Jokes.

[Wedge]

Whats black and sits in the corner?

A baby with it's finger in the power socket.

[Wedge]

How do you stop a baby spinning on a clothes lineat 300 miles an hour?

with a cricket bat

[Wedge]

Whats better than a baby in a bucket?

the same baby in two buckets

[Anonymous]

Sayings that should be on Buttons
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
30. You look like ****. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. So, will that be for here or to go?

[Kheldar]

that one above is mine - I changed my profile and it changed all my cookies

btw the cat one is for u albinus

[Wiggo's-sister]

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one
day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted
was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today
is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,
your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts
praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through
the night and realises that the night isn't over, so he
prays another hour before he falls asleep again.

He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom,
Mom, get in here fast!"

His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"

The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed
and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke
up this morning and I'm still blind!"

And his mom says....... "I know, - April Fools!!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he
wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But
we don't know anything about each other." He said,
"That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
go along." So she consented, and they were married,
and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he
got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter
board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this
followed by a three rotations in jackknife
position, where he straightened out and cut the water
like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and
laid down on the towel. She said,"That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves
as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing
laps.

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid
down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said,
"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked
both sides of the canal... "

[Wiggo's-sister]

Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed
way and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
but she can't touch it she's 14.
-
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky
hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta
leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go
ahead."
-
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
-
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they
want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
-
What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
Documentaries.
-
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia:
If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been
called a teethbrush.
-
A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75
and says to the driver,"Got any I.D.?" and the driver
replies "Bout wut?"
-
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas S
A man was out walking one day and went by a
retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw
nine old ladies, basking in the sun in lounge chairs.
When he looked closer, he realized that they were all
stark naked.

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the
director answered the door, the man asked if he
realized there were nine naked old ladies laying
in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes," and went on to explain that
the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at
the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Mr. Perkins, the anatomy instructor at a posh suburban girls's college,
said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the
human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times
its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is
a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that, she sat down red faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Summers and asked the same
question.

Miss Summers, with composure, replied. "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."

"Correct," said Mr, Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to
say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirt
mind...and Three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets
office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the
other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are
you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old.
I don't see or hear very well. I've been having
accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and
sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately.
I've been especially high strung.
I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at
people and I even bit one of the neighbour's kids.
Nobody knows why this has been happening.
My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so
he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is
here. The Great Dane responds: "My owner is this
beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around
the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up
something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when
nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of
her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so your owner brought you here to be
put to sleep?"
The Great Dane says: "No, I'm just here to get my nails
trimmed."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Lack Of IQ
===========

Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper
during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress
who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for
his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll
never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

[Wiggo]

<center>Painting Lines</center>

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Wedding Night</center>

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before.

So he calls up his dad and asks him, "What do I do first?"

His dad says, "Take her clothes off and put her in bed. "

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's naked and in bed what do I do now?"

His dad says, "Take your clothes off and get in bed."

He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her what do I do now?"

His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "Look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"

The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Babies</center>

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father-- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

<center>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</center>

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive at any time. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."

Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the doorbell...

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs. Smith: "Please don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and I."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know it! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time, darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?...Mrs. Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Bern]

AHahahahahahahahaha.....good one Wiggo!


[Edit--->Copy]heh,heh