Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy
night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people
waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming
about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first; or you could
take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect
dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may
actually use it sometime for an interview situation.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman
of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

[Kay]

Double Entendres Out The Wazoo

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

[Wiggo]

<center>Purple Death</center>

The following is a description of a New Zealand wine taken straight from the bottle word for word. (Anyone who has tried it will know that it is a mild description).

PURPLE DEATH (that is really the name)

An unusual 'Rough-as-Guts' aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of horse-**** and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savour the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished jock straps strained through an old miner's sock. The maturing in small pigs' bladders gives it a very definite nose.

Marketed under the Saviour Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim 'Je-e-esus Chri-ist').

Caution: Keep away from 'naked flames' (both old and new).

BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST - JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Stages of Drunkenness</center>

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>The "Dear. John" Letter</center>

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

There was a blonde driving down the centre of the road at 100 mph. A
police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had
stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do
this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a
license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an
ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special
consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this??
It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Entering a barber shop for a shave, a man mentions to the barber that he
has had some problems getting a close shave on his cheeks. "I have just
the thing," the barber told him. He fished around in a nearby drawer and
handed the man a small wooden ball. "Just place this between your cheek
and gum."

The man put the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeded to give him the
closest shave he had ever received. Halfway through the experience, the
man grunted to the barber, "But what if I swallow the ball?"

"Don't worry about it," the barber replied. "Just bring it back to me
tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few
years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can
breed their own stock.

The one sister balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy
the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her
to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send
her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out
here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable'?"

The sister explains, "She'll read it very slow."

[Wiggo's-sister]

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,
all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree
full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
nothing but *******s.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park
when her dog was mounted from behind by a large
Rottweiler. The Rottweiler was really humping away and
the lady was frantically trying to break them up, but to
no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the
Rottweiler's butt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy explained, "That's my dog. He can dish it
out, but he can't take it!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon
could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one
in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him,
thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes
to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his
surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether
it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a
thing!

[Wiggo's-sister]

"If you're close enough to read this, you can see I look
like a **** too."

"Anthrax is coming out of my exhaust."

"I've seen Thelma and Louise 431 times."

"LOST: Nodding dog. If found please call 555 45754."

"My other car is a.. I buy bumper stickers, do you really think
I'm the type of person to have two cars."

"Honk if you love The Golden Girls"

"Most bumper stickers seem to actually be in the back window."

"I am good fun, really. I just have to use a sticker to convey
my wit and charm."

"Honk if you're looking for a good time. Bachelor parties a
specialty."

"Support the Society Against Adhesives."

"I'm legally blind."

"Don't bother honking, I'm deaf too."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you
your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A young man was taking a verbal test to join
the local police force.

The question asked, "If you were driving a
police car, alone on a lonely road at night,
and were being chased by a gang of criminals
driving sixty miles an hour, what would you
do?"

The young man answered without a second's
thought: "Seventy!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the
infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her
arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for
repairs, but said that she would figure the
infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby
together on the adult scale, then weighing the
mother alone and subtracting the second amount
from the first.

"It won't work," explained the blonde. "I'm not
the mother, I'm the aunt."