Jokes.

[Moose]

A boy gets a phonecall from his girlfriend
"come over and meet my parents, if all goes well, i think you'll be in for a treat later"
the boy thinks "alright, finally i get to have sex with her"
on the way to the parents house he goes to the chemist to get some condoms. The pharmisist is quite nice as he knows the boy is nervous. "how many condoms do you want young man? They come in single, four packs and 12 packs". "oh" says the boys, i'll be wanting heaps, the 12 pack will do me." "nice looker then is she" the pharmisist says. "too right" says the boy, "i plan to do every orofice in her at least twice". Anyway, the boy gets his condoms and rocks up to the house, they all sit down to dinner and the boy volunteers to say grace, he bows his head and starts his prayers, 10 min later his head is still bowed praying. Finally his girlfriend interupts him to say "i didnt know you were this religious", To which he replies "and i didnt know your father was a ****ing pharmisist!"

:laugh: :laugh:

[Wiggo's-sister]

2 lawyers are stuck on a desert island for 10 years when a naked woman
floats up on the beach. She's unconcious and stark naked, and one of the
lawyers eyes light up and he says to the other lawyer, hey I've been stuck
here 10 years with you and now we have a naked woman, do you think we
should screw her? The other lawyer replies "Out of what?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to
her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the
world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her
down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks
away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the
roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his
way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is
she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money
on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[Kay]

Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

[Kay]

[Wiggo's-sister]

Monday:
We are now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to
cook for Dan. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said "beat 12
eggs separately". The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls

Tuesday:
Dan wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said "serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Dan brought a friend
home for dinner.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. Recipe said "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Dan asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said "prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which
is what led up to Dan asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said "put all ingredients in bowl
and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When
I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Dan did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Dan keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Dan's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out like hamburger, much to
my disappointment.

Goodnight, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Dan. If we could just get
a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch
more venom than usual.

"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always
be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in
second."

"Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

"Because you're an idiot!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some *******'s got my pen."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was
fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the
farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a
deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound,
the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they
landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not
making a sound. You are a brave man.""Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I
gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Q - What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you.
A - Run shes got the grenade!

Q - What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A - Pull the pin and throw it back

[Kay]

Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

[Kay]

Answering machine message 182



Hello you have reached the Smith residence. All of our operators are busy. Your call will be processed in the order it was received. (Annoying music...) Due to a large volume of calls, all of our operators are bu... (Ringing phone.) Hello, we're sorry were not home right now, so please leave your message after the beep.

[Kay]

Dealing with a lawyer


A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[Kay]

Pick Heaven or Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

[Kay]

Ultra dumb people 02
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"