Jokes.

[DaoWay]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[DaoWay]

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says "Guys, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, in a very heavy french accent, "I take ze sword." When the chief gives him a sword the Frenchman takes it, exclaims "Vive la France," and runs himself through.

The Englishman is next. He looks the chief in the eye and says " a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him the pistol. The Englishman ****s the gun, points it at his head, yells "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The chief turns to the New Yorker. "Gimme a fork" the man says, with complete disdain. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives the man a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his body-the stomach, the sides, the chest, his arms, his legs, everywhere.Blood is gushing out of what seems like every inch of his body. It is horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks "My God almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker looks up at him from the ever expanding pool of blood and says "So much for your canoe, you stupid *******!"

[DaoWay]

Two men lost their way in the jungle, and were later captured by the cannibals. They were being brought to the cannibals' 7ft 7", mascular chief. The chief said to the first guy,"You have got two choices:- 'Banga' or death?"

The first guy thought,"Nothing can be worst than death!" So, he told the chief,"I choose 'Banga'!" The next moment, he was being brought into a hut, and was being gang-banged by the chief and 9 other cannibals. He cried in pain till the whole thing ended. When he came out of the hut, he told the second guy,"Don't choose 'Banga'. 'Banga' is very painful. Choose 'death'."

So, when the chief posed the same question to the second guy, without hesitation he chose 'death'.

Upon hearing this, the cannibal chief said,"'Death'? 'Banga' till death."

[DaoWay]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the "statue", "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[DaoWay]

It was time for Bill Gates to make the transition from his earthly home. St.

Peter agreed to be his guide. Since Bill had been such an important person

on earth, St. Peter decided to allow him to make a choice between Heaven and

Hell. So Bill was first escorted to a tour of Hell--it was not at all what

he expected. It was actually a pleasant spot, with good food, wine, and

music, entertainment, beautiful women--an all-around very fine place. St.

Peter and Bill then toured Heaven; again Bill was surprised--it was a stark

and dreary place, very simple and pastoral with only very basic amenities.

Bill was not impressed, and so he chose Hell as his preferred destination.

A few weeks later, St Peter paid a visit to Hell to check in on Bill. Bill

was extremely unhappy, tied up to a post with flames all around him, burning,

hungry, and scared. He called out to St. Peter, "Hey, this is not what I

expected! What went wrong? How could I have made such a mistake?" St. Peter

listened patiently and then replied, "Bill, I'm sorry about the

misunderstanding, but what you first saw was only a demo!"

[DaoWay]

A couple was driving along the freeway on their way to their wedding when they were in a car accident, and both were killed. They were met in heaven by Saint Peter and explained that they were to be married but now they are no longer with the living, but still wanted to get married. Saint Peter said, "let me see what I can do"

A year passed and Saint Peter returned and informed them that they now could get married. Six months later the couple went to the Angel and said, "we made a mistake and now we want a divorce." Saint Peter said "It took me a year to find a preacher and now you want a lawyer!?"

[DaoWay]

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[DaoWay]

Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks.

The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today."

"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second.

"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.

[DaoWay]

A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license. He said, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're still getting a ticket!"

[DaoWay]

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

[meihui]

A Bad Day

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
"No, this is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

[meihui]

GRANDMA SPEAKS HER MIND

A lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the lawyer for the defence?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[meihui]

The Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[meihui]

She was so blonde....

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it

she thought a quarterback was a refund

she tripped over a cordless phone

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

she got stabbed in a shoot-out

she told someone to met her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON`T WALK"

they had to burn the school down to get her out of the third grade

she took a ruler to bed to see hoe long she slept

at the bottom of the application when it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius"

if she spoke her mind, she`d probably be speechless

when she heard that 90% of crimes occur around the house, she moved

[DaoWay]

Bad Dog

This is a list of phrases dog owners should get their naughty pets to write
on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds, [email protected]
NOTE: There is a companion "Bad Kitty/Bad Human List" posted in rec.pets.cats.
This list is also available at http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html.

First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest update: [March 7, 1995].
A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.

A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry
detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote
controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my
house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty
Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;
fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes
hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey
packets; staples; used condoms; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and
other thin plastic things; bar soap; a brand new baseball glove (entire
webbing consumed); the Bible; caulking; writing utensils (especially red
magic markers); marbles; tomatoes from the vegetable garden; plastic switch
plate covers (screws and all).

2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the
conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to
impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
(even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote
control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;
large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet ****atiel; newly
planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR
clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of
drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's
filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear;
Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard
around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door;
kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's
*full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib;
horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive
paperbacks; seat belt.

6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it
is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy
(which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours
before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along
the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid
flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown
on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone
sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by
myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight,
especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a
walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the
date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone
that I'm making no headway on; absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11
pm); cartoon black cats in Hallowe'en displays; Japanese kabuki music.

7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a
swimming pool in the back yard;

B. Others

a) ---Food/Water---

I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.
I will not eat the soap.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not eat my human's plants.
I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.
I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.
I will not get caught with my entire head in the dog food bag when Mom is busy
cleaning my sister's paws.
I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.
I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.
I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and
other edible things off the kitchen counters.
I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of
the serving bowls.
I will quit escaping from the vet and eating all the other dogs', cats' and
birds' food.
I will politely refuse when my great-grandmother makes me steak tips and rice,
because I know this is not good for me.
Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open car window and
into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
If I absolutely _must_ eat all the Christmas baking my Mommy stayed up all
night to do, I won't run up to her and burp contentedly in her face.
I will not dive into the Christmas Tree to get the candy canes (which I will
eat--paper and all).
I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.
I will not eat a whole loaf of bread; it only makes doxies look shorter.
I will not eat Mommy's hair clips for dessert.
Rolling Stone magazine is a READING supplement, not an EATING one.
Wallpaper, drywall, and fiberglass insulation is a three-course meal that
gives me a tummyache.
Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.
Lipstick is not food, even if mommy 'eats' it. (the effect was a bit
frightening!)
Crinkling cellophane is NOT a food sound from the wild and I will not come and
hunt it when I hear it.
Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food.
I will not get a mouthful of kibble and dribble it all across the kitchen,
dining room, and living room floor, just so Mom (who is reading in the living
room) can watch me eat.
I will not eat the baggie of chocolate wafer cookies Daddy left on the coffee
table so that Mommy has a big, brown, spot to clean off of the carpet when she
gets home after a long day at work.
I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not
looking.
I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until _after_ they're out of the
stocking!
I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies,
of course) on my family's plates.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
Dogs do not like jalapeno peppers. I am a dog.
I will not eat (peanut butter, suet, ...) because it makes me throw up, even
though it usually stays down the second time.