Jokes.

[amd_man2005]

i know it does not go into jokes but i didn't understand where else to put it in. it is really freaky. do try it out

That reminds me of this

Take both arms, stick them out in the air in front of you and try spiinning each in opposite directions, its nearly impossible, They say only those with great hand/eye cordination can do it

[belveder]

Best Friends


After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

[belveder]

Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

[asklepios]

FROM THE DESK OF
Rapunzel

Dear Prince:

Use ladder tonight --
you're splitting my ends.

[belveder]

Eating Bananas


Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

[belveder]

This is very serious, so read it carefully. Several new viruses have been
discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware
of...
1. THE ALGORE Virus....(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
2. THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
4. THE LEWINSKY Virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails
everyone about what it did)
5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus....(Quits after two bytes)
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly
expands to restabilize around 200mb)
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus...(Deletes all old files)
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)
10. THE PROZAC Virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care)
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus...(Only attacks minor files)
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but it will
be back)
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows)

[asklepios]

3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

i wdn't mind having one of those.
searches for all those crap floppy disks :rofl:

[belveder]

Blackboard

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone
handwritten the word '*****' in tiny small letters. She turned around,
scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly
erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and
she saw, in larger letters, the word '*****' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she
proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found
the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the
previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same
word on the board, but instead, found the words,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

[XBoy]

Heheheh that's a good one :laugh:

[The__tweaker]

:laugh:

[Wiggo's-sister]

Limp Parrot
===========

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary Clinic. As she laid her
pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry,
but Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning in a
few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on
in surprise, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked
at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with
a cat.

The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back,
shook it's head, meowed, and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most
definitely, 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal,
hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY
DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is
dead?!"

The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have
been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it's
$150.00."

[belveder]

Natchitoches


Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

[asklepios]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her licence. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses". The woman answered, "Well I have contacts".
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

[belveder]

What Do You Sell?

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw
a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole
behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and
returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the
lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady ....
well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his
breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[belveder]

Painfull Averies


Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.

"Don't you mean ovaries ?" the doc says.

"No" she says.

"We had better have a look" says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says "You're right, It looks like there's been a ****atoo up there"