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  • LMAO.....will change to the other one I have up my sleeve. :D

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    • :D That's not bad either.

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      • When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate
        wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs.
        O'Leary called the undertaker aside for
        a private little talk.

        "Please be sure to fasten his toupee to
        his head very securely. No one but I knew
        he was bald," she confided, "and he'd
        never rest in peace if anyone found out
        at this point. Our friends from the old
        country are sure to hold his hands and
        touch his head before they're through
        paying their last respects."

        "Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted
        the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that
        toupee will never come off."

        Sure enough, the day of the wake the old
        timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite
        a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly
        in place. At the end of the day a delighted
        Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an
        extra thousand dollars for handling the
        matter so professionally.

        "Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your
        money," protested the undertaker.
        "After all...what's a few nails?"

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        • 1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
          Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

          2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
          Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

          3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
          Woman: "No thanks. There's already one ******* in there."

          4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
          Woman: "No, thank you."
          Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

          5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
          Woman: "It's in the phone book."
          Man: "But I don't know your name."
          Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

          6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
          Woman: "Female impersonator.

          7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
          Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"

          8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with
          "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and
          said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

          9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances
          at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at
          him, "What are you looking at?"
          His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking.
          Man, was he was mistaken!"

          10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

          11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the
          same reason!"
          Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

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          • Those were perfect for me to take to work. Post some more like that please.

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            • Yes, more please! :devil:
              Cameron "Mr.Tweak" Wilmot
              Managing Director
              Tweak Town Pty Ltd

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              • A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
                embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her
                last bit of clothing, she blushed.

                "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said.

                "I guess I let myself go."

                The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss.
                You don't look that bad."

                "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

                The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and
                said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

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                • After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an
                  enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

                  Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in
                  the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many
                  products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and
                  paper items.

                  "Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

                  "Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"

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                  • Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
                    little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
                    NAIVE

                    Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
                    peeing section in a swimming pool?

                    OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
                    the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
                    make the Tennessee Titans ?

                    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
                    one enjoys it?

                    There are three religious truths:
                    1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
                    2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
                    Christian faith.
                    3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
                    Hooters


                    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
                    times, does he become disoriented?

                    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
                    Holland called Holes?

                    3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

                    4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

                    5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

                    6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

                    7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
                    your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

                    8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

                    9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
                    stale bread to begin with?

                    10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

                    11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
                    person who drives a race car not called a racist?

                    12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

                    13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

                    14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

                    15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
                    language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

                    16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
                    follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
                    cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
                    cleaners depressed?

                    17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

                    18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

                    19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
                    men?

                    20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
                    whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
                    they're cramming for their final exam.

                    21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
                    little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
                    use? Toothpicks?

                    22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
                    What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
                    put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
                    for them while they deliver the mail?

                    23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
                    exactly are the others here for?

                    24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

                    25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
                    winning.

                    26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
                    zigzag?

                    27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
                    door went nuts.

                    28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

                    29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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                    • A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son.

                      She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
                      After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the
                      road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

                      Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

                      As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

                      Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't
                      catch the other cars!"

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                      • One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he
                        used to work when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came
                        in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight
                        with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the
                        house for a while.

                        They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned
                        over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about
                        six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."

                        Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he
                        said, "kiss me on the lips."

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                        • Elmer, the farmer, went into town to retrieve his monthly
                          supplies. The clerk noticed Elmer was displaying a sad face and
                          asked what was wrong.

                          Elmer stated that his wife, Clara, was wearing him out as she was
                          a nymphomaniac and that he was worn out trying to satisfy her.

                          The Clerk said "Why don't you put a shotgun on your tractor and
                          when you are way out on the back of the farm you can give a blast
                          in the air to signal to her that you are ready for sex."

                          This would require her to run all the way to him to get serviced
                          and she would have to return all the way back to the farmhouse.
                          In this way it might lessen some of her demands. Elmer agreed
                          that it was a good idea and would give it a try

                          The following month Elmer returned for more supplies with the
                          same sad look on his face. The clerk inquired what was wrong.

                          Elmer responded, "Didn't you hear? Clara died unexpectedly."

                          The clerk said that he hadn't heard and asked what happened.

                          Elmer said, "Well, You remember that suggestion that you gave
                          me?"

                          The clerk said "Yes."

                          "Well, It was a good one and worked just fine the first week.
                          Then pheasant season came along and she ran herself to death."

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                          • If you want it bad enough ...

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                            • Time flies whether or not you're having fun.

                              Plastic surgery: the work-out routine for the rich.

                              Skydivers are good to the last drop.

                              We can learn a lot from people who keep their mouth shut.

                              Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

                              If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

                              If it's the thought that counts, think money.

                              Being an atheist isn't too bad until someone dies.

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                              • Watching her mother as she tried on her new
                                fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom,
                                do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered
                                so you could have that?"

                                The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie,
                                how dare you talk about your father like that!"

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