Jokes.

[Kay]

A Horoscope For The Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

[Kay]

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[Kay]

Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[Wiggo]

<center>BEAUTIFUL</center>

One day, during lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,and he said,
'Beautiful,...just f#%king beautiful!'"
<center>:cheers:</center>

[dirtydog]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end
up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed
with sweet cuddly teddybears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
:thumb:

[Bern]

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his ***** are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his *****, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his ***** pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful statement on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

[dirtydog]

One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

[Kay]

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)


And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then
asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast
in her hand," What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Congrats dear, that's the best one I've seen for awhile.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender
delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The
bartender replies,
"They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown
paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Wiggo's-sister]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill
each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week"

My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to
cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and
eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONS - "Will you "look" at the dirt on
the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that
spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept
through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I
saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your
father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get
home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age, you
will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids ...and I
hope they turn out just like you!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of
his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for
two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple
was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was
newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The
retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said
it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The
newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of
PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She
dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head
and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "
We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her
level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and
fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby
over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet sweet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really gives a thit...

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a
quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of
the cashier. He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on
the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections
said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n hell."