Jokes.

[DaoWay]

BAD KITTY!

This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write
on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds, [email protected]
First posting: September 20, 1993. Latest update: November 15, 1993.
NOTE: As of November 1, this list will be posted every two weeks (or so).

A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.

A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
a.m., bed at night, TV

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
speakers, wallpaper, window screen

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return,
the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table,
big people's shoes, bathtub

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or housekeys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, houseplant, human's
toes, baby, human

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza

10. [xxx] is not a bed/litter box.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people's wedding, piano strings, mommy's sock drawer.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer, the newspaper, Mummy, open milk cartons,
toilet paper, pantyhose, paper clips, human's toes, the produce ripening
on the kitchen counter, Q-tips.

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher.

From: [email protected] (John C. Stomieroski)
13. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc]
(if they can ever catch me, that is).
aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center
bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, houseplant, curios
ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, shot, punted, terrorized
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think
of these!

[DaoWay]

Tips On Building A Resume


Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for
dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get
you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus
bonus.

THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit.
Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that
might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards"
O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.

THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead!
Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails.
Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000
to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate
somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never
put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some
interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know
what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art
technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is
doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell
them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my
dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes
every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in
the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way
into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off
40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-
paying, dead-end, back-office position."

EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where
you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe
side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a
prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list
under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration,
Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear
Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."

EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience.
But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational
database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system...
Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience:
high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So
if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies.
Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience
you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food
Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-
code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for
graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much
Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-
availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that
one off as watching too much MTV.

THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-
close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation:
Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll
remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know
where you live."

[DaoWay]

Stages of an employee:

Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long
lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no
real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out
of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk
to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life
is great!

Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss
asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to
friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a
$25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on
occasion. Life is pretty good.

Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take
the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless
projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all
company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers.
Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise
and small promotion. Life is good.

Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats
lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of
work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will
not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company
perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is
consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives
all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends
entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally
immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front
of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is
stressful.

Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the
success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the
salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day.
Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to
give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off.
Life is hell.

Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to
continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always
works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the
day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life
starts to break down. Life is stressful.

Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords.
Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as
resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client.
Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets,
unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life
is OK.

Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings.
Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf
with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone
anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public
transportation. Life is good.

Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to
come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market
penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If
it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't
we have market penetration in Liberia?" Magically, it happens and
executive is called a visionary. Life is great!

[DaoWay]

Since You've Already Given Your Notice...


Twenty-Five fun things to do/ways to freak out your coworkers the last two
weekd of a jov you've already quite or been fired from:

BY KRISTY POWELL

25. Two words: whoopie cushion

24. Wear green lipstick and pinch everyone and tell them it's for "not
honoring St. Patty". If they correct you to tell you it's not St.
Patrick's day, whisper "Don't tell that to the leprechaun!" and
slither away.

23. Call your boss "Sport" and "Slugger" for your entire last week.

22. Constantly eat hamburger. On your last day, "accidentally" leave
hamburger meat on/in/near your desk.

21. Walk around quietly singing "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me,
guess I'll go eat worms"

20. Play dead.

19. Sign all your emails "Disgruntled,"

18. Don't wear deodorant. If people act like you smell (because you do),
tell them it's your new cologne "mordre" (French for "bite me").

17. Burn incense and if you're told it's against office policy to have
something burning inside, say in an evil voice as you can muster,
"Fine. YOU tell Buddha that!"

16. Send out very random one word emails to the whole staff like "banana"
or "pancreas" or "transvestite". Nothing else. Just the one word. Do
this about 3 times a day for a week, and if people tell you to stop,
tell them it must be a bug in your system.

17. If you have a "kitchen" in your office, write "die" on the counter in
blood. Just leave it there. Wear a prominent Band-Aid and look at
everyone with a glare.

16. Come to work in slippers.

15. Wear white pants and thong underwear, even if you are a guy.

14. If you're lucky enough to have a board meeting your last week, squirm
like you have to pee, but tell people it's those "pesky parasites"

13. . . .drink beer.

12. . . .wear a Burger King crown and sit with your eyes closed the entire
time. Even when you're talking, don't open your eyes, but make facial
expressions nonetheless.

11. . . .consistently hum one monotone note quietly but keep acting like
you are really interested in the meeting. Take notes, nod, look
around. If someone asks what the noise is, say "What noise?" and act
just as curious as everyone else.

10. Tell your co-workers you now prefer to be called "Posh Spice" because
it makes you feel worthwhile and sexy.

9. If you've been "let go", growl quietly every time you see your boss.
Keep normal facial expressions and body movement.

8. Tell people you are engaged, and when they start congratulating you,
say in a defensive tone with your hand on your forehead, "Stop
pressuring me! I'll get married when I get married!".

7. Tell everyone that next week, you'll be living the "high life" as an
astronaut.

6. Go to a costume shop and get a real looking fake wound. Plaster it to
your face and tell everyone it was from "that ferret I just can't get
rid of".

5. Place a teddy bear next to your computer on your desk. Frequently talk
to it and kiss it.

4. Give a forwarding address in Katmandu.

3. One day, have a "flashback" and come to work dressed in 80's attire.
Tell your office mates you really never thought the 80's died, they

were just taking an extended leave.

2. If you're ever in the coffee room alone, and someone else comes in,
ignore their presence and make loud cappuccino noises while you
prepare your drink.

And the number one way to freak our your coworkers after doing all these
things. . .

1. Stay.

[DaoWay]

New Office Work Rules


1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept
your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this
practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all
of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything
removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed
certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange
for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can
let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach
someone else your job.

5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with
"A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable
to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes around again.

6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do
enough.

7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.

[DaoWay]

Burn Calories While Your At Work


Here's the activities guide to burning calories at work and the number
of calories they consume per hour.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favourite activities,
including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

[DaoWay]

Coffee Drinkers Prayer
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm):
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Mocha's forever.

Amen

[DaoWay]

Snappy Things To Say To Co-Workers
Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.

[DaoWay]

Styles For Better Managment



1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps
away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have
disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with
their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts
keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their
'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is
good, He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give
answers.
Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of
the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely
satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret
kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at
all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they
got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in
the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the
lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also
wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and
congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn,
the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles?
These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management
style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody
ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few
hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are
really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the
organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And
Clearer Way Of Communication )

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined,
terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at
all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that
promise is to low to remember.

[DaoWay]

Daily Affirmations For The Office
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

[DaoWay]

How To Mess With The Heads Of Co-Workers
Play a game of Twister. Rather than spin a needle on a board, spin your boss around as fast as you can. If he pukes, everyone gets the day off.
Park an old beat-up truck carrying a big arty-heart outside the downtown mall. Make sure it says "The Bomb" on the bumper.
Unplug the refrigerator. Three hours later, award a "Rankest Lunch o' the Day" trophy.
Make the guy who's always late eat the smelly lunch for breakfast.
Lower all the desks to ankle level.
Post a memo stating that all employees whp haven't erased unliscenced software on their computers _by last Friday_ will be fired.
Hastily scribble "Lost: Red-and-black boa constrictor" on the chalkboard.
Stage a mock murder for the window washer to "accidently" observe.
Argue over who invented the Macerena dance, the Wave, and how long before someone combines them into the MacaWave.
Pants everyone whose last name starts with "T."
Leave a fake list of salaries in the copier.
Cut a lock of hair from people exiting the restroon. Apologize by saying, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Change the coffee to decaf, and watch everyone become really irratible.
See who can refrain from asking "How was your weekend" the longest.
Hoard the office supplies and listen in glee as strains of "...a $5-billion company and I can't even find any damn paper clips..." carry through the hallways.
Hold a combo keg chug/limbo contest. The winner receives a promotion.
Telephone a coworker's spouse at home, claiming you found the employee's wallet at the strip joint. Throw in "...a little mink oil should take that right out..." for good measure.
Call a meeting and announce "Listen. This computer thing just isn't working out. You'll all have typewriters and White Out on your desks after lunch."
Walk around claiming you're cookoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Replace the soda pop in the cafeteria vending machine with live squid.
Every hour on the hour, scream "Hey Mo!" followed by a low-pitched "nyuk nyuk."
Sign your e-mail "Love. stinky."
Start rumors about the new dress code, "All Fuchsia, all the time."
Toss the geeky guy's keyboard in the recycle bin. Reassure him it'll be back as a scratch pad one day.
Create a "Who's sleeping with Who" office pool.
Change all screen savers to read "If this cubicle's rocking, don't come a knockin'."
Fine anyone who uses the word "opportunity" instead of "problem."

[DaoWay]

The New Rush Job Calender


Neg Fri Fri Fri Thu Wed Tue
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33



* This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush
jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar, a job can be
ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

* Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays
in every week.

* There are eight new days added to each month to allow for
end-of-the-month panic jobs.

* There is no 1st of the month -- thus avoiding late delivery of the
previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

* Monday morning hangovers are abolished together along with
non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

* A new day, Negotiation Day, has been introduced keeping the
other days free for un-interrupted panic.

[DaoWay]

Signs Your Company May Downsize

10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.

9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".

8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
with the dorky Personnel Manager.

7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.

6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.

5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.

4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
Taco Bell.

3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
are discontinued.

2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).

1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
existing departments in the Company.

Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"

[DaoWay]

So you want the day off from work, eh?

Fair enough...let's take a look at what you're asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per
week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day AWAY from work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 90 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks. That takes care of 23
days, leaving 68 days available.

You take an hour's lunch EVERY day, which takes up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on Sick Leave. This leaves only 20
daysavailable for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 15 days.

We GENEROUSLY give you 14 days annual leave which leaves only 1 day
available for work, and I'll tell you this mate, I'll be damned if
you're going to take that day off!!!

[DaoWay]

ATTENTION *****
Our Complaint Department is now run by

Hellen Waite

All Members with Comments and Complaints are to be directed to go to

Hellen Waite