Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring
yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled
our differences, we agreed on which 100 of
the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to
get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3
years and have earned my right to the 50
cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im,
but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only
let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may
not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, soI simply
MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up
in the middle of the pasture
with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had
ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained
the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I
really felt I was doing all my cows justice,
anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay
on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM.
I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing
the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of your cows and live to tell about
it."

Third Bull: "Sh1t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he
knows I'M a bull!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the
blonde lady driver. 'Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over
the road'?

The woman replied, 'Oh officer, thank goodness youre here. I almost had an
accident ! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I
swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me !'

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied . 'Maam ...thats your air freshener.'

[Wiggo's-sister]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God,
she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two
months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even
nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[Kay]

These are cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."

"You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."

"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."

[G Smith]

[G Smith]

I think many of us can relate to this...

It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus. Even the
most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee can't take care of it. So be
warned, it appears to affect especially those of you who were born before 1958!

Symptoms of Senile Virus

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

[TwizlZone]

This Blonde Goes to the doctor
As the blonde points to her arm, She says to the doctor
" Doctor I hurt here"
and then points to her tummy " and I hurt here"
and then points to her leg says "and doctor I hurt here too"
She looks at the docter and asks him
" doctor whats wrong with me???"
The doctor simply points out and says
"your finger is broken"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking
space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the
Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will
park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many
hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his
house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes
back to the lot to get his car.

When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by
some other car. He is, well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on
the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get
involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual
vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats
have been slashed over this.

One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty,
he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real
well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze
solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a
car-sized Popsicle.

The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours
until spring!

[Wiggo's-sister]

The rules at a particular university were such that if the
professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were
free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that
"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.
As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophis- ticated
construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one
were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the
clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target
practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular
professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered
him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo,
15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You
have 1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from
around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When
he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed
the class and collected the exam papers.

[Kay]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have ever attempted to organize a Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too well...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Kay]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Kay]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

[Wiggo's-sister]

Sign in the Army Recruiting Office:
Marry a veteran, girls.
He can cook, make beds, sew, is in perfect health;
And is already used to taking orders.

[Kay]

Advances in science have lead to new medicines that make the lives of women around the world a little better...

Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Antitalksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamat
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging at him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Hello?

Mama, Mama,I'm in a terrible state.

Darling, bubeleh, what is it?

Oh Mama, we're all snowed in, the car won't start, the children have the
measles, I've got a cold, the house is a mess, I've got no milk and, worst
of all, I've got 20 women from the shul coming over for dinner. Oh Mama,
Mama, what am I going to do?

Don't worry, sweetheart. Mama will sort it all out. I'll get the train and
2 buses and will walk the 2 miles from the bus stop to your house. On the
way I'll buy some milk and food for tonight. I'll put the children to bed,
clean up the house and make a nice meal for your friends. Don't
worry....everything will be allright .

Oh, Mama, thank you, thank you. But what about Dad? What will he do?

Dad? What dad? Your father's been dead for 2 years.

Is this 993-0997?

No this is 933-0997!

Oh no! Does that mean you're not coming?