Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A husband and wife were shopping when the
wife said, "Sweetheart, it's my mother's
birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for
her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are
discussing all aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for
a house-sharing situation with three other
single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself,
since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

[Wiggo's-sister]

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early,
went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in
bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

There are two sides to every divorce - yours and ****head's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50
for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

[Wiggo]

<center>State of Origin Fan</center>

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NSW State of Origin fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are QLD State of Origin fans too. Not really knowing what a QLD State of Origin fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Janet has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a QLD State of Origin fan," she answers.
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a NSW State of Origin fan" boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Janet why she is a NSW State of Origin fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mum are NSW State of Origin fans, so I'm a NSW State of Origin fan too" she responds.
"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a QLD State of Origin fan".
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>World Cup Fever!!</center>

A man had great tickets for the World Cup final Brazil V's Senegal.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the world cup final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

The little boy was caught swearing by
his teacher.

"Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that
kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained,
"I don't want to hear that language in here
again."

After a moment, she thought she whispered
aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it
means."

"I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the
car won't start."

[Wiggo's-sister]

This Irishman is looking to buy a saw to cut
down some trees in his backyard. He goes to
a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot
of models, but why don't you save yourself
a lot of time and aggravation and get the
top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will
cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one
day."

So, the Irishman takes the chainsaw home and
begins working on the trees. After cutting
for several hours and only cutting two cords,
he decides to quit. He thinks there is
something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can
I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the
Irishman asks himself. "I will begin first
thing in the morning and cut all day," the
Irishman tells himself.

So, the next morning the Irishman gets up at
4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and
cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.

The Irishman is convinced this is a bad saw.
"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred
cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer," the
Irishman says to himself.

The very next day the Irishman brings the
saw back to the dealer and explains the
problem. The dealer, baffled by the
Irishman's claim, removes the chainsaw from
the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks
fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to
which the Irishman responds, "What's that
noise?

[Wiggo's-sister]

The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do
all the things around the house that he used
to do. When the examination was complete, he
said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in
plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,
"You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the
medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Morris wakes up in the morning.

He has a massive hangover and can't remember
anything he did last night. He picks up his
bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He
notices there's something in one of the pockets
and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody
hell what happened last night??"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty
in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks
"what happened last night, what have I done?
Must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a
look in the mirror. He notices a little string
hanging out of his mouth and his only thought
is "Please, if there's a God, please let this
be a teabag."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $17,000."

"What did he have?"

"Oh... About $17,000."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, whose name was
John. He would call out, "Here, John," and then bridle his horse.

One day while going through this routine he said, "Here, John," and,
to his surprise, the horse turned around and spoke. He said, "All
these days you have walked in here and said, "Here, John," and I'm
tired of it!"

And with that, the horse named John took off running! Shocked, the
owner took off running after the horse trying to catch it, and so did
his dog. After awhile the man became tired and stopped to rest at the
side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as
his dog, also breathless, sat down beside him. The man wondered aloud,

"I ain't never heard a horse talk before!" "Me neither!" said the
dog, gasping for air.

[Wiggo's-sister]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on
the meaning of the word "service."
The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service,
Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations...

And I became confused about the word "service."

This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one
of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a
few of his cows.

SHAZAM!!

It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are
doing to us...

[Wiggo's-sister]

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty
girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling
pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had
just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they
were speaking German."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty
to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door
of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,
refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender
comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is
clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the
police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?