Jokes.

[amd_man2005]

BODY MEETING


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?


The ******* is usually in charge

[amd_man2005]

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the
>paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer
>declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the
>wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power
>windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The
>farmer
>need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
>
>A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is
>in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
>
>The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00
>apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."
>
>The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few
>hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on
>one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
>
>The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of
>the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."
>
>"What extras?" asked the salesman.
>
>Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the
>cow..........
>
>BASIC COW..............................$500.00
>Two tone exterior.....................$45.00
>Extra stomach...........................$75.00
>Product storing equipment..........$60.00
>Sraw compartment....................$120.00
>4 Spigots @$10 ea....................$40.00
>Leather upholstery....................$125.00
>Dual horns................................$45.00
>Automatic fly swatter.................$38.00
>fertilizer attachment...................$185.00
>
>GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00

[amd_man2005]

>An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles
>north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he
>was
>speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
>he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to
>be late.
>
>The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
>driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
>ticket.
>The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
>and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some
>flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The
>juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and
>handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car
>pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance
>briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got
>in.
>The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
>opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The
>drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, there's no way I can pass that test."

[amd_man2005]

A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew.

Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replies, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.

"Nope," says the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute."

"Do you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.




"Yep."

"And you're still not afraid?"

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[amd_man2005]

Heres another

[Mr.Tweak]

A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane.
The stranger turned to little Johnny and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said little Johnny.

"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said little Johnny "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know sh#!?"

[The__tweaker]

^ :laugh: good one..

[Grim Reaper]

ROFLMAO!

Nice!


Q: Whats blue and looks like a bucket?
A: A blue bucket.


Q: Whats red and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket

Q: Whats green and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket in disguise.


*BOOM BOOM CHING!*

[minibubba]

^ : omg:

[Beefy]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing.

What was he singing, you ask???

(Get ready, it's good...)

I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone....

[Master]

Hi everyone haven'r posted here in a very long time.

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.

He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."


----------------------------------------------

When i was born I had to chose between a big dick and a great memory

I forgot which one i chose :D

[E^vol]

While driving to the office this morning on the Highway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
in a brand new
Cadillac
doing 65 mph
with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
my electric shaver,
which knocked
the donut
out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers ! !

[E^vol]

[E^vol]

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and it's dirty and probably has
germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "Everyone knows this stuff." "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."

Out of the mouth of Babes!!!

[Wiggo]

An Italian man walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replies: "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"