Jokes.

[asklepios]

that is some real funny s*^t :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[dryadsoul]

Dual Exhaust

Thanx for that one Christine, i've gotten more mileage out of that joke since 20 minutes after ya posted till now than i've gotten out of any joke i've heard the last 15 years............and it doubled everybody who heard it ROFLTFAO; and even had a few that wanted to either hear it again or have me write it down so's they
could share it .................hate to say it but that beat the hell out of "Dopey screwed a penguin" & it's a classic.........so, just keep 'em comin' girl, Please!!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :cheers:

[minibubba]

Dual Exhaust
============

:rofl: :laugh: ...that's good. not many of the jokes around here make me laugh out loud

[belveder]

Staying Out Late

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the
butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like
she's sound asleep!"

[belveder]

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

[Wiggo's-sister]

dryadsoul & Minibubba I have to admit I laughed for awhile after reading it too.

No Toilet Paper
===============

A guy is in a public toilet, but soon discovers
there is no toilet paper on the roll. He calls into
the next booth, "Do you have any tissue paper in
there?"

"No," comes the reply.

"Do you have any newspaper?"

"Sorry!"

"Ummm, do you have two fives for a ten?"

5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
===================================

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is extremely important that these four men don't know each other.

[belveder]

Texas Lawyer

A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which
requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even
have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.

The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After
quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is in the living room kissing the
mailman!

Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is
this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from
his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman.

She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your
adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces
her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of
two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes.
The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks "did you kill them?".

"Yes!", she replies.

"What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool."

(A Long Pause)

"Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?"

[belveder]

She's Having an Affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[belveder]

Payday Party


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys
and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by
his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to
him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down
just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his
left eye.

[johnerz]

This one goes on a bit!


The Perfect Day - For Her
8.15: Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8.30: Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.

8.45: Breakfast in bed - freshly squeezed orange juice
and croissants; open presents - expensive
jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

9.15: Soothing hot bath with frangipanibath oil.

10.00: Light work-out at club with handsome funny
personal trainer.

10.30: Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition,
blow-dry.

12.00: Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor
cafe.

12.45: Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and
notice she has gained 7kg.

1.00: Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3.00: Nap.

4.00: 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist - 'From
Secret Admirer'.

4.15: Light work-out at club, followed by massage by
strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to
work on such a perfect
body.

5.30: Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe,
parade before full-length mirror.

7.30: Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing,
with compliments received from other diners/dancers.

10.00: Hot shower, alone.

10.45: Carried to bed - freshly-ironed, crisp, new,
white linen sheets.

11.00: Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11.15: Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.




The Perfect Day - For Him


6.00: Alarm.

6.15: Blow-job.

6.30: Massive satisfying dump while reading the
sports
section.

7.00: Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and
toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench.

7.30: Limo arrives.

7.45: Several whiskeys en-route to airport.

9.15: Flight in personal Lear Jet.

9.30: Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club - blow-job
en-route.

9.45: Play front nine - 2 under.

11.45: Lunch - pie, chips and gravy and 5 pints of
lager.

12.15: Blow-job.

12.30: Play back nine - 4 under.

2.15: Limo back to the airport - several whiskeys.

2.30: Fly to Monte Carlo.

3.30: Late afternoon fishing excursion with all nude
female crew.

4.30: Land world-record Marlin.

5.00: Fly home, massage and hand-job by naked Elle
McPherson.

5.45: Nap.

6.45: ****, shower and shave.

7.00: Watch news, marijuana and hard-core porn
legalised.

7.30: Dinner - lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon
(1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice-cream
served on a pair of
****.

9.00: Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of
wall-sized TV while watching England beat Germany
11-0 in World Cup
final.

11.00: Sex with 3 women - all with lesbian
tendencies.

11.30: Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks
and
a cleansing lager.

12.15: Nightcap blow-job.

12.30: In bed alone.

12.35: Let out 12 second fart which changes note 4
times and forces the dog to leave the room.

[Wiggo's-sister]

I Need A Drink
==============

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands
and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What Women Want In A Man
========================

What Women Want in a Man.
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
================================================== =======
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
==============================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
==============================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
==============================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
==============================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[The__tweaker]

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

:eek: Oh man I sometimes miss the toilet and I'm only 25.. :rofl:

[Wiggo's-sister]

*eeewwwwwwwwwwww....glad I don't have to clean your loo*


Never Felt Better
=================

An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded
his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the
buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a
speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense
called the local sheriff as a witness.

The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say
when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt
better.'"

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the
farmer, "Did you really say that?"

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really
say, you 'never felt better?'"

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the
sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly
injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot
the dog.

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt
bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I
felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"

[belveder]

Harley Davidson Motorcycle

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

"1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

"2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

"3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

"4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

"5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

[E^vol]

Awesome !