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When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
************************************************** **********************
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim
to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one
of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The
chef's claim was approved.
************************************************** **********************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
************************************************** **********************
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the
20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo
had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a
nearby
bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were
very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered
for 3 days.
************************************************** **********************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious
head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,
the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
************************************************** **********************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked
him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters
swollen
abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is
pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor
that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having
sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't
you
Paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's
just
that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three
wise men came.
And I was hoping that they would show up again.
************************************************** *****************
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
the
twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a
foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to appologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist. "Please allow me to help, I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me", she told him
earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied
breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put
her hand inside.
After a short massage, she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he
replied,
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over
the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't
realise
that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first
day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years"
:rolleyes2
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
************************************************** **********************
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim
to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one
of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The
chef's claim was approved.
************************************************** **********************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
************************************************** **********************
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the
20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo
had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a
nearby
bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were
very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered
for 3 days.
************************************************** **********************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious
head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,
the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
************************************************** **********************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked
him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters
swollen
abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is
pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor
that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having
sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't
you
Paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's
just
that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three
wise men came.
And I was hoping that they would show up again.
************************************************** *****************
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
the
twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a
foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to appologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist. "Please allow me to help, I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me", she told him
earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied
breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put
her hand inside.
After a short massage, she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he
replied,
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over
the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't
realise
that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first
day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years"
:rolleyes2
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