Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided
to break up with him.
"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor,"
Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never seem to say
anything funny."

Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled
and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm sure you'll make
some guy very happy some day," she smiled and blushed a little,
"then, he'll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget
to close the door on his way out."

[Wiggo's-sister]

You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you
were doing. You said you were moving!

- - -

A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm
sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"

- - -

Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've
been doing wrong.

- - -

Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?
A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.

- - -

"Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"

- - -

A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front
of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud, "Who would buy all this expensive Evian water
anyway?"

The woman says, "Evian... It's naive spelled backwards."

[Wiggo]

<center>FINAL EXAM</center>

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

<center>:cheers:</center>

[Kay]

A blonde is speaking to his psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my
clients are complaining that they can
never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in
your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive,
so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox
in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any
letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm
driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

[Kay]

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have. the Brunette says "I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex." The Redhead replied "I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex." Then the Blond says hesterically " Oh my God, I am going to have puppies."

[Kay]

Once there was a blonde who got DARNED sick and tired of those jokes mocking blondes for a low I.Q.

She therefore resolved to prove that blonds could be as smart as anyone else. She spent several weeks studiously peering at a map...

The next time some one attempted to tell a Blonde Joke, she riposted "Well, I'm a blonde and I'm NOT stupid! I'll have you know I've memorized the Capitals of every state in the union!"

"So what's the capital of Vermont?" inquired a sceptic.

The blonde giggled: "That's easy! 'V' ........"

[Kay]

A blonde woman is driving along a country road, out in rolling hills of the Midwest, when she sees some movement off in the distance. As she gets closer, she realizes that it is another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing the boat like crazy.

She stops her car at the side of the road and gets out. She yells out to the blonde in the rowboat, "What the &$%# are you doing?" The blonde in the boat, obviously flustered, yells back, "I have got to hurry up and get home in time for dinner or I will be in real trouble!"

The blonde at the side of the road is aggravated. "I can't believe this! You are out in the middle of a field in a row boat! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name!

In fact, if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your butt!"

[Kay]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. -I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a
few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and
drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs.....
"Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

[Kay]

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just

have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have
any money.... and I *must* get a message to her, it's urgent!...
I'll do anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?" "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the
blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her
to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..."
She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well.
She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well...
go ahead.. do it.."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?.... Mom?"

[Wiggo]

<center>THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!</center>

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

One day little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200.00 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? We can't afford it, wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around and Johnny asked his dad again. His father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. Sorry, we can't afford it. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, Johnny was walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father said, "Why are you leaving?" Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too." "DAMN me if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Angela falls into a deep state of depression after losing her husband of three years. So her brother introduces her to a young man named James and convinces the two to go out. They hit it off, and after a week of dating, they decide to take a weekend vacation together. The first night, they check into a hotel and get ready for bed. Angela strips down to a pair of black mesh panties, and James gets totally buck naked.

"What's with the panties?" he asks.

" You may suck on my tities," she says, "but the rest belongs to my late husband until I'm done mourning."

So James plays with Angies **** until they both fall asleep. The next night it's the same scenario--Angela in black mesh panties and James completely buck naked. This time, however, James has an erection, and he's wearing a black condom.

"What's that?" asks Angela. Says James,"I'm going to offer my condolences."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Windows 2000 Error Messages

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

[Wiggo]

NOT BLONDE, but . . . When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
<center>:cheers:</center>