Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

It makes one giggle for sure.

[drpeterbright]

Software Features You Wish Real Life Had!

Five minutes ago you were travelling to work at 70 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are travelling to the hospital at double the speed in an ambulance....
You wish there was an undo in life!
You just get a salary raise...
You wish there was redo in life!
You are already late, and your key is missing...
You wish there was a find tool in life!
You are ticketed for speeding...
You wish there was delete file in life!
The room is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end...
You wish there was zoom & 'view full screen' in life!
After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch...
You wish there was an evaluation period or at least a sample down load or a demo version!
One day you realize that your are turning bald...
You wish there was cut and paste in life!

[drpeterbright]

The AOL Car

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
Once in a while, AOL cars stop and say, "you've got Nails".
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

[drpeterbright]

Outback Computer Terms

Log on - Make the stove hotter
Log off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keep an-eye on that stove
Download - Getting the firewood off the stove
Screen - What to shut during the mosquito season
Byte - What the mosquitos do
Bit - What the mosquitos did
Mega Byte - What the Townsville mosquitos do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - The plastic knives and forks they give you at the Red Rooster
Hardware - The real stainless steel cutlery
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What a spider makes
Web site - The shed or under the verandah
Upgrade - Steep hill
Server - The person at the hotel who brings the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the hotel who brings the counter lunch
Sound Card - The one that wins the hand of 500
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing stuff
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When a fish manoeuvres out of reach
Online - When you get the laundry hung out on the washing line
Off line - When the clothes pegs let go and the washing falls on the ground

[drpeterbright]

Viruses you NEVER want your computer to get:


OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 500MB hard drive DESKTOP suddenly shrinks to Notebook computer size, then slowly begins expanding back to a desktop unit.
MCI VIRUS: Every four minutes it autodials all your friends and relatives and pesters them to switch, and gives them YOUR name, as reference.

PRO CHOICE VIRUS: Overwrites all files, in every State but remains personally opposed to it's own behaviour. Destroys all files from 1 day to 9 months even if the only reason is sector selection. It won't encourage you to consult your mother (board), and demands more and more funding.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Draws attention to itself by showing high resolution graphics on the monitor, then quits, restarts and self destructs.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: The so-called terminator virus will come and go, leaving the message that "it will be back". Only defense against this virus is through it's female adapter, but then you run the risk of the dreaded Kennedy Viruses.

CLINTON VIRUS: Makes your system do the opposite of what it prompts. Can only be removed when you hold it under white-water. Tries to remove itself by turning your printer into a shredder. If it prompts you for the Clinton-defense-virus, DON'T BELIEVE IT.

Use your virus scanner & don't let any of these Viruses happen to your PC!

[drpeterbright]

President Clinton, as part of his goal to increase technical awareness and interest in the sciences, asked the various major computer companies to cooperate in a large Multimedia publishing project. The general theme was "Elephants".


The piece from Apple was titled: "User Friendly Elephants and Their Friend, the Mouse".
IBM's: "How to Sell an Elephant to Someone Who Wants a Racehorse".

Novell's: "Connecting Elephants".

Borland's: "All Elephants Should Cost $99".

NeXT's: "Painting an Elephant Black".

Microsoft's: "Why You Should Buy Microsoft Windows".

Netscape's: "Old Elephant never dies."

Intel's: "Elephant Inside"

[drpeterbright]

A lady walks in a computer store one day with a box of 5 1/2 inch disks, says "I bought these disks and they seem to be defective."

"So", says the salesman, "what type of computer do you have?"

"An Apple," says she.

So fine, he says, and takes her over to a IIe...

"Oh, not this one," she said, "I own one of those!" And points to a Mac.

(at this point the salesman, as you do, saw where this was going, and refused to believe it.)

"Well," says the salesman "these are 5 1/2 inch disks, they won't won't fit in one of those..."

"Oh, I made them fit." Says the woman.

Needless to say, she had taken a pair of scissors..

[drpeterbright]

This is a true story as it happened to my mother a few (maybe 20) years ago while she worked for a Sears in western Pa.

An elderly man phoned into the service department where my mother worked to complain that the new TV that he just bought was broken. When my mother asked for a description of the problem, the man said, "It quits."

A repairman was sent to the home where he found the TV was working just fine. He ran the usual diagnostics on it, and it tested fine, so the serviceman left, telling the man to call back in if it happens again.

The very next day the man called in saying that the TV just quits, and it isn't fixed soon he will return it. This time the Service Manager (ta-dah)was sent out to see if he could locate the problem.

After testing the TV and finding it in perfect working order, the service manager began asking the man a few questions. "Does it blow any fuses? Do you own a Ham radio? Does this happen at any particular time?"

To that last question the man replied, "Yes. Around two o'clock each morning - it plays the national anthem and quits!"

[drpeterbright]

Client/Server System is Like Teenage Sex Because ....


It's on everyones mind all the time.
Everybody talks about it all the time.
Everybody thinks everybody else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are:
doing it poorly.
Sure it will be better next time.
Not practicing it safely.
Everyone's bragging about their successes, though few have actually had any.

[drpeterbright]

Why is the company known as "Intel"?
'Cause they're only half as INTELigent as they thought they were and Pentium implies that
Practically
Everyone
Now
Thinks
It's
Useless for
Math

[drpeterbright]

The famous joke that made it to CNN:

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new online service, "we will make the sacraments available online for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution even reduce your time in Purgatory all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60 foot screen as comedian Don Novello in character as Father Guido Sarducci hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

[drpeterbright]

A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company. That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties systems. While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming call, which he took after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back on the phone, laughing like a crazy person. This is the call he took:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

NOTE: It happens that "4X" is also a popular brand of Aussie beer.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without
hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work
as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick
the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer
could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never
report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer...


MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had
occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he
received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699
instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the
part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with
a letter containing just five words:
"MORRIS TURN THE BOX OVER."

[Kay]

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows... both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...