Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He
promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"

"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the
conversation proceeded:

"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley
replied:

"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of
kin!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...
Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'"
She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it:
"B.I.T.C.H."
What exactly is a *****?!? they ask in unison.
"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "*****"
SMILE... and say "Thank You!!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main
treatments was that the nurses would take the male
patients home and sleep with them. But there
was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home.
He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his *****
the word SHORTY.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes
him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work
the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she
could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a
guy with SHORTY written on his *****.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused,
it says, SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."

"Wow!" they say.

"ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," Valerie continues. "ALL BAKING
DONE ON PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR
SPECIALTY."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Wonder why women get their period every month?

This is how it started...a long, long time ago when Adam
and Eve were on Earth, everything was fine until the day
she took a bite of the apple. God got furious and
screamed "you will pay this with blood." Adam
said, "please God, don't kill her." Gad said "no, I won't
kill her, she's going to make monthly payments."

[Wiggo's-sister]

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee,
And I can justify any,
shopping spree
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I don't lose my hair,I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a *****.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!

[Kay]

Like that last one Sis

[Wiggo's-sister]

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back.

"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet
table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them
I'm filling up the plate for you!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

At a church one day, the nuns are lining up to go into confession. The
first one goes up to the priest and says: "Bless me father, for I have
seen a man's *****".

The priest agrees that this is a sin, but tells her to splash her eyes
with the holy water, and all will be forgiven.

The next nun comes up and says: "I have sinned as well father... I've
touched a man's *****"

The priest says that this too can be forgiven, and that she should wash
her hands with the holy water.

The priest then looks over at the next two nuns in line, and sees them
fighting to see who will go next.

He gets up and asks them why they are fighting. The fourth nun replies.
"Well, there's no way that I'm drinking that holy water after she sat in
it".

[Wiggo's-sister]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking."

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets
closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading
a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is
she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night
and nothing is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir..."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch, smiles and says:

"She'll be 18 in 20 minutes..."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few ****tails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and
she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[Wiggo's-sister]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking
beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at
this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an
orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them
say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say
that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say,
"Look! He's moving!" "

[Wiggo's-sister]

At a big ****tail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed
another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures
at her husband.

It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it
off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and
screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he
doesn't INSTALL them!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with
the dilemma of which to marry.

As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went
for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She
returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most
beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new
stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these
things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her
original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to
multiply, and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I
have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future
together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then
gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the
biggest boobs.

[Wiggo's-sister]

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."