Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got
me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the
night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts,
gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying
to change you."

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
enough for me."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Truck driver is barreling down the freeway and sees a sign that
warns of a low bridge ahead. Before he realizes it he is upon the
bridge and becomes firmly stuck under it. Cars back up for miles.
Finally a local police cars arrives. The cop gets out and with
hands on hips surveys the situation. "Got stuck, huh" he says to
the truck driver. The truck driver looks at the cop and with a
straight face says, "Naw, I was delivering the bridge and ran out
of gas."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big
shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy,
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be
jailed for contempt!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me se x. That makes
everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and
I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A housewife was having several couples over for dinner
that night, so she wanted to cook something special. She
slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece.
Salmon mousse.

Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling
away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked
so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she
smoothed it over and served it anyway.

Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds.
Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen
and looked out the window.

There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to
confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the
cat and now the cat was dead.

The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their
stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any
because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the
passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could
befall her guests.

Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said,
"I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her
over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner
party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and
"cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says

"I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever.

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as
the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,

"How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the
Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden
Retriever and the Lab and says,

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[Wiggo]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's *****?
A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits fothe world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the

screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling

your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the *****es off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their *****es?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their

decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only

one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to

satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".

[Wiggo's-sister]

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a
90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's
house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered...

"I thought he was dead!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

My Grandmother, to my knowledge, never drank liquor in her life, at
least on purpose. She was a very gentle and proper lady, a pillar
of her church and the community.

In those days door to door salesmen were welcomed, out in the
country and none more so than the Watkin's Man. He was almost
regarded as a guest and was frequently invited to eat a meal when
he visited with his wares.

He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift
when he left, such as a thimble or pot holder. One of his products
was an elixir for general health and nervous conditions. With two
of her sons in the service, during WW-2, she was worried and
depressed, so she bought a big bottle of this elixir and took it as
directed. Lo and behold she did feel happier, as a matter of fact
she got downright giddy when she took it. So much so that my Mom
read the fine print on the bottle to discover that the stuff was
40% achohol. Alarmed, she told my grampa, who grinned and said
"Now let's just keep this between you and me honey, I'm enjoying
your mother's happy times.".

[Kay]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that
on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to
laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be
able to enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so
she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so
she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step,
she started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."

[E^vol]

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want !"

[Bern]

At the creation of woman, Gabriel ask The Lord "How many nerve endings shall I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.
"Of course. We wanted Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we?
Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.
"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman
sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so
gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline
does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said,
"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked
himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the
**** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh,
Air Canada".