Jokes.

[Wiggo]

<center>An Afghani In The US</center

Ahmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, **** in de bucket, piss on de ****, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shat in the bucket, pissed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[dirtydog]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

:shoot2: :shoot3:

[Wiggo]

<center>Two Old Ladies</center>

Two old ladies, Mollie and Sadie, were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park.

He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing his 'thing'.

Mollie immediately had a stroke.

Sadie, the other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Sisters of St Francis</center>

A man driving down a deserted stretch of highway notices a sign out of the corner of his eye:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

He begins to realise that these signs are real. He then drives past a third sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a plate. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the plate, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE..........

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

Gone Fishing
============

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has
just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the
opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my
fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home
in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk
pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle
box!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Baseball Fanatics
=================

Pat and Mike are two 75 year old baseball fanatics. In fact, they go
to just about every Cubs home game. One day, Mike was in a rather
philosophical mood and asked Pat if he thought baseball is played in
heaven. Pat replied, "I don't know, but someday we may find out.

"Sad to say, the next day Pat died.

Several months later, as Mike was reading the sports section in the
newspaper at his kitchen table, the ghost of Pat appears to Mike.

Mike asks, "Is that you, Pat?""It's me all right."Mike then asks Pat,
"I gotta know - is baseball played in heaven?

"Pat replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news regarding that
question.

"Mike says, "Tell me the good news

"Pat says, "The good news is yes, baseball is played in heaven.

"Mike then says, "Now tell me the bad news.

"Pat says, "The bad news is you are the starting pitcher on my team
tomorrow."

[Wiggo]

<center>James Bond's New Watch</center>

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks "Is your date running late?"
"No" he replies "Q's just given me this state of the art watch and I was just testing it"

The intrigued woman says "A state of the art watch? What's so special about it"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically"

The lady says "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says "Damn thing's an hour fast"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Kheldar]

I'm the 3000th person to view these jokes

:devil:

[Wiggo's-sister]

It seems to be a popular place in here ;)

[Wiggo]

Now I wonder why. :?:

[Wiggo's-sister]

Circle Flies
============

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for
speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the
farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw
his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle
flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -
"Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of
circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common
on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "
Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to
even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and
goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."

[Wiggo's-sister]

IRS
===

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first
assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll
have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,
"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from
the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the
candle factory, and every once in a while they send us
a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from
your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the
matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they
send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins
from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send
them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send
us a little prick like you."

[Wiggo]

<center>The Pious Man and The Athiest</center>

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

^^ that one gets the thumbs up...lol

[Wiggo]

<center>Reminiscing</center>

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
<center>:cheers:</center>