Jokes.

[StormyWeather]

The Ladies Comode!!
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[StormyWeather]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."


"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.



Husband #2 was in software services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function,
but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.



Husband #3 was from field services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn't get the system up.



Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though
he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.



Husband #5 was an engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design
a new state-of-the-art method.



Husband #6 was from finance and administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.



Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product,
he was never sure how to position it.



Husband #8 was a psychologist;
all he ever did was talk about it.



Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.



Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...
God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
painting that were on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner
replied.

"The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if
it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he
bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful," exclaimed the
artist, "What could be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[Wiggo's-sister]

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his
parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement,
adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll
never find it here at home, so I'm leaving.
Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father
rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you
to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.
"If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he
said, "I don't know what to get my wife for
her birthday. She has everything. Besides,
she can afford to buy anything she wants so
I'm stumped."

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't
you make up a certificate saying she can
have 60 minutes of great s3x any way she
wants it? She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy says, "Well, did
you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," replies the fellow.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed
me on the forehead, and ran out the door
yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"

[Wiggo's-sister]

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult
task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them
from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't
speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first
day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French
worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep
farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up
and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep
fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and
indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening
they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked
his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there
weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going
to have French fries, and he ran like hell!!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before
school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She
told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding
nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something
printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her
shirt.

On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the
confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building
supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses
for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a
far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I
can get the lumber."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband
sighs and says, "I'm disappointed. It was all over in four
minutes!"

The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it
makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."

[Kay]

Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[Wiggo's-sister]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He
called his kids together to ask which one should have the
present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to
mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the
toy."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I
see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the
father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

[Wiggo's-sister]

With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of
our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone
watching TV.

I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow
hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of
them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me
climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she
stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman sends her clothes out to a Chinese laundry. When
they comes back, there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that
says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same
note to the laundry.
Finally, fed up, the Chinaman responds with his own note that
said, "Use more paper on ass!"