Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Tonsils
=======

A little boy was going into the hospital to have his tonsils removed.
His mother told the doctor to circumcise him while he was in there.
He told all his friends he would be back in school very soon. When he
returned they asked, "How do you feel?" He said, "Let me tell you,
your tonsils are not where they say they are......."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Death and Taxes
===============

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die
you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to
do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on
the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

[Dlab'sDaughter]

lol good one:D

[Wiggo]

<center>Mexican Bandit</center>

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Five Surgeons</center>

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

Obstetrics and Gynecology
=========================

A new young MD was starting his residency in
Obstetrics and Gynecology. He was somewhat embarrassed
performing pelvic exams and had unconsciously formed a
habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.

The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him.

He snapped "just what is so funny?"

She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were
whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Chair Beat
==========

The CIA had an opening for
an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Vase
====

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead
happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying
me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You
don't like getting flowers?'

The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he
always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I
just don't feel like spending the next three days on
my back with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?

[Wiggo's-sister]

Making Of The World
===================

When the Creator was making the world, He called man aside and bestowed
upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! "Only 20 years!"
he complained. But the Creator didn't budge. That was all He would grant
him.

Then He called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20
years," said the monkey, "10 is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "Can't I
have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.

Then the Creator called the lion and gave him 20 years. The lion said he
desired only 10 years. Again, man asked, "Can't I have the other 10
years?" "Of course," roared the lion.

Then came the donkey. He, too, was given 20 years and like the others said
10 years was all he needed. Man asked again for the spare 10 years and
again
received them.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of
monkeying
around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making an ass of
himself.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Rubbers
=======

A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers
"Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant "We've
got Red ones, Blue ones, Green ones, Orange ones, Yellow ones,
+ a few other different colours"

"I'll try the lot" said the young man adventurously.
Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather
sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses.

The same assistant served them asking "What bust, madam?"

"The blue one" The young man said sadly

[Wiggo's-sister]

Bush and leaves
===============

There was a koala bear, who was approached by a prostitute one day.
He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, the
koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time.

The next morning, he went down on her, one last time before departing.
After he was done, the koala headed for the door and was about to
leave when the prostitute yelled, "Hey! What about my money?"

Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging
his shoulders, and replied, "Huh?"

"Come here....." she said, and pulled a dictionary out of her purse.
She pointed to the word 'prostitute' and its definition, 'has sex
and gets paid.'

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to
the word koala and showed her its definition, 'eats bush and leaves.'

[Wiggo's-sister]

The After Life
===============

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other of the after life. The
woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and
true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have
breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have
sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon - supper-then sex till late at night, sleep
-then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Aging Mildred
=============

Aging Mildred was a 75-year-old woman who was getting more and more
despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the local hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Jokes
=====

Want to hear a dirty joke? Jimmy fell in the mud

Want to hear a clean joke? Jimmy took a bath with bubbles in it

Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Diving
======

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no
scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20
feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The
diver went below 25 feet, and minutes
later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able
to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver
had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"