Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. "Hey bartender," he says..."What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?" "Well, you see this lamp?" asks the bartender. "Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar." So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. "Hey wait a minute!" says the man. "I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks." The bartender looks at him and says..."I didn't want a 10' pianist either."

[drpeterbright]

ROFL - 10" would have been enough anyway. Shouldn't get greedy.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A guy meets a girl in a bar and after talking
for a few minutes he asks her name.
She replies "Carmen",

He says "that's one of my favourite names. Did
your mother choose that name for you?"
She replies "No, actually i changed my name to
Carmen"

He asks "Why did you do that?"
She replied "It's because i like cars and men,"
She then thinks for a minute and asks him
"What is your name?"
To which he replies, "Beersex"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets horny but true
to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide
open.

He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my
mouth??"

"Two aspirin," answered the husband.

"BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE YOU IDIOT!!"

"That's what I wanted to hear!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no
idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,
give me the strength to cross this river." POOF! God gave him big arms and
strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me
the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." POOF! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after
almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the
tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river."

And POOF God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked
upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the
gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these
years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to
do is ask.'

The cat says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor
family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy
pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the
gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've
been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms.
If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we
wouldn't have to run anymore.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse
is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how
the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new
pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you
doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says...'Oh, I've never
been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels
you've been sending over are the best!'

[Wiggo's-sister]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he
was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

[drpeterbright]

Arkansas: It's A Wild Place

Why are there no fertility clinics in Arkansas?

They would tell the women to try another brother

[drpeterbright]

Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

[drpeterbright]

[drpeterbright]

Bad Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"
Herman says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"

[drpeterbright]

"Honey, I Can't Perform!"

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes.

[drpeterbright]

$500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

[drpeterbright]

10 Things Men Won't Say


Let's watch Lifetime!
Sex is overrated.
I don't want to go too far on the first date.
Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
I'm glad I don't have a large *****.
My hips are too big.
Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
Does this suit make me look fat?
I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

[drpeterbright]

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''