Worth Saying
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
- Sheckly Greene
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
- Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put
a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name!" - Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it. - Stephen Lea****
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
- Steve Bluestone
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service
called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is. - Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in
business. - Shelley Berman
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's
like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers
Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. - George Gobel
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
"If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
- Sheckly Greene
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
- Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put
a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name!" - Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it. - Stephen Lea****
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
- Steve Bluestone
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service
called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is. - Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in
business. - Shelley Berman
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's
like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers
Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. - George Gobel
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
"If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg
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