Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.

----

"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world
-- there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."

----

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note
under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 imes.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll
lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

----

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

----

Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped
by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson
was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".

----

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

[Wiggo]

<center>EXPOSURE</center>

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Kay]

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on ehre," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

[dirtydog]

A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


:bounce: :bounce2:

[Wiggo's-sister]

Signs You've Got a Bad Pilot

10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Carlos, What's this gizmo do?"
9. For the past three hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 50 feet"
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, "YIPPEEDEEDOODAH!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Antlanta, Let's go find that Mars observer!"
4. He's wearing a Taco Bell uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Sexy Star Wars

Top 10 Sexually Suggestive Lines In Star Wars: New Hope

10. 'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
9. 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
8. 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
7. 'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
6. 'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
5. 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
4. 'Sorry about the mess...'
3. 'Look at the size of that thing!'
2. 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
1. 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid

[Wiggo's-sister]

Ten Things Men Know About Women

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10. They have boobs.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Top 10 Pick Up Lines

Top 10 Worst Pick-UP Lines:

10. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

9. You know you remind me of a baseball, 'cause I wanna hit it.

8. Can I get some fries to go with that shake?

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's have sex.

6. As of today, I'm rash-free.

5. If I were a squirrel and you were a tree, could I bust a nut inyour hole?

4. Do you wash your clothes in Windex? (Reply: "No, why?") Because I can see myself in your pants.

3. Hi, my name is (insert name here). Remember that, since you'll be screaming it tonight.

2. How do you like your eggs in the morning? Sunny side up, scrambled or fertilized?

1. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the cash?

[Wiggo's-sister]

Top 10 Stupid Questions Without Answers.

10. What do chickens think we taste like?
9. What do people in China call their good plates?
8. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man
7. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
6. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
5. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
4. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
3. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
2. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Wiggo's-sister]

Top Ten Reasons Beer Is Better Than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Treat With Care

Here are the ten dumbest things a guy could possibly do with his nuts!

Reason #10: Give the hardest ballkicker twenty dollars
Reason #9: Lie on his back on the floor and piss on them
Reason #8: Pour hot wax on them
Reason #7: Accept a handjob for your balls
Reason #6: Squeeze until you hear a pop
Reason #5: Whack them with your other boy
Reason #4: Sit on the floor and practice your dribbling
Reason #3: Dunk them in anything
Reason #2: Wrap them in tape
Reason #1: Draw eyes on them

[Albinus]

Ten Things Men Know About Women

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10. They have boobs.

I like that one - very much

[Wiggo's-sister]

when I started looking at it, I thought it would refer to the map of Tasmania actually :D

[Albinus]

Well it was a good joke - I actually did LOL :laugh:

[Wiggo's-sister]

okies, off to find some more, just to make u laugh again :D