Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

1: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
intercourse?

2: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3: What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow
it?

4: What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5: Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one
of which is a word for a woman?

6: What does a dog do that you can step into?

7: What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you
can't get one you can use your hands?

8: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9: What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of
birdcages?

10: What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than
on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

..


..


..



Answers:

1. Talk.
2. Legs.
3. A twenty dollar bill.
4. Firetruck.
5. Bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt.
6. Pants.
7. Fork.
8. Almond Joy candy bar.
9. Grit.
10. Last name.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its beak and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one ******* in there."

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a
girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a f**kin' hike!!!"

8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

9.) After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

10.) A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a
club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been
all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the
first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

[Kay]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of f*cking sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a f*cking people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*ck you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic ***** just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like ****. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, f*cking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

[Wiggo's-sister]

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach
contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce
settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles
to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will
give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because
he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband
ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly
fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for
a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds
herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the
recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her
second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion
on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it
was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her
ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points
down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate
her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on
her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make
the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie
again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times
what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For
my last wish... "Id like to give birth to twins".

[asklepios]

yikes...:eek:
that must have hurt...i m talking about the husband :devil win :rofl:

[Kay]

and another punch line is the woman asking for a mild heart attack :rofl:

[Wiggo's-sister]

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally
alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Movie Ratings Explained
=================

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their ****er
spaniel.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had
an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became
apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll
never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like
this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke
down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife
and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his
way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of
baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could
walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in
and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of
baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he
arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted
his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but
ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he
felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a
diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from
gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue
ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table
rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were
dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and
fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone
farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked
at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked,
she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests
seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Wiggo's-sister]

My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a
scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of
the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.

Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working.
Then he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs
reading,

9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness
was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful
because he changed his statement after he gave
it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my
chambers today, I was positive that I had my
gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered
that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening,
his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your
watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up
for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone
for my watch, let alone three people. What happened?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife.
"He knew exactly where it was, so I figured you
sent him."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Men are Like
============

MEN ARE LIKE...Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the
first time, you can walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,
they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE...Blenders, you need one, but you're not
quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE...Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they
usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE...Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and
can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE...Commercials, you cant believe a word they
say.

MEN ARE LIKE...Computers, hard to figure out and never
have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE...Coolers, load them with beer and you can
take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE...Copiers, you need them for reproduction,
but thats about it.

MEN ARE LIKE...Curling Irons, they're always hot and
they're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE...Cement, after getting laid they take
along time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE...Government Bonds, they take so long to
mature.

MEN ARE LIKE...High Heels, they're easy to walk on once
you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE...Horoscopes, they always tell you what to
do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE...Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all
that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE...Mascara, they usually run at the first
sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE...Parking Spots, the good ones are already
taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely
small.

MEN ARE LIKE...Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a
little while.

MEN ARE LIKE...Place Mats, they only show up when
there's food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE...Snow Storms, you never know when they're
coming, how many inches youll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE...Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap
and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Machines, once they withdraw they
lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE...Bananas, the older they get, the less
firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE...Newborn Babies, they're cute at first,
but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE...Crystal, some look real good, but you can
still see right thru them.

MEN ARE LIKE...Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no
ring.

MEN ARE LIKE...Laxatives, they irritate the sh*t out of you.

[C_deck]

those of you that grew up with m$ will appreciate this flash.
click on all the options.

http://guggemand.dk/flash/27549_winrg.swf

[Wiggo's-sister]

Kidnapping
==========

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've
kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home
to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and
sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The
Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Caught The Husband
==================

"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you
caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.

"Let's see. I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to
take her back to the institution she escaped from."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Unusual Shopping Trip
========================

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout
counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but
we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a
cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the
management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for
your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up the cat
and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again
the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because
sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought
in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she
brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old
lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The
little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the
box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That
smells like ****." The little old lady said, "It is!. Now can
I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

------------------------------------------------------------


and now for the best of the best.............

Stupid Blone Jokes
==================

[PG]





This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....


(scroll down)...








FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything
and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can
do.
Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove
that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells
the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste.
I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to
himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What
you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith
to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits
it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,"
says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor
along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I
can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches
his head and mumbles to himself a little
and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar
number 43..."

[asklepios]

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China.
They decided to become American citizens and "Americanize" thier names.

Bu called himself "Buck".

Chu called himself "Chuck".

Fu decided to return to China.