Jokes.

[Wiggo]

<center>A Beer</center>

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Area 51</center>

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Kay]

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your ***** is under your pillow!"

[Kay]

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.

[Kay]

MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

[Kay]

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife.

He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job.
He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His
friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a
100% successful. He says, "Hire a big strong black man to stands
near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you
are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an
orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain.

He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his
friend suggested that they switch places. "Why don't you wave the
towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend.

He agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife.
He hires the same guy again and this time they trade positions.
Naturally, the woman has a divine orgasm.

The husband leans over to the black guy and says, "You see!!
That's how you wave the towel!"



Blonde maybe

:?:

[Kay]

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

[Kay]

To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat. . . . . . 15 times
Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were f**king the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!

[Wiggo's-sister]

The Stork
=========

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his
parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the
stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get
born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the
parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy
Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the
teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the
fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my
family for three generations."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Loopholes
=========

A criminal lawyer, Robinson was notorious for finding the little
loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult
circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was
accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out
of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some
brilliant footwork on Robinson's part.

The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge
who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for
Robinson's arrest.

"Why on Earth do you want him arrested?" asked the judge. "He
got you off, didn't he?"

"Yeah," conceded Milliken, "but when I didn't have enough money
to pay his fee, the son-of-a-***** drove off in that car I
stole!"

[Wiggo]

A Job Interview

A young blonde polish woman walks in for a job interview, but the fellow
doing the interviews tells her he doesn't have time today. He says, "Since
this is an inconvience for you, I'll ask you to come back in 3 days for
another interview, and in the meantime I will tell you what I am going to
ask you so you can have good answers."
The man tells her, "The three questions I will ask are: How many days of
the week begin with the letter "T"? Secondly, how many seconds are there in
a year? And lastly how many "D's "are there in RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED
REINDEER?" After telling her this, the man wanted to know if there were
any questions. The woman replied "No."

3 days later the woman returns and is ready for her interview, which goes
like this:
Man: "How many days of the week begin with the letter "T"?"
Woman "Two."
Man: "Good, what are they?"
Woman "Today and Tomorrow."
Man: "Good answer, not quite what quite what I had in mind, but O.K."

Man " How many seconds in a year?"
Woman " Twelve."
Man: "How did you come up with this answer?"
Woman "Simple, Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, Mar 2nd..........."

Man: " Alright how many "D's" are there in RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER?"
Woman "2365"
Man: "How did you ever arrive at that figure?"
Woman "Simple (starts humming dee dee dee to the tune"
:cheers:

[Kheldar]

Moustache
=========

An Eskimo has his snowmobile breakdown while riding
past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair
shop and is told to come back in about an hour.

When he come back, the mechanic say "It looks like
you have blown a seal"

The Eskimo says "No, that's just a little frost on my
moustache."

why did the walrus go the bearing shop


for a tight seal

[Kheldar]

what do u call a lesbian hippo




lickalotpuss

[Kheldar]

what do u call 100 armed lesbians


militia ethridge

[Wiggo's-sister]

what do u call a lesbian hippo




lickalotpuss

roflmao, I like that one