Jokes.

[Wiggo]

Well what can 1 say except :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Top 1 there. :thumb:

[Kay]

A businessman and his secretary are overcome by passion, and the exec confinces his paramour to retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner". "Don't worry" he purrs "my wife is out of town on a business trip, and won't bother us".

The pair are necking in the business man's bedroom, when the secretary gasps "we got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control.."

"No problem" he replies "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm..."

He immediately begins rooting around in the bathroom. After a half hour, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That B!tch!" he exclaims "she took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me ....."

Blonde business man perhaps :?: ;)

[Wiggo's-sister]

Dead Sea Scrolls
================

The Dead Sea Scrolls, found in the 1940's will soon
be published. One item that hasn't received much
attention follows:

Lost Paragraph from Genesis:

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam
said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that
he was going to make Adam a companion and that it
would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather
food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll
wash it for you. She will always agree with every
decision you make. She will bear your children and
never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of them. She will not nag you and will
always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've
had a disagreement. She will never have a headache
and will freely give you love and passion whenever you
need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" And the
rest is history.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Two hunters from Michigan
=========================

(true story)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500
and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go
duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes
are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with
the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land
on, it is going to take a little more effort than
an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick
of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these
two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the
ice at a location far from where they are standing
(and the new Navigator), because they don't want
to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run
from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke
with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the
time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave
their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog,
cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the
shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with
# 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but
continues on.

Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new
Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown
to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very
large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with
this "I can't believe this happened" look on their
faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month
payments! And you thought your day was not going
well?

[Kay]

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

[Wiggo's-sister]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished."

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in ad shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to herand says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger..."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff
meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful
week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who
understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have
a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising
slogans."

Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was
they had to use past ad slogans that captured the
essence of Viagra. About 7 minutes later, they
turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten
List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the
rest of the week went very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a[man].

3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your *****. This is your ***** on drugs.

Any questions?

[Bern]

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.....and another thing about viagra....

[Wiggo's-sister]

ROFLMAO!!!!
HE'D BE ALRIGHT FOR AN ALL NIGHTER :lips:

[Kay]

The Epic of the Baked Beans


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on
like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans,
and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he
passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of
baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down
one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived
home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to
his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to
peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as
a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried
fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another
urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the
table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the
conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,
farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his
loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold
and yelled, "Surprise!!"

To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Wiggo]

<center>New Bike.</center>

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light.
Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

<center>:cheers:</center>

[Bern]

Hahahaha....good one wiggo :D

[Wiggo's-sister]

I wonder who had the last laugh

[Wiggo]

<center>Stuttering.</center>

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Th Three p pints o o of gui gui gui......."

So the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th......."

"Oh bugger this!" says the landlady and walks away to serve someone else.

She returns later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th ththth...........".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?"

"M M M M Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

"No. You lose." she says. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

"E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb..."

"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and she reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom, and finally she slides off her panties and climbs into bed.

Paddy, with concentration, climbs aboard and goes for glory. Then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out ...

"...............- D D D D D Derry!!"

<center>:cheers:</center>

[Bern]

Heh,heh....