Jokes.

[asklepios]

can u believe things ppl do???? i was sitting next to this guy in church...in the middle of the prayer he lit a ciggarete..i was so shocked...i nearly dropped my beer!!!!

[Wiggo's-sister]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up,
hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined
to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his
chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how
much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and
screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and
don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"He's the pizza delivery guy."


-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mushrooms
=========

'I was married 3 times', explained the man to a
newly discovered drinking partner, 'and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison
mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.'

'That's a shame.' said his friend , 'How did it happen?'

'She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.'

[C_deck]

i really liked the last joke, here is another twisty fer ya.


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared
four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct
the first day's mistake.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives
with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone
948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying
telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves
with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.
I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone
disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she
was my housekeeper but she quit!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Annual Checkup
==============

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him
how he's feeling.

"I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you
think about that"?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you
a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear
appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear
and squeezes the handle.

The bear drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Shots
=========

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and
mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second one and
mumbles, "This is for the glory."

A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the
first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second
one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering...
what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I
bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.

"No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got
locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

[asklepios]

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

[C_deck]

oops

[Wiggo's-sister]

Parrot Prayers
==============

This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time,
embarrassing the owner to no end.

Finally, He went to his parish priest and told him of his
parrot problem. The priest replied, "I have a parrot who
also only knows one sentence. He always says, 'Let us pray.'
Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your
parrot will be praying by the end of the day."

So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to
the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priests
parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make Love."

The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
"My prayers have been answered."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chicken-humpers
=================

A parrot developed the bad habit of humping the farmer's hens, making them
quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull
out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again
catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald. The
following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would
be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them where to go. She
had spent nearly a year training the parrot for this. As the guests began
entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen
to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you
two chicken-humpers get up here with me."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour
pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to
10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the
mailman was dead on their porch.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid
your life of these clowns for good...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad
you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have
all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are
sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have etc. Continue asking
them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know
you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one,
and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This
is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or
her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot
participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and
then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if
he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call
him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers
cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want
anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree
and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at
your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and
dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask
if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.

The $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired
almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not
for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt
that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its
number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not
change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number,
and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24
hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on
deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the
motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa
said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite
with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the
Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a
night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the
hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola
said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked
an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day
weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne
veterans from World War II.

Her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called
to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if
she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to
take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel
to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet
parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet
parking, but we always recomend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that
the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from
Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the
motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the
telephone number."

[Wiggo's-sister]

This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it a little
while. Then it's even more weird. Just follow the instructions below:

DON'T scroll down too fast -- do it slowly and follow the instructions below
exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the
answers aloud quietly.







FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!





































What is:























































2+2?



























































4+4?











































































8+8?















































































16+16?























































Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.























































Got it?









Now scroll down...



































































































The number you picked was 7, right?




Isn't that weird??




Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge

[Wiggo's-sister]

THIS IS A REALLY QUICK ONE!!
MIND TRICK? (Or not)

Have you ever wondered if your mind is
normal or different?
Well, do this little mind exercise and
find out at the end!
Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
Check out the following exercise,
guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
There's no trick or surprise.
Just follow these instructions, and
answer the questions
one at a time and as quickly as you can. Again, as quickly
as you can but don't advance until you've done each of
them...really.
Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss
something)........


What is:






1+5







































2+4













































3+3












































4+2













































5+1












































Now repeat saying the number 6 to
yourself as fast as you can for
15 seconds. Then scroll down.









































































QUICK! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!
Then arrow down.





































































Keep going.



















































You're thinking of a carrot, right?

If not, you're among the 2% of the
population whose minds are different
enough to think of something else.
98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.
Freaky, huh?


I've got to admit with both of these I answered with the same reply, very FREAKY!

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman walks into her bosses office with this complaint:

"All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual
harassment. Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you
for discrimination."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Son Of A Magician
=================

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school
secretary on the first day of registration.

"He's a magician," said the new boy.

"How exciting. What's his best trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or
sisters?"

"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mood Ring
=========

A husband bought his wife a mood ring the other day.

When his wife is in a good mood, it turns green.

When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakkin' red
mark on his forehead.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner
and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

'"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a
small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Lead in the pencil
==================

Two older men sat on a bench in the park. One said, "I
hear that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."

The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to
tell you the truth, I don't have any women to write
to!"

[amd_man2005]

>>>An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,
>>>butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
>>>
>>>The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
>>>conversation. French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
>>>
>>>American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
>>>
>>>French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
>>>what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
>>>transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The
>>>Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
>>>
>>>The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
>>>
>>>American: "Of Course."
>>>
>>>Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
>>>In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
>>>seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
>>>and sell the jam to the states."
>>>
>>>The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
>>>
>>>Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
>>>
>>>American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
>>>
>>>Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
>>>
>>>American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle
>>>them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."