Jokes.

[asklepios]

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking; someday you'll say something intelligent!

14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.

21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

[dryadsoul]

u r 1006 and i m 1015. how come u r ahead of me? :?:

mex muse mme.......removes foot from mouth, excuse me while i snack on this size 11 C Clarks sandal..............talk to ya again in say...........3 maybe 4 hours :barf: :shh: :rofl:

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a
lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every
morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it
was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that
nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until
a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through the gate.
Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is
stealing with that newspaper. So he romoved the paper only to find
nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangley, so he
questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra mponey from newspapers I recycle, so I go
into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown
away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on
him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the
wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard
would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work
only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report
to the supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and
before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anythin from this
plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole
anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you count for the
fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

One day three men were walking along and came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea
of how to do it. The first man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD,
give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave him big arms
and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two
hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD,
give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave
him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an
hour.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so
he also prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength,
ability and intelligence to cross this river." And, poof! GOD turned
him into a woman.

She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

[asklepios]

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you", she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to keep these blinds?"

[dryadsoul]

THE VIBRATOR

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herslf a real workout with
a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever come to a husband! Please, go away and leave us alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the her room. Upon entering he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm 35 years old , unmarried, and this thing is as close as i'll ever come to a husband! Please, go away and leave us alone."

A couple of days later , the wife returned from shopping only to hear that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered the area to find her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator lying next to him and buzzung like crazy.

The wife asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
Her husband replied with a grin, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law!":devil win

[dirtydog]

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
>
>Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.
>
>They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, remove his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.
>
>When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange looking
>animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Every one felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog.
>
>When the cages were opened up, the dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.
>
>Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund, but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.
>
>There was nothing left of the entire dog. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
>
>"That's nothing." said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog." God Bless American Ingenuity !!!! :thumb:

[dirtydog]

Q. What do dirty old men buy Vaseline for?




















A. 79 cents, same as the rest of us...

[dirtydog]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????




























A. He heard the ref. was blowing fowls....

[dirtydog]

The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he told them.

To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why, you've even named your daughter Candy."

The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."

[Fieldgenerator]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa ....
half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile deltas.

Between 23 and 30 a woman is like America ....
well developed and open to trade, especially for
high financed investors.

Between 31 and 45 a woman is like India...
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 46 and 55 a woman is like France ....
gently aging but sensual, with an appreciation for
the finer things.

Between 56 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia ....
lost the war, haunted by past mistakes, and in need
of massive reconstruction.

Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia ....
wide and unpatrolled borders, with a frigid climate
that keeps people away.

Between 70 and 80, a woman is like Mongolia ....
a long, glorious and all-conquering past, but not
much of a future.

From 80 on, a woman is like Afghanistan.....
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go
there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 80 a man is like Iraq.......
Ruled by a dick

[dirtydog]

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
... F-16 . B-52 ... F-18 ... A-10 ... F-117 .............bingo!

What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.


Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? .........
You only have to teach them to take off.

Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program? ..........
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? .........
Two days.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? ........
They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job? ..........
Foreign ambassador.

What is Iraq's national bird? ..........
Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? ............
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats? ........
So they can see their air force.

ATTENTION: All K-Mart and Wal-Mart stores in Iraq will be closing by March 17th ................. after that they will all become TARGETS!

:rofl:

[asklepios]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 80 a man is like Iraq.......
Ruled by a dick

and rest of the time a man is like World (minus) US...with non-functional balls...isn't it? :rofl:

[Wiggo's-sister]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one
and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the
races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day
the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S
ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The
paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun
in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN
HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 This was too
much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[dryadsoul]

Sister Mary Margaret and Bishop Malloy had become so friendly that they spent the night together, but in the haste to make morning prayer they dressed just a bit hurriedly.

After morning prayers sister Silvia ask Mary Margaret " And just how is the Bishop this day."

Sister Mary Margaret replied "And why would I be Knowing that!"

To which the Sister responded, as she looked down, "No reason, just asking."

At breakfast Sister Mary Margaret got the same reaction from 4 more Sisters and begain to worry. So, she rushed to the rectory
to see Bishop Malloy.

Answering her knock the bishop looked down and asked the Sister if she could kindly return his socks and slippers.