Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

You got the machine, you know the routine At the tone, you're
on your own.


Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.


"Suicide Hotline...please hold."


A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.


Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll
talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message
and it'll give it to me when I return.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the
phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread,
unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and
number after the beep and he will return your call.


I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you
have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy.
Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some
old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.


(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I
can't hear you! What?
Oh.. we're not home, leave a message."


Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I
should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.


Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us

[Kay]

World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villian I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world...

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

[Kay]

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

[Wiggo's-sister]

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is
wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and
am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most
sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an
outfit.

"This is $200," she says. "

"I want one more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.

"He says "I'll take it"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her and says "Go put this on
and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so
see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."

So she comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So how do you
like it?" she says.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing!"

[ArborBarber]

What do they call a drunken Irish woman?
EILEEN.
What do they call a drunken Japanese woman?
IRENE.

Two older men were talking about viagra when a younger man overhears the conversation and tells them, "I had an uncle who almost died from taking viagra!" One of the older men asks,"Really, what happened?" The young man replies, "Well the pills are rather large and he almost choked to death trying to swallow one." The older man replies," Is your uncle ok?" The young man replies, " Oh yes, he's fine...he's just got a bit of a stiff neck!"

[Wiggo]

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its
intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach,
California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder:
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.

**********

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat-cutting machine, and, after a little hopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, suspecting negligence,
sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

**********

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear
a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned
with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

**********

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,
a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20
mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


Damn I like that one...

**********
An American teenager was in the hospital
yesterday recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries,
the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

**********
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and
asked him to give her daughter an examination
to determine the cause of her swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say
"Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued
with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl
and would never compromise her reputation by
having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened,
a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came.
And I was hoping that they would show up again."

[Wiggo]

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been Kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"





To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very Sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message
to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards
the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did.
"Now go ahead ... take It out ...." he said. She reached in
and grabbed It with both hands ... then paused. The man closed
his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to It and while holding
it close to her lips, tentatively said...........

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?".

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man went to church one day and afterward,
he stopped to shake the priest's hand.

MAN: "Father, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned fine!"

PRIEST: "Thank you sir, but I'd rather
you didn't use that kind of language in the
Lord's House."

MAN: "I was so damned impressed
with that sermon I put five thousand dollars
in the offering plate!"

PRIEST: "No ****!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer
looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is
unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales representative has a highly
visible position, and we're afraid that your constant
winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....
we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom,
he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is
a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees
womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a
sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the
party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over
again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if
you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone
here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"

[E^vol]

LMAO !!!

[E^vol]

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin
for a man to see a naked woman who is not
his wife. So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern
time all Canadian women are asked to walk
out of their house completely naked to help weed
out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended
for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are
to position themselves in lawn chairs in front
of their house to prove they are not Taliban,
demonstrate that they think it's okay to see
nude women other than their wife and to show
support for all Canadian women. And since the
Taliban also does not approve of alcohol,
a cold six- pack at your side is further proof
of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts
to root out terrorists and applauds your participation
in this anti-terrorist activity.

[Wiggo's-sister]

LOL, just a thought happening here.....what if she's that ugly that you just can't look at her naked body, will they consider you to be a member of the Taliban :?: