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  • The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife.
    'Now listen, Luke,' the doctor advised, 'you have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care.'
    'Well, I do the best I can, Doc,' the fellow cried. 'You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired.'
    The doctor thought for a moment and then said, 'Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a- runnin'.'
    About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time really depressed. 'What's wrong' asked the doctor. 'Didn't you take my advice?'
    'Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week,' moaned the farmer. 'I haven't seen her since.'


    • A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

      The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

      The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

      Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
      The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

      But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

      Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

      All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

      He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
      "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

      "That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.

      The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"


      • A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a ***** Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

        Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

        When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "[email protected] off!"

        So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

        The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

        The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

        "What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

        "I wished for a long legged bird with a tight *****!"


        • A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

          The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

          The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

          The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

          The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

          The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

          The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

          The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"

          "Good, got any grapes?"


          • The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

            Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
            I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
            A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
            A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
            The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
            I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
            I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
            I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
            I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
            To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
            An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
            I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
            The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
            I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
            In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
            I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
            The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.


            • The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Clyde!"

              It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

              Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

              With tears in his eyes, a little boy told his teacher that he could not find his snow boots. The teacher took him by the hand and walked into the coat room. "There's your boots!" she exclaimed, pointing at the only pair of boots that were there. "But those are not MY boots!" the little boy wailed. "Are you sure?" the teacher asked. "I'm sure!" he sobbed. "Mine had SNOW on them!"

              A little girl walked into a store to do some Christmas shopping. "I'd like a pair of bedroom slippers for my grandma," she told the the clerk. He replied, "Sorry, we don't do exchanges."


              • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

                Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

                Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

                Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

                Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

                If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

                Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

                Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

                How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

                If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?


                • Why Parents Turn Gray
                  The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

                  Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

                  "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

                  Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"

                  "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
                  the small voice whispered, "no".

                  Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

                  "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

                  "No, he's busy", whispered the child."Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

                  Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

                  "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

                  In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

                  Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

                  Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"


                  • Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years.
                    Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of
                    those years by telling about their lives. Finally
                    Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
                    "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you
                    visit us."
                    "Great. Where do you live?"
                    "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking
                    behind the apartment. Park and come around to the
                    front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the
                    elevator and press the button with your left elbow,
                    then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down
                    the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press
                    the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you
                    "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of
                    kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator
                    buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
                    "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."


                    • 10 sure ways to make yourself popular at the office
                      ================================================== =

                      10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if
                      they don't, and then punch them in the mouth.
                      9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives
                      you the sympathy remarks.. tell everyone how you're just kidding..
                      8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard- then during the
                      meeting put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up
                      a big loogie - then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it
                      to the person next to you and say 'Beat that!'
                      7. Inform a male coworker that he 'wouldn't make a good hooker,' then
                      piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good 'ass f*cking.'
                      6. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the
                      front of your pants.
                      5. Answer every question asked to you with 'f*ck if I know!' then call
                      the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.
                      4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your
                      nuts. Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking
                      everyone's hand.
                      3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and
                      yell, 'It won't stop! God help me! It won't stop!' Then when it
                      stops... look down and say... 'Oh!'
                      2. Ask to borrow someone's pen- bring it to the bathroom - stick it in
                      your butt - return it and tell the person to smell it - when they
                      tell you that it smells bad - be like, 'It should! I had it in my
                      1. **** on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees
                      it, tell them it's the fake plastic kind- when they try to pick it
                      up, and realize that their hand is full of ****, laugh and point.


                      • When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the
                        soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens,"
                        he said, "what is this?"

                        "Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

                        "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"


                        • More than 100%

                          We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%."
                          Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of
                          here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one
                          achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

                          IF :

                          A = 1
                          B = 2
                          C = 3
                          D = 4
                          E = 5
                          F = 6
                          G = 7
                          H = 8
                          I = 9
                          J = 10
                          K = 11
                          L = 12
                          M = 13
                          N = 14
                          O = 15
                          P = 16
                          Q = 17
                          R = 18
                          S = 19
                          T = 20
                          U = 21
                          V = 22
                          W = 23
                          X = 24
                          Y = 25
                          Z = 26


                          H A R D W O R K =
                          8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%


                          K N O W L E D G E =
                          11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

                          But interesting (and as you'd expect),

                          A T T I T U D E =
                          1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

                          But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

                          B U L L S H I T =
                          2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

                          So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management,
                          and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!


                          • <center>Rain or Snow</center>

                            A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
                            "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
                            "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
                            "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
                            Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
                            Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
                            "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
                            As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
                            "It's raining, of course", Rudolph replied, and walked on.
                            But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!",
                            To which her husband replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".


                            • You know you're really broke when...

                              American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

                              Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a

                              You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

                              You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
                              Abe Lincoln.

                              Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

                              You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in
                              tennis shoes.

                              Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

                              You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

                              You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

                              Your bologna has no first name.

                              You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

                              Sally Struther's sends you food.

                              McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

                              At communion you go back for seconds.

                              You wash your toilet paper.

                              You have to save up to be poor.

                              You're in college.

                              On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a
                              thanksgiving meal.

                              You owe yourself money.

                              Your imaginary friend has more money than you


                              • Short But Sweet

                                A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you
                                know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes


                                "I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better
                                with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."


                                Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
                                Guest: I'll make my own bed.
                                Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.


                                In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
                                In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
                                year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


                                Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
                                "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must
                                have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but
                                I'd sure love to blow his mind."


                                Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her
                                husband's away!


                                "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh