Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

[drpeterbright]

Clothes Dryer (noun)

A household appliance designed to eat socks.

[drpeterbright]

A quick witted astronaut, Dwight,
When asked about his upcoming flight,
Did he have worry one
'Bout landing on the sun ?
"Heck no, we're landing at night!"

[drpeterbright]

If binary digits are bits,
Then decimal ones could be dits,
And when things get weary,
Try something less dreary,
Like playing with trinary ****.

[drpeterbright]

Two Martians were out one day hiking,
When they found a new plant to their liking.
So they sat down to lunch
And started to munch,
And the signals stopped coming from Viking.

[drpeterbright]

Null gravity's awkward for lovers,
Especially pushers and shovers.
The problems of docking
And then interlocking
Are greatly increased when one hovers.

[drpeterbright]

Recipe for the Social Sciences:
Take 50% math (a la high school probability theory
and high school algebra)
Add 50% bull****
Mix well
Serve with pencil and shovel while still warm.

[Wiggo's-sister]

[Wiggo's-sister]

Q: Why did Cain kill his brother?

A: Because he was Able.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Johnny's Teacher paid a visit to his house
one day. When little Johnny opened the
door, she asked "Are your father and mother
in, Mr. Morton?"

"They was in, but they is out now." he
answered.

The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton,
it is 'They were in, they are out now.'
Where's your grammar?"

"She's upstairs taking her nap."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building
got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the
umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.

Going to her apartment, where the female tenant
happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other
tenants in the building, the super had to endure her
telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete,
incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go
to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness.

He didn't say anything but merely concentrated on
fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about
the bad service.

So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when
the super reached quickly into his tool bag. A minute
later he held something up triumphantly and told her
and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging
your toilet."

All the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman
turned a bright red. The super was holding up a large
yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.

The woman never complained again.

[meijuan]

A Cool Pig
One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate.

The man open the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advice. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo.

A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything went well with his advice.

The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of beer and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said.

The pig looked over and gave a couple of polite snorts.

The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun, that, today we're going to the ballgame!"

[meijuan]

An Unusual Sheep
A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"

They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.

"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, with a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing. Your a sheep. Sheep go baa!"

His friend exclaims, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

[meijuan]

Branding Cattle
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

[meijuan]

City Women Visits A Farm
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer ****ed his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."