Jokes.

[dirtydog]

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

[Wiggo's-sister]

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and
head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the
corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear
collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the
mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the
other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was
the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging
at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping
services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me
and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out
of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud
right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I
am about to receive..."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He
watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and
followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver
pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The
farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" The driver
asked.

"Nope."

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is
from here?"

"Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very
much, do you?" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

[Wiggo's-sister]

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife
had been cheating on him.

He shouts at her, " I will play second fiddle to no
one!"

She replies, "Second fiddle? You are lucky you are
still in the band!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly
ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks,
and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind
the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off her clothes and lay down on the
floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Donna," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This
is a stick-up, not an office party!"

[Wiggo]

<center>Tough Mice</center>

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and f#%k the cat."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

10. Sag! You're it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...



.




1. Hide and go pee!

[Wiggo's-sister]

Q: Why do they call PMS PMS?

A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

[Wiggo]

<center>LITTLE JOHNNY PHILOSOPHY</center>

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 3 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 2, but I like your way of thinking.

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having icecream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of icecream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the icecream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,...but I like your way of thinking.
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>MATH CLASS</center>

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the f#%king difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Kay]

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

[Kay]

Work Rules of 1852

Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

[Kay]

Bush Has a Short One

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?



A last name.

[Kay]

Gimmie an "R"

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.''
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

[Kay]

Cloak & Dagger

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. And then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. So now he was completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous. Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head Scientist.
"I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"