find out why men suck.)

46) Napoleon Ken (stands 2" tall)

47) Midget Barbie (partner to #46)

48) Ebola Barbie (Twelve hours after opening she'll be reduced to nothing.)

49) Spank-Me Barbie (see #36)

50) Shish-Ka-Barbie (Here's one we'd all like to see!)

51) Knocked-Up Barbie [pic of Barbie with big belly]

52) Chain Smoker Barbie (with Surgeon General's warning on box)

53) Tough B*tch Barbie (see #15)

54) Junkie Barbie (Gotta love those needle tracks...)

55) Iron Maiden Barbie (not the band, the device)

56) Avalanche Barbie (buried in 16 feet of snow)

57) Hooker Barbie (#44 after the show)

58) Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken (Who knows?)

59) Whoopie Cushion Barbie (Do you really need a description?)

60) LAPD Barbie (Comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.)

61) Microsoft Barbie [pic of Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head]

62) Realistic Teenage Barbie (flat chest, braces, and acne)

63) Body-Piercing Barbie

64) Breast Cancer Barbie (shaved head, hospital gown, one breast)

65) Tasmanian Barbie (spins like a top)

66) Siamese Twins Barbie

67) Edible Barbie (also known as Choc-O-Barbie)

68) Hockey Barbie (Looks like #37 with a hockey stick and missing teeth.)

69) Triple Bypass Barbie

70) Lance Ito Ken (with beard, robe, and entirely too much advertising)

71) Marsha Clark Barbie (with a bad haircut and a bad attitude)

72) Diarrhea Barbie (Always on the run.)

73) Kleptomaniac Barbie [pic of doll with suction cup hands]

74) Barbie of Borg (You will buy one. Resistance is futile.)

75) Witch Doctor Barbie (see #34)

76) Elvira Barbie [pic of doll with skimpy black gown and long, black hair]

77) Werewolf Barbie (normal doll, except under a full moon)

78) Living Dead Barbie (use your imagination)

79) Bigfoot Barbie (sold mostly in the Northwest)

80) Cyclops Barbie (One eye, right in the middle of her forehead.)

81) Cyclops Ken (A perfect partner for #43.)

82) Flying Hero Barbie (Yes, I know they made this one, but it's at least as ludicrous as anything we came up with.)

83) Spock Ken (pointy ears, one eyebrow raised)

84) Hippie Barbie (complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia)

85) Knifing Victim Barbie (Bears a striking resemblance to...oh, never mind.)

86) Head Trauma Barbie (I don't even want to talk about that one.)

87) Leprosy Barbie (with removable appendages)

88) Mortal Kombat Barbie (includes more blood than you can even imagine)

89) Iron Lung Barbie

90) Texas Necktie Barbie (with gallows)

91) Safari Barbie (With rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide.)

92) Steroid Barbie (The rest of her physique is as exaggerated as her bust is on the normal doll!)

93) Rock Climbing Barbie (#10 with climbing gear)

94) Militant Femminist Barbie (#45 with an assault rifle)

95) Paraplegic Barbie (Her legs don't move.)

96) Quadraplegic Barbie (Neither do her arms.)

97) Cadaver Barbie (removable internal organs)

98) Hunchback Barbie (Pull the string and she cries, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!")

99) Nancy Kerrigan Barbie (Her knees bend backwards.)

[Kay]

continued

100) Tonya Harding Barbie (You didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?)

101) Barbie Brain in a Jar [pic of an empty jar]

102) Circus Clown Barbie (Looks almost identical to #31.)

103) Human Cannonball Barbie (complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 15-20 eet.)

104) Lion Tamer Barbie (Lion is included. Barbie's head is not.)

105) Freak Show Barbie

106) Bearded Barbie [pic of same]

107) Elephant Trainer Barbie (squashed flat)

108) Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends undergarments)

109) Chernobyl Barbie (glows in the dark)

110) Jabba the Barbie [pic of Jabba with a Barbie head]

111) Princess Leia Barbie [pic of Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars]

112) Darth Vader Barbie (Plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones.)

113) Wookie Barbie (obnoxious blonde hair everywhere)

114) Sharon Stone Barbie (Is there a difference?)

115) 'Arnold' Ken (big and buff, no neck)

116) Rush Limbarbie (Big, no neck, but not buff. See also #16.)

117) Godzilla Barbie (six foot tall lizard with Barbie head)

118) King Kong Barbie (six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae)

119) T2 Barbie (a study in silver)

120) Bugs Barbie (buck teeth, long ears)

121) Elmer Fudd Ken (bald with hunting hat and rifle)

122) Joker Barbie [pic of Barbie with Joker grin and white face]

123) Two-Face Barbie [pic of Barbie with Tommy Lee Jones' makeup from Batman Forever]

124) Dirty Harry Barbie (Comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, "Go ahead. >giggle< Make my day!")

125) Power Ranger Barbie (has the riculous outfit and karate-chop action)

126) Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie [pic of one of the Turtles with Barbie head]

127) One-Eyed-Head-on-a-Spider-Made-from-an-Erector-Set-Barbie (just what it sounds like)

128) Potato(e) Head Barbie (also just what it sounds like)

129) Picasso Barbie (Everything's in the wrong place.)

130) Steamroller Barbie (looks a lot like #107)

131) Roadkill Barbie (looks like #130 but with tire tracks)

132) Tail Hook Barbie (naval uniform with a VERY short skirt)

133) Backdraft Ken (perfect partner for #25)

134) Stuntman Ken (comes with lots of Band-Aids)

135) Spear-through-the-Head-Barbie (formerly #91)

136) Bow-Legged Barbie (High Stepper not included.)

137) Amazon Barbie [pic of Barbie in a leopard skin outfit]

138) Shark Attack Barbie (Oh, must we describe everything for you?)

139) Stampede Barbie (We're not talking about the rodeo in Calgary here...)

140) Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer (an excellent Holiday gift idea)

141) Disco Barbie

142) Trailer Park Barbie (For the parent who wants to show their child what grown-up life is really going to be like.)

143) Hypothermia Barbie (formerly #56)

144) Battering Ram Barbie [pic of Barbie's head on the end of a battering ram]

145) Joan of Arc Barbie (comes with stake, kindling, and matches)

146) Rastafarian Barbie (She has dreadlocks and ganja, mon.)

147) Brickhouse Barbie (Built like a brick sh...well, you know.)

148) Medusa Barbie [pic of Barbie with snakes for hair]

149) Gangsta Barbie (complete set of Raiders apparel and rap cassette included)

150) Mafia Barbie (Feet set in cement--she really sinks!)

151) Statue of Liberty Barbie (tall, green, corroded)

152) Cartoon-style 'Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Falling-Anvil' Barbie (see #127)

153) Barney Barbie (Bloated, plush, and purple; pull the string and she spouts inane drivel.)

154) Junkyard Barbie (A little like #23, but meaner.)

155) Cut-the-Lady-in-Half-Magic-Trick-that-Went-Wrong Barbie (see #152)

156) Banzai Barbie (a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie)

157) Tree Hugger Barbie (Pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric.)

158) Ballistic Missile Barbie (like #103, but more so)

159) Saloon Barbie [pic of doll dressed like Old West Saloon girl]

160) Green Giant Barbie [pic of Green Giant with Barbie's head--or vice versa]

161) Tool Time Barbie (Includes tool belt, which she has no idea how to use.)

162) P.O.W. Barbie (undernourished, tortured, and shell-shocked)

163) Lumberjack Barbie (sleeps all night, works all day)

164) Blockhead Barbie [pic of doll with Charlie Brown's head]

165) Organ Donor Barbie (Just like #97, but not dead yet.)

166) Jock Barbie (Looks like Dennis Rodman.)

167) Sears Tower Window Washer Barbie (see #10)

168) Baler Barbie (Wrapped in twine; also known as Farm Accident Barbie.)

169) Oscar Meyer Barbie [pic of Barbie on a bun]

170) Easter Island Barbie (the famous statue with blonde hair)

171) Banjo Barbie (complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette)

172) Mick Jagger Barbie [pic of Mick with Barbie's head (but Mick's lips)]

173) Headgear Barbie (guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better)

174) Albino Barbie

175) Neon Deion Barbie (It costs $35 million, and you just know some idiot's going to buy it...)

[TwizlZone]

Get close to the screen and stare at the doorway for about a few minutes

[dryadsoul]

Old Indian chief
Not knowing what this Sasquatch was, he asked the
hunter to describe it.

The word Sasquatch is original Yakima native american term
for Bigfoot/Yeti which pre-dates the former but not the latter.
See old indian cop-he-right...........lol.....:wave: HI WS & Kay

And Kay, what happened to the Barbie-Que.........comes
black & blistered w/wout BarBQ sauce/hot cross buns:?: : omg: :cheers:

[Kay]

guess I forgot that one but the shrimp must not be Ken in that case :D

[TwizlZone]

Thats _ucking Funny

Okay this ones for you Wiggo,wannabeblonde thang...


What do you get when you stand six Blondes on their Heads?





Six toothless Brunettes with extremely bad breath!

[Wiggo's-sister]

A true story.

My Sister-in-law is the chief EMT in a small town in Southern
Indiana. She was on duty one night when there came a call of
a "domestic disturbance". The custom was that an ambulance was
dispatched to accompany all of these calls received by the
police. She arrived just behind the policeman. When they got out
of their vehicles, a woman's voice could be heard screaming from
inside the back of the house.

The policeman broke open the front door, and the screaming
intensified. As they ease their way through the house to the
master bedroom the screaming kept getting louder and louder. When
they opened the bedroom door, the first thing they saw as a naked
woman, spread eagle on the bed and tied hand and foot to the four
corners of the bed. The lady saw the policeman and my sister-in-
law, and shut up, and then started babbling. At this point my
sister-in-law was the first to see him.

Laying at the foot of the bed, was a naked man, dressed only in a
Batman cape and head piece. He was unconscious and bleeding from
a wound above his left eye. When he was rolled over, he was
recognized as the mayor, and the lady was not his wife. When it
was sorted out, they were participating in some sex role playing.
And, when the mayor got up on the end of the bed, he had been
struck in the head by the ceiling fan, knock unconscious, the
lady though he had been killed, and had started screaming because
she did not want to lay there forever.

The mayor begged, pleaded, and ordered that no one talk. But, a
few days later when he stopped in to a local dinner for
breakfast, the customers began humming the Batman theme.

[dryadsoul]

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations & Statistics
A woman worries about the future untill she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future untill he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness
To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Memory
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[dryadsoul]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake
up Dear." Men just aren't equiped for this sort of contest.

[TwizlZone]

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

[asklepios]

<HTML>
<CENTER>
<FONT COLOR="BLUE">
:bounce: 1000 Posts </FONT>:bounce: </CENTER><BR><BR>
Dog Day Afternoon
</HTML>
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''

The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG!''

[Wiggo's-sister]

Congrats.....I hear-by present you with the gold medal for 1000 posts.....

A couple gets married.

Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their
honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads
her legs...Her husband looks at her and he begins to weep
uncontrollably.

She says, "What's the matter?"

He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now, NOW..."

"Now?" she asks.

"Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Romantic Winter Vacation
========================

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm
them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and
says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them
up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands
are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
get cold?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things to Ponder
================

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there.... I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it."

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[dryadsoul]

Ditto on the congratualtions and Have ya gotten your dog a new chew toy yet Asklepios?

The Anniversary Lay


A couple coming up on thier 50th wedding anniversary decide to revisit the Iowa farm town in which they actually met.
While drinking in the local pub, the husband ask if she rememered
the first time they had sex behind farmer McKinsey's barn.
To which she replies, "that was one of the best nights we ever spent together."
So, the husband reponds with, "Well, I feel the same way, so how about a rematch?"
"I thought youl'd never ask." Say's the wife.
As they gather thier coats a young man, having overheard them,
decides it would be fun to watch the older couple trying to relive
thier sexual past, and follows them to the barn.
Where the wife drops here panties and raises her skirt and right leg, as the husband drops his pants and steps into his wife's arms
while grabing the fence.
The older couple moan and groan and go at it for nearly an hour
before they drop to the ground in exhaustion. Once the couple
have recovered their clothing, the young man approaches the two
saying, "Wow, that was some amazing sex for an old couple, how
did you go for so long. I mean what is you secret?"
To which the couple both replies, "Secret my ass, 50 years ago that fence wasn't electric!!"