Jokes.

[DaoWay]

Worth Saying



The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons

I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
- Sheckly Greene

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
- Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put
a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name!" - Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it. - Stephen Lea****

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
- Steve Bluestone

Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service
called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is. - Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in
business. - Shelley Berman

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's
like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers

Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. - George Gobel

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

"If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg

[DaoWay]

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients



1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the
true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
disability you may have experienced.

5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.

6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research
paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to
the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE
COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

[DaoWay]

A Penny-Pinching Mortician



Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the
mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at
the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the
circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be
wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the
black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less
expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had
always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a
blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued
outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy
for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found
her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm
very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much
did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check,
indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I
must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost
nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue
suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an
attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as
he looked nice...

So I switched the heads."

[DaoWay]

Alzheimers Disease
Alzheimer's Disease


The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

[meihui]

The Dutch Uncle

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

[meihui]

The Duck & Grapes

A duck walks into a convenient store and walks up the counter. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" "No," said the puzzled store clerk. The duck smiles and walks out the door. A little while later the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I already told you 15 minutes ago, I don't have any grapes!" The duck smiles and walks out. A little while later the duck returns and again asks "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yells, "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any, and were not going to have any. If you come back in here again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck smiles and walks out. Later the duck returns and asks the clerk "Got any nails?" The clerk says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[meihui]

The BlueJay

A BlueJay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he'd be able to get rid of the Jay with "the candidate must be bilingual!" The Jay replied "Meow!!"

[meihui]

I understand that a crow has one less pinion feather than a raven.
Therefore how do you tell a crow from a raven? It's a matter of opinion.

I duck walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick.
The clerk sez, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck sez, "Just put it on my bill!"

Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown.
The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words.

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chickens foot.

I took my bird to the vet because he was sick.
The vet said I have bad news and good news.
The bird has chirpees,the good news is that it is tweetable!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!

What does a 1,000 lb. canary say?
Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

What did the bird say as it was flying over K-Mart?
"Cheap - cheap - cheap"

What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower?
Shredded Tweet!

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't! You get down off a duck.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Waddle you want to know!

Did you ever notice that when ducks migrate in their Vee formation, one side of the line is longer than the other?
Know why that is?
There's more ducks in it.

Why did the road runner cross the road?
Because the coyote was chasing it

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he didn't like the side that he was on!

Do you know the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful means something is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.

How does a chicken mail a letter?
In a HEN-velope!

What is gray?
A melted penguin.

Why do birds fly south?
Because it is to far to walk!

What is a bird after he is five days old?
Six days old!

Why does a stork stand on one leg?
Because if he took the other leg off the ground he would fall on the ground!

What does a 5lb duck say??
quawquaw
What does a 10lb duck say??
QUAWQUAW!!!! QUAWQUAW!!!!

Why did the bird make it's nest on top of a car?
She knew they'd be moving!

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

What do you call a big swallow?
A gulp!
What do you call a small swallow?
A sip!

Why does a chicken coop have only 2 doors?
If it had 4 it would be a sedan...

What did the woodpecker say when it ran into a bar?
Ouch!

What is black and white and red all over?
A penguin with sunburn.

Why did the punk-rocker cross the road?
He had a chicken stapled to his head.

Why did it take the elephant so long to cross the road?
Because the chicken had trouble carrying him.

[meihui]

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From My Cat

Curiosty never killed anything, except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them!
Climb your way to the top! That's why the drapes are there!
If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over some very expensive antique lamps.
When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Make your mark on the world, or at least spray in each corner!
Find your place in the sun, especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry.
Always give generously - a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them "I care."
When you go out in the world, remember: That being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege!

[meihui]

Faster Than A Speeding Nun

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

[meihui]

RULES OF THE LAND!

1. The FEMALE always makes the Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at ANY time without prior notification.

3. No MALE can possibly know all the Rules.

4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules

5. The FEMALE is NEVER wrong.

6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the MALE must APOLOGIZE immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8.The FEMALE can change her mind at any point in time.

9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind without written consent from the FEMALE

10.The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11.The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.

12.The FEMALE must under NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13.Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm.

14.If the FEMALE has PMS all "Rules" are null and void

[meihui]

The Van Gogh Family Tree

His obnoxious brother.........................................Pl ease Gogh
His dizzy aunt.............................................. .......Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes................................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia..........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................................Chi ca Gogh
His magician uncle............................................. Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin............................................ .Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.......Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach...............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle..........................................Can t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...................................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle............................................F lamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking....................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew....................................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco....................................Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van.......Winnie Bay Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ..................Amee Gogh
Another cousin who lived in Mexico ..............Grin Gogh
Nephew that drove a stage coach..................Wells Far Gogh
Uncle who was constipated....................... Cant Gogh
One of the Beatles......................................Ring Gogh
His twin that was full of himself ..................... E. Gogh
His second self ....................................... Alter E. Gogh
The uncle who was addicted to gambling ................ Bing Gogh
The cousin who was a Spanish American drum player ..... Pepe BonGogh
Tycoon uncle who made it big in the freight business .. Car Gogh

[meihui]

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

In a long line of people waiting for a bank
teller, one guy suddenly started massaging
the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled,
"Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor
and I could see that you were tense, so I had to
massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see
me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[Wiggo's-sister]

An attractive female police officer pulled over a man for DUI. After
getting him safely out of the car and testing his sobriety, she said,
"Sir, I am placing you under arrest. Anything you say can and will be
held against you."

The drunk looked at her for a moment and said..............

"T i t s "