Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a
Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in
the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and
order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their
plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The
startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A cucumber.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

- -

Pain.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,

"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,

"Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
diagnosis,
"You have a broken finger."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Bandaged.

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The
boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh!
I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your
other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Plumber.

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and
handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as
a doctor!"

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."


- -

Play doctor.

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play
doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance
company"

- -

Shingles.

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had.
He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him
to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told
him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives
and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me
out for a jar of olives!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an
emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within
their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right onit,"said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in
diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those
stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a
favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each
one!"

[izzfizz]

lol good one ws :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Albinus]

Why oh why did God lump me with two half brothers with no sense of humour when Wiggo got a joke-telling sister? :?:

I want a sister like that :cry:

[Wiggo's-sister]

Ohhhh, I'll be your sister if you want me to be, Al :D
Come here and I'll give you a sisterly hug :bounce2:

[Albinus]

I gave my cat a hug..... now I feel better : peace2:

[Kay]

Pick-up lines heard round the world and what you could say back to
them

I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

May I see you pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter. or Stop.

I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?

Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

[Wiggo]

<center>Old Sex.</center>

An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned
against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we
can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each
other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to
the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old
man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the
fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's
yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he
didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and
wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he
was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'
As the couple pass, he says to them "That was something else, you
must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you
manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there
some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

<center>:cheers:</center>

[dirtydog]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ***** into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
Bill said, 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ***** into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh Bill, you didn't,' she said.
'Yes, I did,' said Bill.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, she got fired too.'




:flames:

[dirtydog]

Jane was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the stunningly attractive gentleman who was reading on the sunbed beside hers.


"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"


"Yes, I do," he responded, and then returned to his book.


Jane persisted. "Do you like gardening?"


The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.


Undaunted, Jane asked. "Do you like *****cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Jane, pumping her as she'd never been pumped before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jane dragged herself back to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?!!"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

:flames: :frog: :devil win

[dirtydog]

A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday.

The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."

The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father.

The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.

On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!"

The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."

The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right."

At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the *****.

All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the ***** while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.

"What the **** are you doing son?" yells the father.

"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.