Jokes.

[Wiggo]

<center>Bats</center>

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Bern]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?

They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.

So, who needs people?

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

That one on the left is kinda cute...

[Bern]

Sixteen Important Things To Know

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

[Bern]

Take a LONG hard look at this picture.
It takes about 1-1/2 minutes to find, but you will see it.

http://www.tekzone.net/whatswrong/whatswrong.swf

[Bern]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Here's the true story.

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling by foot through Switzerland. Nightfall was approaching, and the man had no where to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. So the man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter (you knew this was coming, right?) came downstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow just traveling through," said the farmer.

"He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

"Um, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

She went to the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. An hour later she returned. Her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair.

She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She didn't return for over an hour, and when she did, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm and walked toward the mountain.

A while later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She went to her father and said "Where's the man from the barn?"

Father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good-bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran into the yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter."

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,.......

ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO...

And that's the true origin of yodeling -- honest.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

One day there was a guy who was driving to a nearby town. He was in a hurry, so he took a back road to get there faster, when all of a sudden his car broke down. A nearby farmer saw him stranded so he invited him to stay the night. He said, "The only bed I have that you can sleep in is with my daughter, but if I catch you fooling around with her I'll shoot you". "To make sure that you don't I'm going to put some eggs between both of you and if they are broken in the morning then you are going to die".
So the guy agreed. In the middle of the night the girl wanted to get it on so they did. In the middle of the skirmish they broke all of the eggs. The guy didn't want to get shot so he cleaned up the mess and glued the egg shells back together.

In the morning the farmer came into his daughter's room and found that all of the eggs were still intact. The farmer was so happy that he invited the guy to have breakfast with him. So he gathered up all of the eggs and took them to the kitchen. He cracked the first one open and nothing was inside it. He cracked the second one and still nothing and so on.

When he found out that all of them had nothing in them he grabbed his shotgun and ran outside. He opened the chicken shed door and yelled out "ALLRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU ROOSTERS HAS BEEN USING CONDOMS?!?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.
The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish. The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also fulfilled. The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well." The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!

[Wiggo's-sister]

Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover' or 'Spot' I made the mistake of calling mine 'Sex'.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one too!' Then I said, 'But this is for a dog.' He said, 'I don't care what she looks like.' Then I said, 'You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old.' He said, 'You must have been quite a kid.'

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, 'You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me too.'

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, 'I've come for my dog.' She said, 'Which one, Spot or Rover?' I said, 'What about Sex?' She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages and the operator came up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.' He said, 'What's your point, so did I.' I said, 'But my wife wants to take Sex away.' He said, 'That's what happens in a divorce.'

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, 'What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?' I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up on Friday.
I hope u liked it!

[Wiggo's-sister]

3 lessons

Lesson #1
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high...

Lesson #2

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson #3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ******* will do...

[Wiggo's-sister]

Eggs Marriage

Two eggs decide to get married. Along comes the big day and everything goes to plan.

But they are both very nervous about the honeymoon night so the female egg decides to dress up in a skimpy little negligee to help them get excited.

The husband comes along and sees his wife dressed like this and all off a sudden runs into the bathroom and locks the door.

The wife is very shocked by his behavior but being inexperienced at this she thinks it's normal. After about 10 minutes the husband egg is still in the bathroom and the wife is starting to get impatient so she knocks on the door.

"Honey, Is everything o.k.?"

"Yeah, Yeah. I'll be out in a few minutes."

So, she goes back to the bed and waits. But after a half an hour she is really pissed cos he's still in the bathroom, so she goes up and knocks on the door.

"If you don't come out of the bathroom now, I'm going to divorce you, I swear!"

With this the door opens and out comes the husband egg wearing a crash helmet! The wife egg thinks this is very strange so asks him why he's wearing it.

"Well, the last time I got this hard, some ******* hit me over the head with a spoon!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Three Men

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passangers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

[Mr.Tweak]

This is more true than a joke...

When a guy talks dirty to a girl its sexual harassment, when a girl talks dirty to a guy its $4.95 a minute!

[Wiggo's-sister]

Don't Argue With Children
=========================

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

[Wiggo's-sister]

First Day At School
===================

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited
in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he
realised that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be
excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to
be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to
where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find
it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on
his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and
says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his
reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"