Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are
discussing the possible merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill, which
comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead
to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too
many problems.

The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm
with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with
my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came
into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran
for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each
of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called
about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that
in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in
the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

[Wiggo's-sister]

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one
drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal
attention and much advice, but his performance
simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument
and doesn't improve when given help, they take
away the instrument, give him two sticks, and
make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion
section, "And if he can't handle even that, they
take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A little boy was sent to a Catholic school
by his folks. Of course, he had no idea of
who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on
the first day of school, he got punished
by the teacher for not knowing such basic
things.

Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed
him, and said, "Don't worry son. I'll sew
the answers to those questions on your collar,
and every time your teacher asks you a
question, all you have to do is to peek at
your collar."

And so she sewed the answers on her son's
collar.

The following day, the teacher came up to
him, and asked him, "Who is the Holy Virgin?"

The boy peeked at his collar and replied,
"Mary."

The teacher seemed a little bit surprised,
but continued on. "And who is her husband?"
After another peek at the collar, he replied,
"Joseph."

"Why, very good son," the teacher commented.

"And for the last one," said the teacher.
"Who is their son?"

The boy peeked again at his collar and
replied confidently, "NIKE!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman
intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed
to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so
she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them
ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom
over the public address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger
breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

[Wiggo's-sister]

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Received from: Anonymous Author
Readers' Rating: 47.83%

Total votes: 415



Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers
this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is
the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few
years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have a few sessions with my students. It helps them
get over shyness and experience a little public
speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed
entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in
pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they
catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug
it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to
the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her
sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell
you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made
him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a
seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video
camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts
going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her
back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh,
oh, oh!'" Now the kids' doing this hysterical
duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My father called the middle wife. She delivers
babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like
the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in
bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against
the wall.

"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she
kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew
up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The
kid with her little hands is miming water flowing
away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and
breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never
even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes
my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said
was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of
stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the
loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I
bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class
by regularly letting loud farts.
His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted
on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour,
Little Harley said, "I do it because I can do it better than
anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than
you, will you stop?"

Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces
of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust
on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down,
farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the
paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted
down and farted but when she was done, and there was
not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was
astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing and as she repeated the process,
Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've
got a Double-Barrel!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up
the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the
priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than
anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it
did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.

The priest again questioned him and again he said that
he did not take any of the offering. So the priest
said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him did you take any of the
offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".

Again the priest asked "Joe did you take any of the
offering?"

Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF
THE OFFERING"

Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so
he came out of the confessional and said "Joe trade
places with me and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places and Joe asked " I hear that you
and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

To which the priest answered "By Golly you can't hear
in here"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into
the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed
the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to,
you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink
when a beautiful female giraffe came in and
sat down at the end of the bar.

The mouse looked over at her and ordered her
a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her
and ordered her another drink. After a third
round, the bartender looked up and they were
leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar,
barely crawled up on the barstool and sat
there gasping for air. His whiskers were
bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches
of hair were falling out. The bartender took
one look and said, ...."How did it go last
night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex
I ever had."

The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing
and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

[Mr.Tweak]

Just heard this from someone here...

Q: What's the best form of birth control for over 50 year olds?

A: Nudity

[Wiggo's-sister]

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a
wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case,
the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his
appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome
Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it
back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible
compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, "
acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill,
replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to
the lawyer with a smile.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased
a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his
work shop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of
school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of
school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they
beat rhythmically on every trash can they past. Day after day, it
was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm
on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty
just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians.
As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on
the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having
a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express
themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your
age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The
kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash
cans.

After two days, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and
continued their afternoon concert. A couple of days later, Sly
Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down
the street.

With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from
that day forward he said "Look, my Social Security check just
isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to
be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay?"

"What?! Just a crummy quarter?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think
we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

After a long night of making love, the young
guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from
his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable
to find it, he asked the girl if she had one
at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of
a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the
guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered
guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor
for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you
called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac *******?"

"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"