Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered
to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver,
getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
looking at him.

"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He
ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his
arms franticly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to
glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?"
the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the
man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn
thing about cars."

[Mr. C]

Duct tape is like "The Force", it has a dark side and a light side and they hold the universe together.

[stormybaka]

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

[Kay]

Being a man definitely has its perks...

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

- -

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

- -

Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

- -

Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

- -

Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
like, but can you describe it?

- -

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

- -

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

- -

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

- -

Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many
"bad" meals do you have?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

- -

Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.

- -

Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

- -

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time, is that correct?
Witness: No! He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy!

- -

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

- -

Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

- -

Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

- -

Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.

- -

Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the accident?

- -

Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

- -

Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?

- -

Lawyer: Then what happened?
Witness: He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?

[Wiggo's-sister]

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own

He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again
he doesn't know the meaning of most words

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works

I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to
that of thousands of others

He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt
you one day.

I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count
that high.

I would have like to insult you, but the sad truth is that you
wouldn't understand me.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid..

I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the
way of your ignorance.

She has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like
this guy just gargled.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and
kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting
pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed them in.

Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after
us with flashlights...."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A very posh lady was walking around an art gallery when she
stopped by one particular exhibit.
"I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call
modern art?" she asked very pompously.
"No, ma'am," replied the assistant, "it's what we call a mirror."

[Kay]

[Wiggo's-sister]

"Well, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give
him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for
time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what
it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your
last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news." The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to
pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to
Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to
fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests." I have a forty percent
interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into
something that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like
to use you for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little." Last week two patients almost bit off their
tongues.

"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks
to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new
beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong.
Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

[Kay]

Medical Miracles

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

[Kay]

Same words...........diff meanings :kay:


The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce .

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[jaani]

Sorry if this has already been mentioned:

"There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary, and those that don't."

heh. Funny in a derogitary kind of way.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If
she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on
the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said,"you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just
give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40
and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am,"
replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to
make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman
below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the
balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't
know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no
idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your
problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."