Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Answering Machine Messages
==========================

1. "Hi! Now you say something."

2. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets."

3. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are
still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

4. "This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about
returning your call."

5. "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

6. "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

7. "Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

8. "Hi. If you are a burgler, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
home and it's safe to leave us a message."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Check The Engine
================

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you
show on page 438, and, if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply:

"Please send check; if it's any good, we'll send the engine!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

A Nice Car
==========

A guy driving a Mini Cooper pulls up at a stoplight
next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Mini rolls
down his window and shouts to the driver of the
Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a
phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Mini!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes,
I have a phone."

The driver of the Mini says, "Cool! Hey, you got a
fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back
seat of my Mini!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes,
I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Mini says, "That's great, man! Hey,
you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in
the back seat of my Mini!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by
now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-
Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Mini says, "Very cool car! Hey, you
got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of
my Mini!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the
Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer,
where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in
the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of
the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb,
complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was
clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the
Mini, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night,
he finds the Mini parked, with all the windows
fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls
got out and knocked on the Mini. When there wasn't
any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually
the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,"
the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Mini looked at him and said, "You
got me out of the shower for THAT?!"

[asklepios]

Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
-- None of my socks match.
-- I'm having all my plants neutered.
-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
-- I'm touring China with a wok band.
-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
-- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
named Basil Metabolism.
-- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
-- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
-- I prefer to remain an enigma.
-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
-- I feel a song coming on.

[asklepios]

True Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we can call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now" The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep ****.

======================

Quiz...?
This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each woman $5,000 to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought
furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman
put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young man.
Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man married?

answer: The woman with the biggest ****, of course!

[Wiggo's-sister]

Female Comebacks
================

HE I'm a photographer, I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE I'm a plastic surgeon, I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE I must've been given your share!!!

HE Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE It's hot!!!

HE Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE Okay, get out!!!

HE I think I could make you very happy
SHE Why? Are you leaving?

HE What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE Can I have your name?
SHE Why, don't you already have one?

HE Shall we go and see a film?
SHE I've already seen it!!!

HE Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE Where have you been all my life?
SHE Hiding from you.

HE Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE Is this seat empty?
SHE Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE So, what do you do for a living?
SHE I'm a female impersonator.

HE Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE Do not enter.

HE How do you like your eggs in the morning?
SHE Unfertilized.

HE Your body is like a temple.
SHE Sorry, there are no services today.

HE I would go to the end of the world for you.
SHE But would you stay there?

HE If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE Where have you been all my life?
SHE Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Medicine and Taxidermy
======================

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself
through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and
their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore,
his income.

He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either
way, you get your dog back!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Field Trip
==========

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders
accompanied by two female teachers went on a
field trip to the local race track to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting
industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted
to go to the toilet so it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited
outside the men's toilet, one of the boys
came out and told her he couldn't reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside
and began hoisting the little boys up by
their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but
notice that he was unusually well-endowed
for an elementary school child. "I guess
you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh,
riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.

[dryadsoul]

SEA OF ******SS

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into ******ss Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of ******ss on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Fly in my pint

One day an Englishman, Scotsman and and Irishman walk into a pub together.They each bought a pint of ******ss. Just
as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, 3 flies landed in ech of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his , and continued drinking it as
if nothing happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out o' his drink, held it out over his pint and started yelling, "Spit it Out, Spit it Out you SOB.

Amazing Medical Advances

First Man: "there's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work construction. One day last year his hand got crushed by a bulldozer; and whatever those Doctors did is amazing - Today he's a concert pianist."

Second Man: "That's nothing. I knew a gut in college - laziest bum I ever knew. He was realy fat and out of shape.He was hit by a truck one, while trying to hitch a ride; broke near every bone in his worthless body.Somehow they pieced him back together and now he's a an Olympic gold Triathlete."

Third Man: "Yeah, well i knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't
much, but someone gave him a job in the Dynamite factory as a
stockboy. While working late one day in the warehouse, he got locked in. Unable to find the door & not being too bright, he lit a match and blew the entire place to kingdom come. All they could find were his fingers, ears and eyebrows. From that wee bit they
were able to put him back together and this very day, that kid is
the President of the USA."

[Wiggo's-sister]

The Seven Dwarves Meet the Pope
===============================

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven
dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns
in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks

as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[dryadsoul]

Chewing Gum

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. He ignores the froggy who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchy: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
Yank: "Of course."
Frenchy: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In france. we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect for recycling into croissants & sell them to the States";while smirking like an idiot.
As the Yank eats in silence.
The Froggy persists: "Do you eat jam on the bread?"
Yank replies: "Of course."
Frenchy: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. In France we eat only the fresh fruit for berakfast, then we
turn all peels, seeds, or pits to recyle as jam that we sell in the States."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why, but, of course we do", he says with pompous sneer.
Yank: "And what do you do with the used condoms afterwards?"
Froggy: "But, of course, we throw them away!"
Yank: "We don't. In the States, we put them in a Bio-Hazard container for rendering and then recycle them into Chewing gum,
Which ship to our retail distribution centers throughout France."

[dryadsoul]

Okay,this an actual newspaper clipping, but, it's to funny too not be in here.......................

[belveder]

The Wife's Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the
same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept
taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always
beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left
the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost
and I need directions!"




OOOOPPS sorry, I posted this in the wrong area, please accept my humble apologies, could someone please move this? Thanks

[The__tweaker]

:rofl:

[asklepios]

State license plates we'd like to see:

NEVADA
LVME 10DR
LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS

MASSACHUSETTS
OW-A CAH
THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE

HAWAII
L-O HA
FRUITY UMBRELLA ****TAIL WONDERLAND

WISCONSIN
CHEDDAR
EAT CHEESE OR DIE

[dryadsoul]

Amen, Asklepios, that's some right funny shyte.....but, ya seem
to have left out:

California

ILBBACK

THE E-TICKET RIDE ANYONE CAN BE GOVERNOR STATE

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman gave birth to six babies. On seeing this she
got out of her hospital bed, slapped her husband and
shouted, "I told you not to go doggy style"

[dryadsoul]

Speaking of doggies:

The only difference between a Mexican Hairless
or a Pit Bull humping your leg, is that the Pit Bull
gets to finnish.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Dual Exhaust
============

A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing
in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing
a little sand between his legs to shift.

She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that,"
she asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts.

Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox
fly off, all the sand flies out.

The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down
against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl
is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just
what I thought, dual exhaust.